Seeing, Feeling, Knowing

In my estimation these three things present a BIG problem for us as we go along this process.

Academically we know we're changing. It's obvious, at least at first. The scale tumbles downward (either in a slow roll or a mighty stampede), we shrink out of our clothing and the compliments abound.

But then...the scale stops, we settle into a clothing size and folks get used to the "new you." And that's where I see problems start. It happened to me when I was at that place - no longer a newbie but by no means adjusted to this strange, new world in which I found myself. And part of my adjustment issues were in seeing, feeling and knowing.

For the life of me I could not see my new body. Part of this is because of the copious amounts of skin I carry around but the larger portion was my brain. Nearly anything can affect the image I see in the mirror. I eat an apple, I see a slender chick. I pop one measly Dorito and I see that 330 lb. girl! I began to notice, though, that the first five seconds or so I looked in the mirror I saw myself as I am (realistically...warts and all) before my brain started interpreting that image. My lesson? Never look at myself in the mirror longer than 5 seconds if I can absolutely avoid it! (No...I am not kidding...and I use smaller mirrors for face washing, hair-doing etc.)

I also didn't know how I should be feeling about this new life. When you are new you are on a mission. It's all about getting that weight off. Starting a new life. Changing your habits. Well what happens when you lose the weight, your new life is underway and your new habits have become your new normal. What's your goal then? What's your mission? What is your driving force to continue down this path which, by the way, is exceedingly uncomfortable. Littering your path may be jealous friends and family, conniving co-workers, wrecked marriages, unresolved issues...all of which you have to now deal with WITHOUT sedating with food. That's hard! Because when you cease to be a newbie, the difference is that you CAN sedate with food. At a point most of us become capable of eating too much crap again. So what's your catalyst? What's the reason you keep doing what you are doing?

For me it was because eventually I learned something important. When I don't take care of myself I feel yucky. And thankfully I remember the elation I felt my first year. The boundless energy, the increasing confidence and the joy of discovering my self-esteem. To me, that's worth fighting for. And so that's MY catalyst. I don't want to feel worthless, insignificant or like a failure. That's just not my vibe anymore. So I fight for it, even on days when I want to say to hell with it all. Because I want to feel like me and me is a person who genuinely wants to enjoy life.

Lastly, I had trouble knowing that this was a life-long thing. You can be fooled into believing you have "graduated" from the bariatric lifestyle. You lost the weight, you are active, you can tolerate more foods. "Ok, bye bariatric people! It was nice knowing you!" But do you ever notice when vets DO come back they are sort of dejected? Some come back to say their lives are still good but most come back because they became complacent, regained and are scared. They essentially pushed the "reset" button. My theory is that they wanted to be on that mission again because it does give you a very defined purpose. 

But make no mistake. As you get further out you are more like non-ops yes. But you are not a non-op. You have requirements, not only where vitamins and diet are concerned but awareness. Obviously genetically you are predisposed to obesity. Your genes KNOW obesity. As time wears on your entire body, down to your cells, may begin to work to take you BACK to obesity because that is what your body knows (and essentially how  human bodies are built). So I'm sorry to tell you this...but you don't get the luxury of graduating. That's not to say you will or should spend a bunch of time worrying and being afraid. Not at all! But stay aware. Those I've seen who had near total regain have also told me that it happened because they stopped paying attention to themselves and their processes. 

So those are just some thoughts on my mind. We talk about food a lot in this process. We talk about vitamins, about poop, about jealousy and hurt feelings. But I'd encourage you all to work on the seeing, feeling and knowing. These are tools in your toolbox that will serve you way down the line.
 

Thanks Nik!!!!  A lot of good things to think about...

my brain is finally getting used to the way I "look'.  I still feel  like if I eat to much I am going to go to bed and wake up back at over 320.   I am starting to struggle with the- I am a normal person now, so its ok if I bend the rules a bit.   AND it usually bites me on the ass with a 2lb weight gain.  I have come to find my "line in the sand" on the scale.   If it gets to 163- bam- I start looking at what I have been eating.  It's usually because I have been snacking...just a handful of this and that or a bite off the kiddo's plate when I am cleaning up after dinner.  I am still early out not quite 2 years.  I am thankful for my success but I know the exercise  has played a HUGE part in it.  I will not stray far from this site. Even if I don't post much, the folks here keep me honest and inspire me on a regular basis.

Love this and so true to stay aware and not lose focus.

Unfortunately too many vets come back dejected, or don't come back at all and are one of "those people" that you are told about that have regained a significant amount of their weight loss. Thank you Nik for yet another insightful and thought provoking post about being a bariatric post-op.

Just coming here often to offer some of my experience, encouragement and not as often kick in the butt helps to keep my head in the game. This is a game that you can't quit, you're in it for life.

Oh nooooooo - you mean it's not ___ pounds lost for ever? 

Well said.  Thank you for your wisdom!

One of the best I have read yet by you.  You need to write that book!  We do focus on the now, which is important and I can truly see how once all the dust settles and the new you is now "normal" I can see where there can almost be a sadness.  It is kind of like for me and the holidays.  I ride on the high of anticipation, the decorations, family and friends and when it is all over, it's "now what?" yet that feeling should keep going regardless that the holidays have passed, because after all, the spirit should still continue just like our new life should be continued with anticipation.  Thank you so much for such inspirational posts.  Jane

That was an awesome post Nik!

Loved reading!!!