Depressed about puppy but a happy surprise at the Dr's office

I have really been struggling with increased depression the past few months, and having the puppy that I was supposed to get on Dec 8th get killed just made the depression worse.  I know it won't make sense to many, but I have an old internal message "tape" (I refer to it as the evil little voice in the back of my head) that keeps telling me that Khan's hips were so bad because I didn't "deserve" to be free of the fear of being assaulted again and feel safe in my own home... And that I don't deserve a replacement puppy (and that's why all the drama with the breeder and them selling the one puppy to the woman on Facebook, and then the puppy getting killed by the expectant mother in the next enclosure).  Yeah, I know the negative message is BS, but getting it to stop is difficult.  The "voice" keeps whispering that this last litter due later this month won't have any red males and that something will happen and I won't get the puppy the breeder kept from the late September litter, either.  Yeah, it's messed up... And it is screwing with my eating habits.  Only junk sounds good and I have been having to FORCE myself to eat healthy protein.  I hate that voice.  Seems like all I do the last few days is tell it to STFU.

The positive side of the coin, though, is that when I went in for the Synvisc injections in my knees today (and they now both are swollen even more than usual and hurt like hell), they weighed and measured me because they have a new computer system and it requires it.  I am still half an inch shorter than I have been my whole adult life, BUT... I am back at my goal weight of 145 pounds.  I was never over 151, but have been hovering at 147 for a long time.  I haven't been 145 for 3 years, so that was kind of nice. Maybe I can get back down to my lowest weight of 142.5?  I would love to see 140, but with almost no exercise, even if I drop back down, I don't know if I can maintain it.  Need to just quit being a baby and get that knee replaced...

I just needed to share/vent/***** and this isn't the kind of stuff I share with my family... and my best friend is dealing with her own stuff right now so I don't want to bother her with my nonsense.

 

Lora

Sorry you are struggling  :(   You have certainly been put through the wringer these last months, and having severe physical pain jsut makes things seem harder to bear.  I have some of those same messages... to the extent that one time my 12yr old nephew was in his age group world series baseball tournament. They progressed really high in the rankings so I had my sister start texting me play by play... and they lost. Of course it was because I was interested and I wasn't allowed to participate in happiness.

Keep telling that voice to STFU.   You deserve all good things!

 

Good news at the doc office!  Your maintenance success is such an inspiration for me....

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I almost deleted the post because I was a little unsure about posting the first part, so it means a lot to me to have someone else willing to be open about those old negative self-messages that mess with our heads. (As a counselor, I know that MANY people struggle with such things, but are not often willing to talk about them, even in counseling!)

You would think that KNOWING that the messages are not based in reality (and do nothing but make us feel bad about ourselves) would be enough to shut them off, but sometimes it just doesn't work that way.

Lora

No... it doesn't work that way, but wouldn't it be nice if it did?

 hope you are having a better day

Oh that little "voice" can be a royal pain in the derriere!!! I'm forever telling mine to shut up! When my little voice starts I have to really focus on the day, find something positive in it and then really refocus myself to the positive. I know, easier said than done, but it does help. Just find one thing in the day that made it worthwhile and suddenly you remember several other things. You've really been going thru it, however, this to shall pass. I'm sitting here thinking positive thoughts for you that one of those puppies is going to come to you, you're going to bond with him and you'll be the best of friends!

Congrats on getting back to your goal weight. As for that half inch shorter... be glad it's only a half inch! When they measured me I had gone from 5'6" to 5'3-3/4" a whole 2-1/4 inch loss! I'm already to short for my weight I didn't need to lose that!

Holy cow! Now THAT is shrinking!! I am only 5'3", so I am very glad it was only half an inch. I am already two inches too short to reach cabinet shelves, etc.

Lora

So sorry you are struggling. Hope things work out for you. 

Losing height at this age can be a very important marker - have you had a DXA scan?   I had mine a week ago and one of the most positive factors is that I haven't lost any height ...

If you haven't had one, you might consider having a baseline done ...

Yes, I had one done about a year and a half ago (well after the discovery of the loss of the half inch) and it was fine.

Lora

I am so sorry about the puppy that is so tragic.  I hope you are able to get a new puppy soon.