5 years out - dont think ill ever b outta the woods

Had my RNY in 2007.  5 years later, I am maintaining at around 130 - 135 lbs (a good weight for my height & frame - any littler & i look sickly). 

I still log every bite I eat and every ounce of fluid I drink - just to keep me honest (and thin).  I didn't GAIN all that overnight - I wouldn't REGAIN it overnight either.  So I am careful. 

I was a binge eater before my surgery.  I would go on binges where I would eat extremely large amounts of food to deal with stress, depression, pretty much anything.  Since my surgery, my surgeon's directives regarding portion size have kept my pouch small - and I have observed those rules and never once binged (although there have been a couple of times when I have wanted to). 

I had a really stressful day today (actually a really FEW stressful days).  I wanted to binge SOOOO badly.  It's important that you understand when I say BINGE, I don't just mean "cheat" or "overeat" or have too many "treats" or anything like that.  Even though many of you have been or are still obese and MAY have or have had the same binge issues I have dealt with, I feel the need to actually type out to you what a "binge" was for me.  I think I need to type it out not just to make sure you understand, but to make sure I acknowledge/affirm just how ridiculous eating that amount of food in one sitting is.

Today, for lunch, I had a spicy steak soft taco just the way I like it.  An hour later (after I almost got side-swiped & ran my company car into a curb & nearly tore off my two left tires, had to get a flatbed tow to the tire dealership to completely replace all the tires on the left side of my car, tell my supervisor & her boss, write up a memo about the incident, etc, etc, etc), I wanted to eat again.  I wasn't hungry or even thirsty (I was drinking water).  I just WANTED to eat - and not just eat really, but BINGE.

I wanted what I used to consider one of my favorite lunches before my RNY.   I wanted to eat:
a Wendy's baconator w/ extra-large fries & diet coke
+ an order of crazy bread from the Little Caesars next door to the Wendy's drive through.
(I'd wait an hour or so after that for my McFlurry dessert.)

Now typing that out, I KNOW that that is a ludicrous amount of food for just one woman to eat at one sitting.  I can still remember doing it.  Going through the Little Casears drive through, ordering & paying for my Crazy Bread, then going next door to the Wendy's drive through to order my baconator combo.  By the time I paid for that and got it, I could drive back to the Little Caesar's drive through and pick up my Crazy Bread. 

I'd eat the whole order of garlicy buttery crazy bread first because it got cold faster - washing it down w/ that diet coke.  Then I'd eat the baconator & fries.  And they say obesity is not a disease.  Tell me what about that is not sick? 

In any event, I did NOT go eat that this afternoon.  I drank my water instead and finished my stressful, work-day-from-hell, then came home and had a nerve pill with my supper (which was the reasonable amount I normally eat now as a post-op). 

I know I felt such a strong urge to binge today because I have been under so much stress lately.  My son leaves for college Saturday and I cannot even begin to express how stressful (and just emotionally draining) all of that has been.  Then all this with the wreck thing happens today.  Just straw that broke the camels back.  But I did NOT let it break me.

I saw someone on here say once that even though they were years down the road, they have to check to lock on the door to their fat girl every day or something like that.  That's the way I feel.  I am definitely a "skinny girl" now... but that fat girl is still inside me.  Sometimes, I go weeks or even months not thinking about her (because I don't have to - she's asleep or something inside me).  I think too much stress wakes her up - like some sort of protective alternative personality I have or something, waking up to try to de-stress me in the only way she knows how.  On THOSE days, it's a battle to ignore her until the end of the day when I can't seem to get to sleep fast enough (because I know tomorrow will be better).  Today was a that-kind-of-day, except I'm feeling better now that I have my nerve pill, so I think she went to sleep again.  LOL

Sorry I don't have time to proof-read this.  So it may come across as jibberish!  Hopefully my general message will come across! 

Thank you for being willing to post so openly about your struggles. i can so easily relate with the binge eating. i would do the wendy's baconaitor meal with extra fries. little ceasers pizza with crazy bread. those two meals were my favorites. i would always make sure to eat the extra fries or whatever before returning to work.

it's one reason i've personally decided to go vegetarian. for whatever reason, for me, it's easier to just say i don't eat meat then it is to think i am depriving myself to lose weight.

You sound somewhat "normal"...whatever that is.
If I ADD UP all my major weight loss efforts over the years, I've easily lost 500-600 pounds.
Minimal long-term success.
As a senior citizen now, I had RNY less than 2 months ago.
I'm encouraged that I've lost about 1/3 of my excess with the pre-op and post-op efforts.
It will ALWAYS be a struggle.
I hope to live my remaining years as a "thinner" person.
Right now, I'm committed to working on it...because I already FEEL better.
Thanks for your story.

Congratulations on all your weight loss and evenmore so on resisting the urge to binge today. I haven't had surgery and truly appreciate honest posts like these that remind me that this surgery is just the starting point for a lifetime of work and choices. I know what you mean about sending your son off to college--I sent my youngest off last year and it was very stressful. I did fine with the first one the year before but the empty nest was hard, especially since he has epilepsy. He did great his first year and loves school and your son will too. It really is neat to see how the relationship changes with them as they go away and come back at breaks. As my husband kept telling me, " It's what we raised them to do!"  

 Thank you thank you for your brave and honest words.  I feel like I should copy and paste this to re-read when times are tough.  Congrats on all your success and maintenance. I think you are a true role model for the many of us who can totally identify with your words.  You give me hope as well as strength to work this journey hard. 

Andrea. 

 All I can say is WOW.  WWhat a cleansing of your mind to put it on paper.  In addition to getting it out of your system you need to know that you have inspired many of us to keep it going even when the times get rough.  Thank you for your honesty and congrats on your ability to keep the binge eating at bay and make it through the day.  KAREN

Thank you for sharing. I think it's truly interesting all the different pathways that led to the intersection of Obesity & WLS for all of us. A thousand different pathways to the operating room, not quite as many pathways out.

I see the "Road Rage" version... the one who has the surgery, but is determined to fight it tooth-n-nail to the end, and when they plunge over the edge of the cliff back into the miasma of obesity, they blame any and everyone else.

Then there's the version that gets out of the "obesity machine" and takes off running, and never quite stops, choosing fitness as their new virtue to replace vice.

Then there's the "rubber-neckers" who sort of get into this journey but never quite stop what they are doing long enough to pay attention to their own journey instead of focusing on others' journeys. These end up heading for the twin cities of Sliders and Grazers, inching their way back up to the onramp to the whole journey again, wondering why the scenery is so familiar.

You've got your Law-Abiding-Citizens who want to retake the drivers' test until they get 110% on their test, create a regimen, and follow it to the letter (that's me), hoping they never accidentally do a lane change without signaling, or inch up to one mile per hour over the speed limit. Perhaps, like me, they're so full of following the rules, they sit in befuddlement when they're pulled over not sure what they did wrong to get in trouble. Even after the scale-ticket shows that they indeed have done something wrong, they still don't know what it really was that went wrong.

Of course most of the individuals on this journey have perhaps a mixture of the above, mostly successful, but not always, following most the rules, but not always, okay with the rules, except one or two, doing a bit of exercise, but not much.... I sometimes envy those for whom post-op maintenance is easy. I thought that was me at 3 years out, but now at 4 1/2 years? Well, definately not me. According to my doc, I'm up 10 pounds in 12 days. *grr*

Good to see you. I come here to keep my head on straight. It helps Some

 I too used to eat to celebrate, eat to morn, eat for any reason under the sun except because my body needed fuel.

I have to learn to NEVER give into that behavior again.

So far doing ok. Thanks for your post, hope you find other ways to cope as well.

Have a bit more time to respond at present so thought I would ask...what techniques/skills/behaviours do you think you have developed since RNY to help cope with this "fat girl" when she wakes up??  Tips for us relative newbies always appreciated :)

Your post reminded me of something my surgeon said.  My obesity is in remission (never cured) that it will be something I will have to manage for the rest of my life.

I spend a lot of worry these days about regain/long term success as (like most of us here) have had many weight loss "successes" only to gain it all back...my heart keeps asking if this time will be any different.  What your post reminds me is (a) success is possible but (b) don't expect it to come for free, without lots of hard work.

Thanks again.  Any advice/insight appreciated.

Andrea.

Honestly, I get myself through those really hard time in mainly 3 ways:
1) a LOT of self-therapy, basically telling myself constantly things like:
you do NOT want that
it will NOT taste as good as you remember
that is your sickness in your mind when you want that much food - not a WELL person and you want to stay a well-minded & bodied person
you know that's how it would start - cheating 'just this once' - that starts the downhill slip & slide back into obesity
2) removing myself from the stresser that caused the urge to binge (if possible)
3) just telling myself that the urge will pass, that my will just has to last longer than the urge & just honestly toughing it out - because the urge really WILL pass, tomorrow really IS better

Hope that helps!

Wen