Vent not for the faint of heart (nor gawkers or "regain-o-phobes")

So today has kinda been a bad day. 

I woke up feeling some kind of way, which graduated to out-and-out weepiness which did NOT get better when my realtor told me that yet ANOTHER buyer for my house flaked and so it will probably sit on the market for goodness knows how long. 

So I decide to go on a jog. Because if I stay in the house I probably will be up to no good. So I went to the lake and did REALLY well. I jogged two times arond! (That is three miles) and walked around one time.

Now last week after my Monday workout I weighed just to see where I am. Yes, yes, I know you should not weigh at night and especially not after a workout but I did and I actually was pleasantly surprised at the number. So I did something I almost never do anymore. I made a scale goal. Just to see if I ate well, exercised and drank my water, would my body respond in kind?

And then I went about my week. The scale goal didn't really affect my workout schedule much. The last few weeks I've been going at it pretty hard just trying to get back to the level of fitness I was at when I was at the height of my gym-zeal. The goal did help with my eating though. I made choices knowing how much I wanted to see that little goal (it was really small) come to fruition.

So back to today. After my jog I swung by the gym so I could weigh in on that same scale, figuring it'd be an apples-to-apples comparison. Last week I weighed after a three mile run and this week I did too. I kept my workout promises to myself this week, KILLED with the water, the whole nine.

I step on the scale and...it read 4 lbs. HIGHER than last week.

Now before anybody gives me any yadda, yadda about muscle weighing more than fat and muscle recovery and fluid retention, I call bull**** on my fricking broke ass body. You retain 1 or 2 lbs. because of fluid. And I have about the same amount of muscle I've always had, according to the body fat scale.

So...I am officially a freak of nature. I am also staying the HELL away from the scale. Not out of avoidance but because it deters me. It makes me want to say "fuck it" and go eat a bag of Doritos. I felt GOOD when I was running around the lake. I felt GOOD at spin class and Body Pump. I felt GOOD drinking my water and logging my daily food and seeing how well I was treating my body. I did NOT FEEL GOOD staring at that number on the scale.

As it were, I decided, even though I'd already run, to take out my frustration there. I was PISSED to say the least. So I did a few thousand meters on the rowing machine, three sets of chin ups and three sets of regular push-ups. After that I felt calm but not better.

Right now I really want to kick something...but my damn legs feel like Jell-O. So here I am. Venting. But hoenstly, there is a reason why I don't weigh often and there is a reason I set fitness goals instead of scale goals. So I think maybe I just need to stay true to my quest for self acceptance. Because maybe this is where my body wants to be? Maybe this is my weight and I just need to get with the program.

Maybe I should just resolve that if I am to be the weight I am for the rest of my life:

a) it's a hell of a lot smaller than I was
b) I should continue to take care of my body simply because it feels good and 
c) I will be the sexiest damn thick chick alive

But right now I am pissed: more at myself than at the scale.

That is all.

Ah, Nik.  I know how frustrating that can be.

I think for you, perhaps staying off the scale and focusing on fitness goals is a good idea.  Some people find that weighing regularly helps them maintain.  But it doesn't seem like it helps you, it seems like it frustrates you.  And I get that.  And you do a good job of eating healthy and getting exercise without focusing on the scale.

Maybe this is where your body wants to be.  And there's nothing wrong with your body where it is.  Not everyone is going to be super skinny.  I really do believe that people come in all shapes and sizes.  And one can be healthy and beautiful if they aren't super skinny.  Can one be healthy at 400 pounds?  Maybe not.  But does one have to be 130 pounds to be healthy?  Nah.  I don't think so.

Treating your body well feels good.  So keep doing that.  That really is what's important.

 Yeah, that's why I am mad at myself. Not for making the goal but letting the goal determine how I feel about myself. I kicked ass this past week. And I did it mostly for ME. But in that moment on the scale I LET MYSELF FEEL LIKE A FAILURE. And that's really disappointing. I thought I'd matured past all that. 

I guess it just goes to prove we're all works in progress.

small to no comfort I am sure, while you are so angry,... but you are gorgeous and healthy and can kick butt with the best of them. I can only hope I will have the determination and drive you do so I can be as toned and fit as you are.
Be angry, vent... and then keep on keeping on

 Oh I wish I had your energy and your love for exercise!!!  I know you feel rotte, but you are such an inspiration.  Feeling crappy isn't helped by having the sale of the house being a pain in the ass, too.  I wish you a better sense of peace in the days to come and just quite simply keep up what you are doing.  

Yeah, if all the scale brings is unmerited feelings of failure, screw the scale and stay off of it.  You already know how I feel about the emphasis on "the numbers".  What you may not know is how completely awesome and inspiring I think it is that you have been so focused on health goals and self acceptance and not giving power to "the numbers".  Don't let a number take anything away from you.

Lora

Screw the scale. Evil heifer.

I would however like to improve my pace in my run around the lake. So I'm gonna work on that. There was this one couple ZOOMING around the lake and I looked at them and said to myself "Self? That's what you wanna look like doing this whole thing!"

 I am no help but just wanted to give you some hugs! I wish I had your motivation and energy!

 A couple things

First I am so freaking proud of ya for the running!  You have stayed with it and fought hard for where you are at today so be proud of that fact.

Second the 1-2 pounds for retention bull crap! Your body retains what it wants.  After my July 4th 10k I watched myself gain 9.5 pounds in 3 days!  I totally freaked and called some friends who calmed me down.  2 days later I started ******g like a race horse and dropped pounds like mad until I leveled out at what seems to be my normal right now, a number I am not happy with.

When I am hitting the gym hard I can gain up to 5 pounds over the week and drop it all on a day of laying around.  So again don't buy into the 1-2 pounds.  What happened?  I have no idea as I can burn 7000 calories in a day where I consume 2000 and see the scale move nada unless I drop a deuce.

I'm trying to figure this out myself.

I'm sorry Nik. as much as we try - i think it's just natural to want that number on the scale to say something specific. I am VERY proud of you though for taking that anger and frustration out in a positive fashion.

I know you want to compare apples to apples, but there are too many variables during the day. if you want to step on the scale - do it first thing in the morning. but i think you are right and staying off is best.

you are beautiful and HEALTHY and working hard.