Today is the Day: Nine Years

Nine years ago today, I was pretty miserable. I was coming out of anesthesia, puffy, sore, and suddenly remembering that I'd just allowed a surgeon to entirely rearrange my digestive system. All I could think to myself was, "God, I hope it's worth this."

This morning, I got up and went outside. I swept off the porch, ran inside for my yoga mat and proceeded to salute the sun repeatedly. "Thank you for this beautiful day! Thank you for health! Thank you for this life! Thank you, thank you, thank you!" For 90 minutes, I did yoga in the fresh air, basking in its rays, and deeply appreciating what it means to be healthy.

The night before surgery, and a few days ago:

Then I came inside to a hot, fresh cup of coffee that my husband had so kindly gone to get me from Caribou Coffee. Black, with no room for cream, just how I like it. I made him some bacon to go with his vanilla latte, and for me, 2 almond flour-ricotta waffles with a dollop of plain yogurt and berries:

Now, unbelievably full from my 20g of protein breakfast, I'm off to work on finishing building a new piece of furniture that we bought for the dining room. I'll sit on the floor putting pieces of drawers together, and when I get up to check the instructions, my knees won't hurt at all!

Today I will spend with a huge smile on my face, remembering what was and being head over heels in love with everything that is. Two degrees, marriage, a dog, a house, trips to five countries, job at a beautiful library with the world's BEST colleagues, and 140 lbs later, I stand humbled, grateful for, and amazed by every moment.   Every minute of pain, frustration, and self-doubt has been worth it. Every time I chose to get back up after a hard fall off the wagon has been worth it. Every day that I wake up knowing that I am healthy gives me the strength to keep trying, to keep working at improving, and to move forward embracing this gift of life.  

I still struggle with many things. My relationship with food is a tenuous one, and I have come to accept that balancing my passion for baking and confectionery practices, with trying to maintain a healthy, protein-forward diet, is something that will always be a challenge. I understand that I will not always be able to be at my very thinnest. And my goal continues to be accepting myself as I wake each day.    

It is not always easy to accept that person. Going through this process while trying to manage bipolar II disorder has been one of the biggest hurdles I've faced. The way that I respond to stress can be erratic, and it is a constant exercise in self-awareness to stay well-balanced. There are still days (albeit infrequently) that I wake up and wonder how long it will be until I lose this and end up obese again. But I am slowly gaining the confidence to understand that I can do this for the rest of my life. Unlike "dieting," this lifestyle is sustainable.  

The RNY process and tool re-taught me how to eat, and these days I enjoy almost everything, just in smaller portions. I've learned that my food addiction can be managed--not perfectly, but I am slowly learning how to recognize the signs that the urge to binge is coming along, and deal with it before it spirals out of control. And as I said, it isn't perfect. I've had some really bad binges--and you know what? I came out of every single one of them okay. It's what my husband reminds me every time I turn into a puddle of tears over gaining a few pounds. "You've always been okay and gotten back on track. You've always been able to get to where you want to be. You're not going to screw it up."   And he's right.  

Aside from my family, friends, and this supportive community, there are a few pieces of writing that have helped me during the hard parts of my WLS journey.   One is in a letter to a fan (the "need a pick me up?" link referenced in my signature), where Stephen Fry writes,   "I've found that it's of some help to think of one's moods and feelings about the world as being similar to weather:

Here are some obvious things about the weather:

It's real.
You can't change it by wishing it away.
If it's dark and rainy it really is dark and rainy and you can't alter it.
It might be dark and rainy for two weeks in a row.

BUT

It will be sunny one day.
It isn't under one's control as to when the sun comes out, but come out it will.
One day.

It really is the same with one's moods, I think. The wrong approach is to believe that they are illusions. They are real. Depression, anxiety, listlessness - these are as real as the weather - AND EQUALLY NOT UNDER ONE'S CONTROL. Not one's fault.

BUT

They will pass: they really will."   If you have a free moment, the whole letter is really worth reading.   I carry that in my heart, and also meditate on this poem by Rumi:  

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.   Those are the words that have kept me thinking forward. So if there is any advice I can give you, pre-op, post-o*****n-op it is these four things:
 Never, never give up.  

Remember that life has infinite joy.  

Two steps forward and one step back is still progress.  

Take your ego out of it, and be compassionate with yourself.

Bring love and open-mindedness to situations as often as you can, and open your heart to the world. If you can do that and use the positivity you find to give yourself confidence, you will get through it--even when you feel like you can't.

Best wishes to all of you who walk along this journey with me. I am always grateful for your support, and hope that every single one of you finds the path that brings the most happiness.

Namaste (The spirit within me honors the spirit within you.)

Neen

Thank you! I hope that I can always bring a positive outlook to a place that has supported me so much over these many years.

I love this... thanks for the picker upper... I really needed it.

Thank you, and whatever is bringing you down, I hope you are feeling better soon. I try to remember that nothing in life lasts forever, and that even the most difficult moments will pass. Sending good vibes your way!

It truly is a never ending journey of self discovery! You have been blessed.

I do feel truly fortunate. And what is life but one big learning experience, after all? Best wishes to you!

Congratulations to you.  That was a truly beautiful post.

Thank you. Writing has always been something very therapeutic, and in my opinion, the most effective way for me to express myself. All good wishes to you!

Congratulations! Very nice post.