relationship issues need advice

me and my hubby have been together for 6 yrs married for 3, and i was a little bigger then this when we got together and then got real big. Here lately he has been acting really werid always checking what i am doing who i am with, who i talking to standing over my shoulder while i am on facebook or OH. Last night i left my phone in the car and he took it to work when he got home he was mad, he had gone though my phone text messgaes and facebook acct messages. he saw that i text my daughter guy friend about helping us move and picking him up to do so, this is a 15 yr old kid and he was mad about it he said i should not be picking up, texting him, btw the boy walked to ny house to help us load the uhaul last week which is a 3 mile walk. then on facebooj he saw i wished one of my old friend a happy bday the friend is  a guy and i know he doesnt like him but i was not hiding it or anything. it poped up that he bday was that week. he was so mad at me. he says that i am not longer attracted to him and i am falling out of love with him because i am getting skinny and he is still his words not mine "FAT"  What do i do how do i make him see and understand that i am not leaving and dont want to be with anyone but him, and how do i tell him that his jealousy is driving me crazy. i am always telling him i love him i am always showing him affection and etc.. i dont understand. I am not out running around with people, partying or anything like that.  so confused and hurt

Other than reassuring him that you aren't going anywhere and don't have eyes for anyone else, what about counseling?  

I'm not a hand patter so please bear that in mind ...

This is HIS problem, not yours!  You could, if you wish, reassure him (once) that you love him and are not planning on leaving him, and then that should be it.    He's a grown ass man and it's not your job to constantly soothe him and solve his problems.

You are not responsible for his feelings and if you are not giving him any reason to doubt you and your fidelity, then he needs to get over it!

Counselling may help, but if he's not willing, he has no intention of changing and you will then have to reassess your options.

Good luck!

Its normal, they see you changing and makes them think your going to leave because now you could do better. My and my husband had that talk about 2 months post op. Even now he still worries that I will leave once I hit goal weight since I will be hot, as he says.  I know for my husband some of it stems from him being overweight and not happy with his weight, but when i was overweight it was ok, you know 2 peas in a pod. Now he is trying to watch what he eats.

Just have patience and dont be hurt by it, if he wants to see who your talking to on face book, let him. If he wants to know who your texting let him. Be an open, dont get mad or hurt or feel like he doesnt trust you when he does look at those things. In our house every password is written down, no passwords on phones, computers, nothing that the other one doesnt know.

I don't think excessive jealously and mistrust is normal.  I mean, maybe it is normal in your relationship.  I don't think it's normal overall, though.  It certainly wasn't the case in my relationship when I had WLS, and I don't think it's typical in a healthy relationship.  Ugh, I feel like I"m saying this all wrong.  I don't mean to tell you that your relationship is unhealthy, I don't know enough about your relationship to have an opinion about that.  I just mean to say that I don't think excessive jealously and mistrust like the OP is describing is normal or healthy.

I agree with you, Kelly. I don't think it is normal behavior either. My boyfriend is overweight and has never had any jealousy issues. He is confident in himself and "us".

No where in my post did I say that excessive jealously and mistrust is normal, but I did say it is a  normal behavior that he is doing, because he thinks now that she is losing weight that she will find someone else. It is normal for your partner to have feeling of jealously during this journey, either for the weight loss, the attention others give you now, the difference in your daily activities or just them seeing the change in you.

I agree that the fact he got mad for the text or Facebook stuff is crazy, but people tend to over react about little things just more as a gate way to be mad about something they can pinpoint. Also, atleast with my husband is more my reaction to what he says or does. If he checks my face book I dont care, Heck I check his email more then he does. Its not about mistrust or jealously its more about me being the one who keeps up with family, bills, all that fun stuff.

In my 13 years of marriage to my husband, we have never had trust issues, cheating, or anything like that. But there are also no secret passwords, email accounts, locks on phones, ect. Everything is always open to the other. I was taught if you did something you would be ashamed to show your partner then you shouldnt do it.

All in all I do think that the partners of people who have WLS have a period of time where they are more jealous, more worried about the changes they see in the other and worry about their relationships dues to habits changing. Heck a lot of people do get divorced due to those changes, and thats ok. As we change our outlook on life we cant force the ones we are with to change theirs.

and I don't think his behavior is normal.  I think his behavior indicates excessive jealousy and mistrust.

I might be wrong,  Maybe the spouses of most WLS patients do behave this way and my partner was abnormal because he didn't act like this.  I'm not sure.

i have never had a problem with him reading my stuff i have nothing to hide, he knows all my password and most of the time i leave it open anyways, it was just how he acted by the bday wishes and offering to pick up this boy to help us load up the car.

Ohh i agree that he overreacted. But if it was just this one day, then not a big deal if it keeps on then its a big deal.