Comfort in the midst of pain, sadness and fear... embracing JOY and making it happen...

It is with great sadness that I share with my friends the passing of 'mi viejo' (our old man) on the 3rd month anniversary of my sister's death on Wednesday evening 5/22/2013. Pop's heart could not take the loss of my sister and after a cardiac arrest in his sleep he went to join her and my mom before her in eternal rest.  Funeral services at Jardín de Paz, Panamá on Tuesday 5/28.

In the midst of yesterday's sadness I received from a group of Latinamerican doctors a link to a magazine page where they, my sister's friends and colleagues one of them a poet wrote the most beautiful poem of their friendship with the most beautiful pictures in homage of my sister Mela (short for Maria Carmela) the Chief of Intensive Care of the Children's Hospital (Hospital del Niño) in Panamá. Please check the link and all the pages and even if you don't understand the words you will get snippets of the awesome woman she was. This brought me great comfort and joy at this time of double loss in such a short span. This is the link http://revista.amtip.com.mx/media/homenaje.pdf.

Comfort in the midst of pain sadness and fear ... I think back on all the precious moments that I had with then and I can carry on embracing joy over misery and finding comfort in so many places and things other than hand to mouth to satisfy needs that cannot be filled by food ... today once again I am thankful for WLS and new behaviors that allow me to deal without hurting myself eating excessively to quench my pain.

I am embracing Joy ... Joy for 88 years and a full and healthy and energetic life .. he was on the tennis court with my brother just a week before. 

I am embracing Joy ... Joy for having had the most awesome and beautiful sister gone before me ...

And today as I cry and type Snippets of My Journey I will claim JOY OVER MISERY....

Today when FINGERS OF FEAR GRAB AT MY HEART as I watch my tribe diminish in size and I realize that now there are only three of us with me at the helm I am feeling like an orphan and I need my mommy and my daddy ...

TODAY I REBUKE WEAKNESS AND SELFISHNESS AND I WILL BE CONTENT ... I SWEAR TO GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY THAT I WILL EMBRACE JOY AND MAKE IT HAPPEN TO ME IN SPITE OF...

My sister and Pop loved my daily pictures that I shared from my empowerment journal that my sister RIP planted the seed for me to do .. and since Wednesday I could not bring myself to write my snippets.  I realized that 'coincidentally' every time I removed my extensions or hair pieces and went with my hair uncovered some drastic and stressful event be it my son decompensating or my husband having a vascular or kidney rejection episode would take place so I reached for comfort in my hair styling with weaves and pieces and lace fronts and the like and I covered my hair and enjoyed my look that I am more familiar and comfortable with and NEVER once did I reach or even think of stuffing my mouth with food other that eating my regular meals at my regular times.

My Pop ALWAYS joked and said 'Tita' can make just about anything out of anything.  Just give her a pair of scissors a piece of paper a crayon, a pencil, a paint brush and some 'tempera' ... he was saying that as far back as I could remember at the age of five... This thought carried me through yesterday as I had promised my friend who is in financial straights to help her with her DD quinceañera (sweet 15 celebrated in our culture) by hosting a dinner at my home next weekend.  The teenager had looked at me with so much hope and joy as she tried to fit into my reaffirmation of vows gown that just thinking back on that look on her face I could not bring myself to cancel and go back on my promise.

I remembered my dad's words ... and I sprang into action .. I have made and make gowns for the girls turning 15 as well as the centerpieces and dolls since forever ... I have tons of left over supplies in my craft room ... since this is a gift from me I having to travel back and forth I limited my budget to $45 and determined to not go over a penny I went to the party dollar store in my area and supplemented with leftovers from my craft room from previous events... and I took pictures and found great comfort and JOY in doing this for another sista ...

So I took my craft as my comfort on yesterday and worked on the dolls and centerpieces ... and came up with this my first entry since this great loss since last Wednesday...

working on it

Close up of bottom..

close up of top..

the side pieces...

All together..but not complete yet.. a larger doll still missing.. the gift for the b-day girl

me starting my COMFORT project on yesterday..

and working through PAIN, SADNESS and FEAR.. Embracing JOY over misery and letting it happen to me.  These are snippets of my journey ,, thanks for allowing me to share...  ... a sista on the journey... this is not easy ... and I know we can't live forever ... but as I celebrate them strong in the spirit my natural man feels sadness and pain ... If you can, pray my continued strength...

So sorry for you loss.  Sending hugs!!

Thank you Lisa 

Uhhhh, I am so sorry for your loss :(

Thank you.  I hate sharing my distress but if I share the happy I may as well share the sad and overcoming it (hopefully soon) too ... I hate feeling vulnerable .. I forced myself to write my snippets today and it did me well.. now I am sleepy and can finally get some rest as I have not slept for days now...

I'm so very sorry.

Thank you Suz

So sorry for your loss. Prayers go out to you and your family. You are so inspirational with your story and postings. Thanks so much for giving us all a positive outlet and most of all the strength to keep going amidst all trials.

Thanks for reaching out my beautiful sista... 

Martita - I translated your link so everyone could read it.  Such a lovely and talented woman gone too soon.  Now your dad has gone on to be with her after a full life of his own.  In the midst of sadness, you have chosen to celebrate their lives.  (((hugs)))  Lynn

Dear American friends,
we communicate with deep regret the death of Dr. Maria Carmela Johnson, a pediatric intensivist, friend and constant collaborator SLACIP.
It will be a great loss to the Panamanian and Latin American pediatrics. Accompany coworkers, family and friends at this sad time.
Management Directive SLACIP
Dr Medina-President Huniades Urbina
Dr Santiago Campos Minho-Vice
Dr. Maria del Pilar Arias Lopez-Secretary

"Friends"
the poet
Vinicius de Morais

I have friends who do not know their place in my heart. They do not perceive the love they profess and the absolute necessity that I have of them.

The "love-friendship" is a noble sentiment "love-love", it allows the object of affection is divided in other affections, while the "love-love" has intrinsic jealousy, rivalry that does not support.

And I could stand, however not without pain, they had killed all my loves, crazy if I die.  But all my friends!

Even those who do not realize how much they are my friends and how much my life depends on their stock ...

Some of them do not frequent, I just know they exist. This mere condition fills me courage to go in front of life. However, because I do not frequent regularly, I can not say how much I appreciate them. They would not believe.

Many of them are reading this chronicle and not know they are included in the sacred relationship of my friends. But it is delicious that I know and feel that I adore, but do not tell them and not frequent.

And the times that I frequent, I notice that they have no notion of how I needed, how are essential to my life balance, because they are part of the world that I, tremulously, built and became founders of my charm by the life.

If one of them died, I would be twisted to one side. If they all die, I fall apart! That's why, without them knowing, I pray for their lives. And I am ashamed, because this appeal is, in short, led to my being. She is, perhaps, the result of my selfishness.

Sometimes, I immerse myself in thoughts to any of them. When I travel and I'm in front of wonderful places, I drop a tear because they are next to me, sharing that pleasure ...

If I eat something and I do not like it, is furious that the wheel of life does not allow me to always have my side, living with me, walk with me, talk with me, living with me, all my friends, and mainly the only suspicious or maybe you will never know.

People do not make friends,
Recognize!

A loving tribute to a lovely lady........