Support of a spouse or lack there of?

So currently I am pre-op and I will hopefully be re-plumbed sometime in April.  I am starting to notice little things with my spouse in regards to my impending surgery.  They are subtle and at times I feel maybe it is all in my noggin, but one thing I learned in life is if my "ample" gut tells me something chances are it is doing it for a reason.  I am getting the vibe that she is not completely behind me on this decision.  I have asked her if she is, I get the yes answer, but it seems as if the head is shaking no when she is saying this.  She battles weight issues as well and has said that she would never want to go through this process. And I believe she may be either thinking I am going to get skinny and stray away for a different pasture or that this will just be another try and fail.

Anyone else out there have these issues either before or after surgery?  I haven't Googled this...yet...but I just wonder what the divorce rate is of couples after one partner goes through WLS? 

Any one have thoughts?

From my observations here, strong marriages seem to get stronger, weak marriages seem to get weaker. You have to find a way to get through to her that you want both of you to get healthier so you can enjoy a long, happy, healthy life together. I know I was not enjoying life to the fullest when I was obese.

Agreed.  My already fit husband shows his support for me by taking my food needs into consideration when choosing meals.  He is also there to remind me to eat slow and not drink with my meals.  I couldn't do it all without him.

He's even adopted a few changes just to help me....like not openly snacking in front of me, ordering similar foods when we eat out, and taking daily vitamins.  He always runs to Sam's Club and picks up the protein drinks and G2 that I want.

 

Well, I am 60 and he is 62 and we have been on a rocky road for a long time and a lot of  it has to do with weight issues.  His does not seem to bother him but it most certainly bothers me as much as my own.  He could care less about losing weight and I do not want to live this way any longer.  I quit smoking over 20 years ago and he said he would quit ~ never happened.  He cannot smoke in the house, my car or our 5th wheel.  Right now I am not in a position to do anything, as along with the weight issues, I need surgery to revise a hip replacement that is very painful.  When Fall comes and I am able to walk without pain and my weight should be down quite a bit, I frankly do not know what will happen if he does not choose to do something on his own.

He is diabetic, has HTN, high cholesterol, sleep apnea and all the other things that come along with being MO.  I do not want to just hang around to watch him die from this.

I had the lap band five years ago. Hubby said he was on board but after surgery he was working against me. I would call him out on it! But it really never changed.
Six weeks ago I had the lap band removed and had the bypass done. We had several talks about the issue before the bypass. He has been a big help this time. I go to a support group and drag him with me. It is such a learning process for all parties involved. Look into a group!!! People who go to a support group lose 20% more weight than Rhodes who don't go. That might help your wife with her weight issues too. Hope this helps. Feel free to email me if you want to [email protected]. I have been where you are. Plus now I am losing am bugging him about how I look. Hope that doesn't cause more problems when you get post surgery.

My husband was not supportive at all. He was dead set against me doing this. He stated that I would fail at it based on my previous attempts to lose weight with other methods. He even said that I would not pass the mental eval.  Fast forward to today. He is much more supportive  is in the process of starting this journey himself.

Yes my hubby was against my surgery and he remains unhappy but not entirely unsupportive.  He is very insecure and feels now that I am smaller I will leave him.   Looking at me reminds him of his own weight problems.  He refuses to eat right and exercise.   I get comments like "wow your husband must be chasing you around the house" but the truth is unfortunately our relationship is really not that physical any more.

I agree with the poster who said good marriages thrive and bad ones may get worse.

DH had his doubts. He wasn't against it, but he was skeptical. But his doubts stemmed from the fact that he has never had a weight problem and doesn't quite get it. He eats whatever he wants.

After surgery, when he saw how hard I work, he got on board and has become extremely supportive.

I explained to him that everyone has their demons. Mine is food. His is tobacco. When he thought about how hard he has tried to quit tobacco over the years, he got that analogy.

And even the most supportive spouse will not understand all the changes you will go through. Try to be patient with each other as you go along. DH did ask me if I was planning on splitting once I lost weight. I was kind of shocked at that. I reassured him that no, I wasn't. I had WLS due to my many and increasing health issues. I told him he wasn't getting rid of me that easily.

Consider couples counseling to address it - counseling for yourself during the process will also be helpful, because it's really does screw with your mind.

My spouse has always been normal weight, and we met when I was heavy. He's been 100% supportive, and I know I'm lucky in that regard.

My ex-spouse was also heavy, and I suspect that if one of us had decided to go through WLS that there would have been a lot of insecurity issues in the spouse who had not chosen to do so. She may be struggling with her own feelings - why does she believe it's not something she'd want to go through? She may feel that life changes will be foisted upon her against her will - your life will change, you won't go out to eat the same, dinners at home won't be the same, she may be resentful of anticipated "deprivation" even though she's not the one having surgery.

Having a neutral place to talk about it in counseling could be very helpful - even if she remains firm in her choice not to undergo it herself.

 

 

My husband was very supportive of me getting the surgery.  He is happy for me and has even lost some weight himself due to new eating habits I have and not having all the junk food in the house.  This is such a life changing event for us who go through with surgery.  Maybe my problem has been focusing on it too much and talking about it all the time.  Recently, my hubby made a comment that surgery was the easy way out.  I flipped out at the comment.  Then he continued to say how much I quote things from this board from people who think they are know it alls.  I flipped again and told him to just close his mouth.  Nothing has been said anymore, and life goes on as before anything was said, but its hard for me to get past that he really thinks this way.  I know he loves me, I know we have a strong marriage and I know he struggles with his own weight stalls so maybe he is feeling a bit of resentment.  Whatever it is, I am chalking it up to him being uneducated on the matter and just plain frustrated with himself.

I think going to support groups as a couple is a good idea.  Wish there were some around here for us to attend.  Instead, I use this board as my support.

Giselle