"They" said I'd gain it all back.... are "they" right?

184.6

That is what my scale said this morning.

I've been cutting back on my calories as much as possible without causing my RH to blow up in my face. For a while I used to eat more calories.... but the Reactive Hypoglycemia was not well controlled, and my blood sugar fluctuated widely. I then dropped my calories, and switched a LOT of my calories from carb calories to fat calories (cheese, avocado, artichoke hearts marinated in olive oil). From inching up a few ounces a month, and maybe a pound every six weeks (which was disturbing) the change to fewer calories, and less carbs, but yes, more fat was great. I almost never worrry about the reactive hypoglycemia, I have far fewer issues with constipation, and I get full faster. And I started putting on more weight, faster. Real weight too.... I am not just reacting to serious water retention, my thighs and upper arms are bigger, no doubt about that. I'm gaining real fat weight.

So riddle me this.... I've been cutting 50 calories here, 100 calories there, even cut my protein shake consumption in half in case the extra 220-calories in the form of 47 grams of protein and 3 grams of carbs and 3 grams of fat were the culprint. I'm down to 1000 or 1100 calories a day... my blood sugar isn't as stable, the constipation is back, and I'm now going up one or two pounds a week.

I'll admit, I've been a slug the last couple of weeks. I'm  on vacation, and I don't want to do anything but be a sloth (or a turtle). Last year work was hard. That I even used the word "work" in the sentence is telling, because prior to last year, it wasn't even a "job" much less "work". What I have done in the past has been a labor of love. But last year was monstrous, summer school was enormously worse, and I've just wanted to shut down that part of me that is a workaholic and vegetate and literally take some time off.... heart, mind, body, soul. Every bit of me needed a break. I've been powering up a bit, putting in three or four hours a day, pushing to get ready for work, but it's been hard to get motivated. So anyway, I know I've been resembling a sloth for the most part.

Some of the "not so nice" people who used to haunt this forum before OH cracked down on the troublemakers and encouraged them to post in their own surgery-specific forum, and not here. But before they left, I had a few fairly nasty pokes taken at me by people who obviously, logically, were making ludicrous predictions. Several, when I was barely eating 600 calories a day and was more than 18 months out, ludicrously suggested I seek help from other more-successful postops to help me with my "eating problem". It was always the favorite taunt to say "See you in five years when you've regained it all"

Well, Obviously I haven't regained it all. I'm still down 165 pounds from maximum, 109 from surgery. I'm up 20 pounds from optimum.

But I've come to wonder.... have I been fooling myself all along that I can remain in the ranks of the utterly-normal? Sure, a lot of Americans are 20 pounds overweight. But is it inevitable that
I'll gain it all back? Is there some cosmic "thou shalt weigh 350 pounds" label on me that I'll never escape? What more can I do?

I realize that it could be a couple of things combined or separately. I'm half-way convinced I have fibroids, and these can actually get quite large and heavy. That might be accounting for some of the weight (though not the extra girth in my arms and legs). I might be having metabolic or thyroid issues, that could be the case also. I'm seeing my PCP's PA for my annual well-woman visit (and to discuss the blood workup she ordered but I didn't get that the insurance paid $1500 for) and so hopefully we'll get to the bottom of this. But what happens if all the tests come back as "everything normal?" 

But really.... other than devoting my life to exercise.... what else can I do?

Today I went to the store, and I was pressed for time, I nabbed a small warddrobe for myself to wear until the calories inevitably burned off by 4.5 hours a day of concentrated movement starts to chisel away at my weight. I didn't have time, so I snagged a variety of soolid size 12s ... several of them labeled "stretch" (which my obese brain always re-labeled as "I can get into it, even if I'm a little bit"). I didn't try them on. Some were labeled simply "large" and some were 12s
So I got home and tried everything on. I got more and more distressed as I went through my purcchases. Except for two blouses (size Large) and two pairs of slacks (a little snug, but they fit). Most of teh rest of the blouses (size Large, I was in mediums last week!).... didn't fit. Most of the pants wouldn't get past my gargantuan thighs (I'm sure they would have fit my waist if they'd gotten past my enormous thighs. 2 skirts, 5 pairs of pants, two pairs of jeans, 4 blouses...... it'll all have to go back.

{Please don't tell me to exercise - I just thought I'd mention that here and now. I'm working on that, but it's a hot button topic. I started this post, and gave a hefty sigh, and hubby asked what was it, and his "maybe we should go on a walk - right now" just sort of flipped me over into tears instead of just mopey and needing support. I know I need to move my butt more, but it has always been a hot-button topic for me ... as I explained to hubby without recriminations ... for whatever reasons, the push for me to exercise just targets that part of me that has always been labeled, by myself and others, as fat and lazy}

I have no answers. But I am kind of right there with you.

I am up 20 - 25 pounds from what was my "acceptable" (to me) post-op weight. I have been here for the last year or 18 months. I am flirting with my "never-again" weight.

Personally, I've made the decision to work very hard (not physically) to just not go up any further. Am I really happy about being this size? I honestly don't know. Mostly I am concentrating on just enjoying the blessings of being "normal" - although we all know "normal" in America is about 30lbs overweight. My life is still exponentially better than it was preop.

And actually, I'll probably jinx myself by saying this, but no I don't think I will ever get up to the tight size 28's I was wearing before. Life events all came together at a specific time for me when I gained all that weight. I literally doubled my body size in 14 months. So there were other issues involved - not just overeating. I was fortunate in that I had never weighed that much, or even close, before and was only SMO for about 10 (long) years.

I'm still down about 154lbs from my starting weight. I wish I had the answers and you can bet I'll be watching this thread.

PS:
In my mind, I actually KNOW that if I cut out carbs and the "whites" I would probably be closer to what I wish I were. I guess at this point in my life I am just not ready or willing to torment myself by depriving myself. My fear is I would totally feel on a "diet" and would return to the old cycle. I also have pretty severe RH at times and have had to incorporate more fatty foods into my diet. It has been the only thing that seems to have a positive effect.

Sorry for a wordy non-answer. So many thoughts swirling in my head around this lately and your post is so timely for me, as they many times are.

Know you're not alone=)

See.... upping the fat has stabilized my RH like nothing else has. Cutting back on carbs didn't do it. Eliminating carbs was unrealistic. Adding fats and cutting back on carbs (and really, cutting my calories too)..... THAT takes care of the RH to where it's practically gone. A BAD RH crash is enough to make me not want to go there ever again.

Thanks for your support.

 

Me too Lith.  I have added fat, and actually have cut down on white carbs (unintentional though it was -  working to try to eliminate the RH).  I will still have a bite or two of something sweet each day.

For some reason the fat is what really seems to have done the trick though.  And there is no way I can eliminate carbs - my body goes into some kind of weird shocky thing.  I even had crackers the night before my surgery (with my surgeon's permission) and while I was very early post op I was allowed carbs as well.  Some people's bodies literally will not function correctly on no carbs.  Don't care who says that's the best diet for everyone.

Anywho.  Like I said, I'm right there with ya.  Let's see what wisdom the board has to offer=)

PS - the only exercise I CAN do is walk.  And sometimes I can't even do that.  So I don't do aerobic exercise per se either.  And I'm not gonna be able to start.  But there  are millions of thin people in the world who don't go to the gym.  That can not be the only answer.

You're awesome

Today I probably had a good 1/2 mile in walking (Costco is huge)

Tomorrow I'm going to go on a half-mile walk. (Hubby doesn't want to cut his swimming pool workout short, so I'll walk to the doctor's office, and hubby will pick me up). I feel good about both days of moving my tush.

I think that those who don't have RH - who haven't gotten their blood sugar down to 32, or 28 -- can't possibly know how it feels to find a way to set it at bay. It's WONDERFUL to find ways to get it under control. Fat seems to be my key. I don't eat fried food , but avocados, olives, olive-oil, the fat in FAGE yoghurt.... And I'm not going to go back to the way it was ... not willingly.

Today I went to the neurologist, and I made the mistake of having some grapefruit (straight up fruit) ... by the time we left, I realized too much time had gone by. I don't miss the RH issues, not one bit.

I am far from knowledgeable... but just wondering if in cutting your calories you cut some of the fat as well? Perhaps cutting out those food items will give you some room to add in more frequent small snacks to fend of the RH?

Again... I am just tossing stuff out, no clue. But I do believe in you being successful... even when you might not believe it yourself.

When I go back to work, I'll be on a different food schedule. I'll be switching my "fatty" snacks for more "carby" snacks just because they're more portable, and I don't have many options. I actually was gaining on the carby snacks, but not nearly as fast as I have been. The fat stabilizes the RH nicely

I do understand that theoretically if I don't increase my calories, I should eventually level out at my new level of maintenance. I won't keep gaining forver. The fat deals with the RH, but perhaps there are elements to the RH.... perhaps if I consume calories in a way to control the RH blood sugar issues the whole "control" is encouraging storage of calories instead of usage?.... I just don't know enough.

Perhaps I need some basic education about how Insulin, carbs, protein, and fat work together to provide (A) energy or (B) stored energy (fat)?

I know that Sugar goes in the mouth, and the pancreas produces insulin.... the insulin takes the sugar and turns it into little packets of "Red Bull Energy Drinks" for the cells. The cells get all excited and hyper .... do they store that energy when there is too much insulin, or do they burn it? When I have a low-blood-sugar issue, the insulin packets in my blood nabs MORE of teh sugar packets in my blood and converts it into energy packets (?) .... and does what??? uses them up?

When I'm eating more protein and fat, this ccauses my body to use the insulin at a more regulated rate.... does this mean that the "regulation" of my blood sugar results in more packets of energy put up on the store shelves (fat cells) and fewere of them being consumed by the body's cells for partying? 

that said, the biggest difference between when I was gaining (but slowly).... I was drinking more protein drinks, and eating fewer snacks, and the snacks are always very small "get me through the next two hour" variety. Now that I'm on complete vacaationm I'm on the "eat slightly less often" (4 or 5 200 to 250 calorie "meals") with a few less consequential minor snacks. 

Starting a week from tomorrow I'll be starting the day off the same as always, quiche & grapefruit, followed by likely two or three protein shakes. I'll likely have a 100 calorie (carby) snack for lunch and another protein shake, and probably oen more protein shake for the last period of lessons. 

I can try to keep my meals at the end of the day small, one instead of two .... but I just don't know if 2 meals, 2 snacks and 6 or 7 protein shakes is the best choice (I make half-strength protein shakes after the first couple of full-scoop ones) Perhaps this is what I need to try. that will be (mentally adding it up.... 500 for meals 200 for snacks, 220 for full-strength protein shakes  and 240 for half-strength protein shakes = 1160 calories, but still more than my current 1000ish calories) Also, once I'm back at work, I have very limited ability to eat snacks. I must drink while teaching. I can't get througgh more than one sentence without drinking or I'll lose my voicce.

I'd see my weight loss surgeon, but I'm pretty darn sure it has nothing to do with my stoma or my pouch. My food is based on a schedule, I don't feel hunger. I don't eat because of hunger.

I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time with this, my friend.  First of all, although I wish i could tell you what is going on with your body, and I can understand the intense frustration of doing everything you know to do and still having to watch the scale go up, I can assure you that there is NOT some cosmic decree that you are destined to be 300+ pounds.  I understand the fear, though.

I do hope the doctor can figure out what's going on.  I just cannot imagine that everything would come back looking normal!  It should be easy enough to determine if you have fibroids.  If they are large, they can often be manually felt with a routine exam (now that you have lost so much weight!)  and an ultrasound can identify smaller ones.

I wish I had something more encouraging to say.  (It has been a very long, very stressful day, and my brain feels like jello.)  Please try not to let the negative "catastrophizing" thoughts take over.  Hang in there and do whatever you can to get the medical answers you need ASAP.

hugs,
Lora

p.s. I had one of those "not so nice" people make the same nasty 5 year comment -- just because she didn't like something I said in one post!--  and I now wish she was still around so I could stick my tongue out at her

Wouldn't surprise me if the "not so nice" person was one of the same pack.

I can't imagine getting hugely obese without significantly upping my calories. But the fear as irrational as it is, still has some power over me, or it wouldn't be a fear.

I'm pretty sure the PA will work with me. The lab owes me at least one major set of labs, since they "wasted" a huge blood draw by accidentally filling an old blood order instead of filling the new order. S'far as I'm concerned they should be required to pay for at least as detailed a blood work order on their dime instead of mine. I know that the well-woman visit and blood draw is supposed to be free (ACA) but not sure if the kind o blood workup I'll ask her to run will fall under that purview.

Rest easy though, I'm not allowing it to drop me to my knees. It's just transitionary as I prepare to go back into overload. I'll be okay.

I think I'll sleep in tomorrow. I don't have to be anywhere until 11 am to see my neurologist. As hubby puts it, we still have some procrastination time before starting classes a week from tomorrow!

I do value your unwavering support.

 Trust me, my dear, after suffering from PTSD for a dozen years, I know all about irrational fears that persist!  Knowing that they are irrational does little to diminish their power sometimes.  It does help to remind yourself occasionally, though.  I am definitely not worried that this will bring you to your knees... I know that you are strong and that this is just a safe place to give voice to the fear and frustration.  Once school starts and you (hopefully) have some medical answers, things will be better.

Lora