OT: This is going to be hard.

Just me being sentimental tonight. Tomorrow is my birthday (don't...please don't...this is not a "happy-go-skippy" post) and I feel very...alone. I know I'm not. I have plenty of people who love me but there is ONE person who always loved me who is not here and she is all I can think about.

My mom always made a big deal of my birthday and it ALWAYS got on my nerves. I felt her gifts were excessive. I felt like I was too old to make such a big deal out of my birthday. By the last few birthdays we had together she relented and compromised and we came up with a birthday tradition that I loved. We'd go out for sushi, just her and me. We went to a particular family-owned place where my mom knew the chefs and the servers and she's always make friends with the folks sitting around us, asking what they'd ordered and whether it was good. And after a few years post-op she would tell the server to get me a tiny scoop of ice cream and the servers would try to write "Happy Birthday" in cursive on the plate. That didn't always work out so well.

This year...honestly this particular year, I wish we could skip December 4. Everything about the day ahead remind me of her. She gave birth to me. She raised me. And she is the one person who was ALWAYS in my corner. And I miss her. I miss her so badly I can barely breathe sometimes. And I don't know how to do my birthday without her (and please, as well intentioned as it is...I don't want advice on remembrance. I just want to get to be mad that I don't have my mother). How do you even go about celebrating your life when the person who gave you life is gone so soon? I guess that's what I have to figure out. I cut myself some slack because this is my first year. And it may never get easier, just more normal. I dunno.

But I figured instead of eating those feelings, I'd let them out into the universe. Forgive me if I'm scarce tomorrow. I don't know exactly HOW I will feel as the day progresses but I'm pretty sure I will stay offline. My FB friends have already started rounds of happy birthdays and while I love them for it, each one makes me burst into tears.

Sigh...I'm not good at this mourning stuff. 

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother at the early age of 8 to cancer. I can tell you this - be so thankful for all of those memories you hold so dear and the fact that you had her in your life for as long as you did. I wish so much I had memories like you do, please be thankful for that. I am also sure your mother would want you to celebrate your birthday which is something that seemed very important to her. I think you should have a piece or two of Sushi for her and for you.

God bless you Nik.  Prayers for you.

I am sorry this is so difficult for you, but it is very understandable.  I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Lora

I'm so sorry.  Grief is impossible, unpredictable and darned hard.

well, you can get some sushi and have a quick bite of it and blow up a balloon with a message to your mom and let the balloon go..or you can write your anger out on the balloon and release it that way...or...

you can get something you can beat the crap out of....when i was in school one group for a fund raiser got an old junk heap of a car, and you got to take a sledge hammer to it for a buck.... it was a great way to release your frustrations...

in my old house we had a wall that needed to come down and out of the way...so one day i took my frustrations out on that wall..and beat the crap out of it....hubby came home and was quite shocked what i had gotten done...

you are allowed to feel anger, you are allowed to fell what you do at the time....just take time for your self..we will all be here when you are ready to come back......but allow others to do for you on your day...let them help you thru your anger and frustration...

i vote for you finding something totally new to do tomorrow after you beat the crap out of something..like a full size melon of some kind or pumpkin, or something that you can just pound...a pillow even...then have some sushi in honor of your relationship with your mom ....then crank up the music and just dance your heart out and get silly....

good luck, we are here for you if we are needed,

debby

I lost my mom 13 years ago.  I'll say to you the only thing I really cared to hear from anyone at the time.

This SUCKS!!!

I'm sorry you have to know that first hand.

I am so sorry for the loss and pain your feeling right now. I could feel it reading each word that you typed. My heart breaks for you. Know that I will be thinking of you tomorrow. I hope you can find a way to find some peace tomorrow. Prayers your way. 

I am sorry for your loss I lost my mom in 2003 and my dad in 2004. Wish they were still here for me when I go into surgery the end of this month.

Carol

Miss Nikki,

I am in a similar boat.  My birthday was yesterday.  My  mother passed 12 days after my 20th birthday. Honestly, I have felt like an orphan since the day my mother passed away.

Nik, you need to start some new birthday traditions.  I don't know what the significance of this birthday is but know that other's are living through similar pain/experiences.  You want to get mad?  See who has a kickboxing class tomorrow.  Go kick your anger's a$$! 

Karen

p.s.  None of us is good at this mourning stuff.