Single post-op ladies: Would you date an obese man?

I wouldn't think of the guy as a pig. Matter of fact I went on a date with a guy a few weeks ago who was honest and said he was looking for a thinner woman. I respect that. I mean, given MY unique situation, I think it has the ability to strike a chord but I'd rather you be up front and I'd rather any man I date appreciate me (and all 547 of my curves). I see the date guy as great friend material though. Plus...at the risk of sounding obsessed with aesthetics...he was a bit shorter than I like 'em.

I know it's a double standard according to society, but I wouldn't have dated someone really obese.  Just no attraction there.  As Lady Heidi said, so sue me.  I do like someone with meat on their body but now that I have totally changed up my life I would look for things that are going to be compatible with me socially/economically and politically as Sin Kim said.  I have been married to my husband now for a long time who was always normal weight and still is never once criticized me but I am not so sure I would have been as kind.  I know, shallow.  As Nik said, regular size guys can be asses so unfortunately for all the men out there that are obese and reading this may get butt hurt and I understand but many women and some who have posted here said there husband lost their attraction to them because of weight.  This a doubled edged sword.   So I say each to his own.    Jane

I am with those who wouldn't have a problem dating a man who was "thick" or even one who was technically obese (assuming that he was not slovenly, had decent table manners, and did not have hygiene issues) if he has a reasonably healthy lifestyle and mindset (he doesnt need to work out, but needs to be physically active in some way).  I generally prefer men who are larger (although my longest, most intense relationship was with a man who was a very thin runner) but I have to admit that if a man is "too" large -- if he has a large, hanging gut, for example -- I would very likely not feel any physical attraction.  I would not have found that attractive when I was heavy, either.. and although in a perfect world it would be possible for someone to be attracted to a person despite their physical appearance, I understand that most people ARE put off by a MO exterior.  I would have loved for someone to have fallen in love with me at 300+ pounds, but I understand that most men just aren't able to get past my physical appearance to find out what I had to offer.

Lora

See that's where I think my view is colored Lora. I was always taught "swagger" was a big part of attraction. How I am now is how I've always been. I'm pretty self confident. I've always thought, viscerally, that I am very attractive. I project that. And I'm a people person. So I have fallen in and out of love so many times it isn't even funny and men have fallen in and out of love with me many times - when I was big, when I was at my smallest and now. 

So far as this guy...I'm trying to explain this correctly...I could get past the size if he were confident in himself. As it stands I keep having to discourage him from making self-deprecating remarks. That gets on my nerves. I know that sounds assholish but it's true. Lack of confidence gets on my nerves. I just have the good sense not to go on and on about it on a regular basis. But to me whatever you are, ROCK IT. If you believe, you'll make me a believer. But I don't want to fix your self esteem. I've spent the better part of the past 5 years fixing mine. 

But to be fair I think in this day and age finding someone who comes to you well adjusted might not be that realistic.

I agree that lack of confidence is something that would be a show stopper for me.  I am not as extroverted as you are, but have always felt confident about myself OTHER than my weight, and just wouldn't be a good match with someone who lacked self confidence and a reasonable amount of self-esteem.

I also sometimes wonder about how realistic it is to expect to meet someone with the qualities I am looking for (although I really dont have that many "must have" criteria), but at 50 years old, I would prefer to just keep looking than to invest time in a relationship where the man doesn't have all of my "must have" qualities (or isn't "close" on all of them).

Lora

Nik, we might be long-lost twins! I can relate to what you said in this reply - I am a people person and have always thought of myself as attractive (even though I think I wasn't able to see how big I really was in the mirror, but that confidence helped me to get out the door everyday) and lack of confidence gets on my nerves, too. I don't need somebody to be an extrovert, but I can't be around lack of self-esteem, inability to regulate emotion and keep yourself in check when you need to.  I don't want to be fixing self-esteem either, and that mostly goes for friends these days. Its exhausting and I'm too tired already from taking care of myself.

And I hear you about addictive personality. I'm not sure if I have one, but I am super passionate and DIVE into things. I've been shopping my head off and spending money that I should be saving for plastics on a new wardrobe and I tell myself that I've been waiting for this and that this is part of the fun, but I'm not done losing yet! I need to slow my roll on the clothes buying front. Perhaps I should take up having more sex instead. ;)

To answer your original question...No. Big old no. Not because the person wouldn't be attractive and beauty is in the eye of the beholder for sure, but because of lifestyle. I think people need to be compatible on a lot of levels for a relationship to work and for attraction to be deep. And, who has the time or energy to constantly be adapting to someone else who isn't like you? I'm married and he is lagging behind me on beviour changes, but he is very kind and super supportive. He's ordering my Click on Amazon right now for me and he grilled me my shrimp exactly how I like it for dinner. He's sweet and I know that soon he will be running and active with me. But I couldn't/wouldn't date a new person who didn't share my lifestyle. I don't think I can have new friends at this point who aren't active, fit, and health conscious. I think it is because I feel so new and fragile in this new life that I *need* to have the people around me be on the same-ish page doing the same-ish things and be positive forces who contribute to my success. I need my people to be EASY to be around now: positive, active, focused, happy or at least actively trying to work on it (and be stable and emotionally secure enough to be doing it on THEIR OWN without needing me to be a health/emotion coach). I also think that these new revelations have come as a part of my healing from obesity and changing my life: I'm recognizing what I need and who I need to be around and setting boundaries and ... I'm much happier! 

But then again, I wouldn't date a Republican or a smoker, either. 

This makes for an interesting topic.

I was 296lbs at my highest.(or 301 on one scale that I didn't think was accurate). When I was that size I was always attracted to bigger men, not necessarily "huge" men but "stocky" and tattooed. I think subconsciously I was attracted to bigger because I was a big girl and didn't think any average sized guy, or thin would be attracted to me. Fast forward now 120lbs down from 296, I was still also interested in the "stockier" type of men. 

I've heard many women say after they've lost all the weight they don't want bigger guys because they don't want to have to worry about their partners health or their eating habits or putting themselves back in "bad habits". But if you think about it, WLS is a life long tool so you have to maintain your own good eating habits, plus a vitamin regimen for the rest of your life. So what if an average or built guy reverses the cards and doesn't want to go after you now after losing all the weight and being skinny and looking good now -  what if they don't want to have to deal with your life style of healthy eating habits and life long lifestyle changes? 

With that said, my first attraction is always a sense of humor and personality. Looks always came last. Now for the past almost 6 months I am in an amazing relationship with a wonderful guy who would give the world to me. He isn't big or stocky like I tend to go after, he is average/normal and is paralyzed. So therefore looks to me don't matter when I was big and they don't now. It's all about their personality, how they treat me, and their sense of humor.

It is all about chemistry.  You probably don't what it is until you run into it.  That's the fun part.