(OT) So upset... just need to vent

I sent the Chow breeder another email since she had repsonded to the one I sent last week asking about coming out to see the dogs/pippies ot get a "fix" while I am waiting for my replacement puppy and asking her about some things related to dysplasia in her puppes (I have some reliable, scientific info that seems to indicate that a very occasional random case of dysplasia in a breeding pair does not have a significantly higher chance of producing a  dysplastic puppy than any random pair of dogs... which, if true, would mean I might be willing to accept a puppy from an impending litter from Khan's parents)

Anyway, she replied back but it was very formal in tone, had a general vague staetment about their very low rate of hip dysplasia, and then the following: "We have people on our waiting lists that have been waiting for reds for some time. We do have several litters coming up in the next couple of months and expect to be able to provide you a puppy. It may not be out of Bella and Kaiser's litter since they are due soon."

Huh?!?!  WTH?!?    Her email to me when I told her I was going to have to have Khan put down, and asking about the procedure for getting a replacement puppy (they have a 3-year health guarantee against genertic defects but they also have waiting lists for all colors of puppies) told me that I would NOT have to go to the bottom of a waiting list, and that I should let them know when I was ready to get a new puppy and then "the next red male is yours".

I sent a reply telling her that tomorrow after work is better for me to visit than Friday, and telling her that I am confused by the above, that I was expecting to be at the top of the list.  (No reply yet, but my reply was late this afternooon.) 

I am HOPING that she was just very busy and/or distracted and did not realize who the message was from (they frequently have people come out to visit the farm to see the dogs and the setup, including the "maternity ward", before they put a deposit on a puppy).  Still... I just burst into tears when I read it because that negative little voice inside me has been whispering that something will happen and I will not be able to get a new puppy (ever... or at least for a long time).  (I have lost a significant number of people I loved  (due to death, I mean) and I struggle with feeling like I am being punished for some unknown reason/action/character fault by having those poeple (and now Khan) taken away.  (Yes, I know it is irrational nonsense, but that evil little voice is very persistent.  My therapist actually told it to STFU last week, LOL.))

I should be able to get an answer and straighten things out tomorrow, but in the mean time... well, I just needed to vent instead of eating...

Lora

Oh, I understand that feeling of being punished. 

Let's assume she was busy/distracted/didn't realize who the email was from/something benign unless/until we learn differently.  Is it possible to give her a call in the morning instead of waiting for a response by email?

I will be going out there after work tomorrow, so I will get an answer then.  She still holds down an outside job while her husband works the farm/kennel full time, so I would end up talking ton him if I called tomorrow before I head out there.

I am trying to assume that she did not realize who it was (the whole email was just odd and unlike any other email exchanges I have had with her since the first couple almost 3 years ago) and so it is just a mix up (and that I am one of those people who have been waiting for a red puppy!).  That is the only way it makes sense.

I really appreciate you telling me that you understand the feeling of being punished.  I was reluctant to include that part, but I figured no one would understand the depth of my reaction to this if I didn't.  I feel like a bit of a therapy failure in not being able to shake that... but we are still working on it.

Lora

Well, then I am a therapy failure, too.

Here's my thing.  Well, one of them, regarding feeling like I'm being punished.  Six years ago, my kitty Eileen wa**** by a car and died.  I felt immensely guilty because I had let her outside that morning and then gone off to do other things without getting her back in the house first.  Shortly after she died, this stray kitten showed up at my house.  So I adopted her.  A couple months later, she went outside one day and never came home.  I never found her, never figured out what happened to her.  So I felt like I was being punished.

And decided I am cursed in some way and not supposed to have any more cats.  I still have Cayenne, and she is almost 13 years old,, and has health problems.  She won't be with me forever.  And she is my last cat.  I am planning to get a dark.  I decided that, for some reason, my curse only applies to cats, not to other animals.  So I can get a dog.  But I can't have any more cats.

Yeah.  Therapy failure.

Because I don't have much else to say. I hope you get some resolution.

Dear Lora,

I can relate to your frustration and your heartache. I too have experienced a lot of loss in my life. My father was murdered when I was just 11 yrs old. A lot of therapy over that and feeling abandoned by "that" side of the family.

I am so sorry to hear about your puppy issues and having to put your baby down. I hope that the breeder was just feeling rushed or was busy when she gave you the response that she did.

I had a beautiful English Bulldog, her name was Bailey. Being a mom to 5 sons, I desperately wanted to try again for a girl and then my husband jokingly said, get a dog! So yes, she was my Princess! She was about 5 months old when she 1st started having health issues. She had entropian and had to have her eyelids removed where the lashes were. About another 6 months later she needed to have the entropian surgery again! I felt so bad for her and people at work made fun of me for taking my vacation week to stay at home and nurse my girl back to health. She was about 6 yrs old when she needed to have ACL surgery and she had her gallbladder removed when she was about 9 yrs.

At first I did contact the breeder that was of no help! Her solution was for me to bring her my beloved Bailey and let her take her to her vet. Mind you she lived 3 hours away. I took my little girl to the Michigan State Vetrinary Specialists for a full health check-up after her 1st surgery at 5 months old. I took all of the documentation for her bone scan, her eye issues and so on and filed it with the State of Michigan for breeding animals with known issues. Her response was for me to give her the dog and she would put her to sleep and that she would give me a $1500 credit. How heartless! For one thing Bailey was $2,200 cash and there was no way I would have taken that amount either, she was like a child to me and I loved her.

I miss her horribly and she passed away in December 2011 from a seizure and then she had a stroke. There was nothing else that I could have humanely done for her and it was the worst heartache.

I pray that you get the answers that you want and I hope that these people do right by you.

SusieQ

 Lora,

(((HUGS))) I'm sorry for this unexpected setback. It imust be hard to deal with this on top of other losses you describe. I hope it is just the misunderstanding you think. But in the meantime it is upsetting to have to wait to find out. 

I hope all goes smoothly tomorrow. Don't be so hard on ourself for the negative feelings. From reading your posts over my time here I certainly sense that life has not always dealt you a fair hand.  No wonder you have these negative feelings at times...what would you tell a client in a similar situation?? Try be kind and gentle with yourself..

Hope you get to meet your new 'baby' soon.

Andrea. 

If you still have the email (totally understandable if you don't) stating they would get you a red pup as soon as you were ready, print it and take it just in case.

Christian content:
I still tell my counselor I feel jinxed. When I was about 11 or so my favorite dog had to be put to sleep. A lady at the whacko church I went to at the time told me that when we love something more than God , it will be taken away from us. So from then on I worried about if my love for people / pets could be mistaken for loving them more than God.
Then my ferret died -totally my fault but I was just a kid. I bathed her and put her in her cage to dry, set it in the sun but only for about 15 minutes or so - she died of heat stroke because ferrets are crazy sensitive to heat. My dad came in my room where I was sobbing on my bed and said "poor old Cleo, why'd you have to go and kill the poor thing?"
Thankfully I go to a Christian counselor who helped me accept God isn't standing at the "spontaneous implosion" button of those I love. He also has modeled how dad's are "supposed" to act when a beloved pet dies.

 Oh, yes, I still have the "the next red male is yours" e-mail.  If I have learned nothing else in 50 years, it is to keep documentation "just in case".

It saddens me to see how much emotional damage people sometimes suffer at the hands of (presumably) well-meaning people in the name of religious beliefs.  When my partner was killed by a drunk driver over 10 years ago, I had someone from the church I had attended for many years actually suggest that he was taken from me because we had chosen to "live in sin" against the will of God (for financial reasons while trying to buy a home and pay for a wedding with only one income and around $100K in combined student loan debt).  I have not been back to that church since then, but her words hooked into existing thoughts/feelings of being "punished" with previous losses and her words made those though/feelings even stronger.

Lora

At my brother's viewing (he was later cremated) one of the people there came up to my mother and was very nice, very comforting, and asked if he could sit and pray with us, and my mother was more atheist than religious (or at least, she refused to share any religion with us kids) but then this guy starts into this prayer asking God to give us comfort in this time of my brother going to burn in hell for eternity since my mother never got him baptized.

Some people's interpretation of "christian love" make Christ out to be one really mean son-of-a-***** I just don't get that sort of attitude.

Ultimately, you gave your chow so much love andd he was here a short time. But none of us know how many days have been given to us. These animals that warm our hearts and homes are with us, and we have a mutual love and sharing with one another until that end comes. He didn't know why it was so bad for him, but he did know of your love. That's something nobody can take away from him, and a loving memory that nobody can take away from you. You had to make a decision out of love and caring. You knew it was right, and your heart was hurting when you made that choice. The new dog you get is going to fill a void. He won't replace the missing piece but he'll make his own warm space in your heart for a lifetime of mutual give and take. It is tough, no doubting that. But perhaps instead of "deserving" the loss.... perhaps you merely deserved to know the love of both animals, and alas, the only way to have both of them in your heart was this way. The love and feeling of being loved you gave teh first (and will give teh second) can't be quantified, but it's tremendous, it really is. I saw your proud momma pics, the love was obvious and mutual.