Lonely

Our holidays are very quiet. Had I not grown up with huge extended family holiday get-togethers I probably wouldn't notice so much.  Just the 4 of us in my immediately family, and my husband works many holidays. Oldest son (26) is going to his girlfriend's family, my husband is working, so it's just my youngest son  (25) and me tomorrow. Rather than get melancholy about it all, I enjoy the extra day off by reading or catching up on things I enjoy. 

There is nothing wrong with sharing it here. My fiance` and I moved to the west coast a year ago. We have no family and no real friends here. I am lucky to have him. But I understand lonely feelings. All our families are on the east coast.

Wish there were words to help, but hang in there.

Jessica, I know how you feel. I have lots of siblings & immediate & extended family, but I don't talk to my siblings except for one, & all of my extended family is nutty & alcoholic & so much more that you just wouldn't believe it. Truth is stranger than fiction.

I choose not to communicate with them all through the year, not just at Christmas. I see my mother a few times a year for dinner & shopping, but she always plans her holidays around my sister (my sister & her husband & children are alcoholics).

I have 2 grown kids whom I love dearly. The older one, my daughter, has 2 exceedingly high-maintenance kids, my grandchildren (ages 14 & 10). I love my grands but WHOA do they ever drain me. There is just no pleasing them, no matter what I do. I can't ever buy them enough, take them to enough places, or do enough for them. So this year I took all 3 of them aside separately (my daughter & grandchildren) & told them I love them all throughout the year & that I wouldn't be giving them Christmas gifts. I told them I give them lots of gifts & treats all throughout the year & that they know how much I love them, & that they know I don't need to prove my love by giving them a big Christmas present. My grandson (14) took this hard. He flat out didn't believe me. Later he took me aside & asked me for a gift card for an unlimited "season pass" for a video game. $$$ I said thanks for the info but no big presents this year. The look on his face...

My daughter was pretty stunned too. She asked me to get the family a computer because theirs had died. My daughter has a laptop, but she wants a computer for the living room & so the kids can play games on it. I told my daughter, no, I wasn't buying Christmas presents anymore. She was speechless. Not exactly angry, but she couldn't come up with anything to say.

My son & husband are atheists (virulent) so that lets me out of getting even Christmas cards for them. I adore my son (21) but ZERO "Christmas presents" for him. My husband? We haven't spoken in weeks. Things aren't going well with us & haven't been for years.

Talk about LONELY.

Sometimes I wonder what's worse: being lonely because no one is around to share the holiday with, or being surrounded by family & feeling a pervading sense of complete isolation & loneliness anyway.

I don't have food to shove down my emotions with anymore, either. I know exactly what you're saying. This is my second Christmas without the number-one most abused anti-anxiety drug in the United States: FOOD. One thing that keeps me going - & keeps me with my feet on this old earth - is the fact that I'm skinny & physically healthy now (more than I've ever been in my whole life). I'm making small changes in my life to get myself emotionally & mentally healthy to go along with what my fashion-model friend told me last week was my new "yoga body." That compliment was a huge Christmas gift in itself!

I wish you a Merry Christmas, & I want you to kiss your arm & hand & shoulder (whatever you can reach!) & tell yourself how fabulous & wonderful you are, inside & out, no matter what day of the year it is.

 

OMG shout out to Goddessgrrl!!

you friggin' rock!  I don't even know where to start,...one thing just stuck out in this post,...you've come a long way baby,...your ability to set boundaries for your own emotional state of well being is inspiring. I felt your loneliness, your disappointment in those around you whilst reading. However, your ability to not allow others expectations or demands to cause you to be anything less than true to yourself was loud and clear! 

Next,..for the new year 2014, if I were you,...( and, believe me, I aspire to be as strong and together as you), I'd take on this husband who obviously isn't showing you the appreciation you deserve. It made me sad to read that you and he haven't spoken in weeks. 

You are a rock star! Let nothing and nobody stop you from achieving your full potential and deserved happiness.

In awe and appreciation,

bj

Apology to OP for hijacking,...be your own best friend and you'll never be lonely. Hang in there. Merry Christmas, happy holidays, kwanza, Chanukah, and anything else I failed to mention.

 

 

 

Anniebo… thank you so much for your kind words! I got a bit of a laugh when you said you aspire to be as strong & together as me. I'm a tower of Jell-O! I'm about as together as the aftermath of a blast at a fireworks factory!

One thing I think that's really changed in me is that I don't take everything in, put a big huge smile on my face, say everything is fine, & then go order an extra-large pizza with everything & eat half of it in a sitting.

That husband… believe me, this has been a L-O-N-G time coming. 2 weeks after my surgery he said, "You are a completely different person than you were before this surgery!" & believe me, he didn't mean it as a compliment. He was awful to me while I was in the hospital & while I was recuperating. It was worse than being 100% alone.

I have a long road ahead of me in every way: continuing to improve my health, getting a college degree, getting a job, paying off my bills, you name it. But hey, I got nothin' but time, right?

Happy Chrismahanukwansakah to you too! And Merry Christmas!

 

You rock!!!  I bow to you and your stance.

 

My immediate family got smaller a few years ago - my uncle got in a big fight with my grandpa and refuses to speak to us - which means my grandparents don't get to see their other 2 grandchildren, son, or daughter in law.  It's really sad.  Holidays now are my grandparents, my mom, my brother (if he can be forced to come) and me.  We celebrated Christmas last night and it was pretty sad.  It's hard to stay positive these days, so I busied myself with helping my grandma clean up after dinner.  I didn't really want anyone to notice how miserable I was.

I hope that one day I will meet a great man and can become involved in his family's traditions.  I would love a big family to celebrate holidays with.  

You're right - it's hard to call what's worse: being lonely because you don't have anyone or being surrounded by family and feeling overwhelmed by loneliness despite it.

This is the first Christmas since my surgery. I also am making small changes in my life to try to get to a better place emotionally.   Things are already better for me socially - I'm getting out more and trying to be more social and friendly.  I've been seeing a therapist since May I believe.  I have more friends than I did last year and the friendships I've had are stronger.  I am even dating again (but it's too early to know where that is going and definitely not spending Christmas together).  Despite this I still feel the panic at the back of my throat over my loneliness.  

You are fabulous and wonderful yourself lady.  Thanks for the message.  

i do. I am estranged from my family due to extreme abuse.  My husband's family has loads of drama and problems and we are soooooooo sick of it.  He is sick and we are staying home with our tiny family.  Blessings to you this holiday.  May it pass by quickly for us all.

Well it sounds like you are making healthy boundaries for yourself and your husband.  Happy Holidays to you, hope you have a nice relaxing day.

I feel for you.  We have a small family and will be going to our son's house.  It is hard to grow older and keep up family traditions because so many other people enter into the equation and it is easy to feel pushed aside.  It is a sad time for many.  I can't begin to make recommendations to you but keep busy, have your music on to divert your attention.  Christmas is a hard holiday and I am not ready for it either.  Good luck to you.