I think I live in this body now (rambles...)
I honestly believe that each of us is made the way we are - mentally, emotionally, etc. - for a reason.
Personally, I'm highly analytical. I obsess over the details of life and emotions. I pick apart things and put them back together just to see them from a different angle. Hence, my illustrious career as the board preacher :)
One benefit of this way of thinking, though, is that I have reached some pretty significant emotional milestones as of late. They can be summed up in one simple statement.
I like me just the way I am.
This is HUGE for me. Huge. I didn't used to like me. Before surgery I sort of despised me. I didn't necessarily dislike my body but I just felt like I wasn't about anything. That I was on a conveyor belt going through life but that I was MISSING it. Every day I went around looking for this "it" and wondering if I'd die unhappy and dissatisfied.
And when I had this surgery at first I worried myself to DEATH. Lora and a few others can attest to that fact. I was always fretting: over calories, exercise, benchmarks, comparing myself to others, the damn scale.
As the years from surgery have gone by, though, I think I have begun to live in this body of mine. I am the size that I am - WAY smaller than I started out, bigger than maybe I envisioned. But I am ok with me. The only time I am not ok with me is when I let the addict part of me start running the show. It's an every day, every minute battle to keep the upper hand from that monster, but I am willing to fight it every day to feel the way I do right this moment.
I like me just the way I am.
Truth be told, (and I say this a lot so prepare to eye roll) I am marvelous! Look at what my body has done. I am so very, very, very healthy. I was reading a book about a cleanse that described how a healthy human body should function and guess what? I fit ALL the criteria.
But more than the physical, as of late I've had a kind of mental peace. Yes, I just had a big loss but you know what? I am working through that. I ask for hugs when I need them, I cry when I need to, I go for LONG walks and think through what's going on in my mind. The very LAST thing I have been thinking about amidst the change and pain is doing anything harmful to myself (and I consider bingeing just as harmful as alcohol, drugs, cutting, etc.).
And just today I looked in the mirror and I smiled at myself. Truly smiled at myself because, by some miracle I can now SEE the progress. Yes, I still have plenty of skin but good grief! Where did all that body go? Where did all that self-hatred go? Where did all that toxic energy go? I have no idea. It mystifies me. But it's simply not there anymore.
I like me just the way I am.
Even if I never have plastics, never lose another pound, I am very grateful for this mental state. It's something far beyond what I could have thought to hope for at the outset of this process. And it means more to me than the number on the scale. Interestingly, though, in practicing this new sense of self value, self love, I do exactly the things that are likely to KEEP me at this weight (or maybe even lower...who knows?) for the rest of my life. Isn't that amazing?
So anyway, I just thought I'd share that. Because as you go along this journey you can wonder if there really is a reward, a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. My walk is far from over. There are lots of adventures to have. But to have gained this one thing actually means everything to me.
Personally, I'm highly analytical. I obsess over the details of life and emotions. I pick apart things and put them back together just to see them from a different angle. Hence, my illustrious career as the board preacher :)
One benefit of this way of thinking, though, is that I have reached some pretty significant emotional milestones as of late. They can be summed up in one simple statement.
I like me just the way I am.
This is HUGE for me. Huge. I didn't used to like me. Before surgery I sort of despised me. I didn't necessarily dislike my body but I just felt like I wasn't about anything. That I was on a conveyor belt going through life but that I was MISSING it. Every day I went around looking for this "it" and wondering if I'd die unhappy and dissatisfied.
And when I had this surgery at first I worried myself to DEATH. Lora and a few others can attest to that fact. I was always fretting: over calories, exercise, benchmarks, comparing myself to others, the damn scale.
As the years from surgery have gone by, though, I think I have begun to live in this body of mine. I am the size that I am - WAY smaller than I started out, bigger than maybe I envisioned. But I am ok with me. The only time I am not ok with me is when I let the addict part of me start running the show. It's an every day, every minute battle to keep the upper hand from that monster, but I am willing to fight it every day to feel the way I do right this moment.
I like me just the way I am.
Truth be told, (and I say this a lot so prepare to eye roll) I am marvelous! Look at what my body has done. I am so very, very, very healthy. I was reading a book about a cleanse that described how a healthy human body should function and guess what? I fit ALL the criteria.
But more than the physical, as of late I've had a kind of mental peace. Yes, I just had a big loss but you know what? I am working through that. I ask for hugs when I need them, I cry when I need to, I go for LONG walks and think through what's going on in my mind. The very LAST thing I have been thinking about amidst the change and pain is doing anything harmful to myself (and I consider bingeing just as harmful as alcohol, drugs, cutting, etc.).
And just today I looked in the mirror and I smiled at myself. Truly smiled at myself because, by some miracle I can now SEE the progress. Yes, I still have plenty of skin but good grief! Where did all that body go? Where did all that self-hatred go? Where did all that toxic energy go? I have no idea. It mystifies me. But it's simply not there anymore.
I like me just the way I am.
Even if I never have plastics, never lose another pound, I am very grateful for this mental state. It's something far beyond what I could have thought to hope for at the outset of this process. And it means more to me than the number on the scale. Interestingly, though, in practicing this new sense of self value, self love, I do exactly the things that are likely to KEEP me at this weight (or maybe even lower...who knows?) for the rest of my life. Isn't that amazing?
So anyway, I just thought I'd share that. Because as you go along this journey you can wonder if there really is a reward, a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. My walk is far from over. There are lots of adventures to have. But to have gained this one thing actually means everything to me.
RNY Gastric Bypass 1-8-08 350/327/200 (HW/SW/CW). I spend most of my time playing with my food over at Bariatric Foodie - check me out!
Good for you!! Most of the time I like "me" (which is a huge step), but it is definitely something i still struggle with every once in a while.
Laura in Texas
53 years old; 5'7" tall; HW: 339 (BMI=53); GW: 140 CW: 170 (BMI=27)
RNY: 09-17-08 Dr. Garth Davis
brachioplasty: 12-18-09 Dr. Wainwright; lbl/bl: 06-28-11 Dr. LoMonaco
"May your choices reflect your hopes and not your fears."
You are - the picture of self-actualization... I am sitting here smiling as I read your post. I can sense the feelings you have and they are so awesome. I look to you as my role model in an "I want some of that" kinda way... in the very short time that I've been on my journey I am beginning to see some of those chainges in me. There is NOTHING (nothing I tell you) better than feeling comfortable in one's own skin. Thanks, Nik... you are my inspiration, and I love you 
Wow, thanks for your words!
What's interesting is I came to this realization largely from having people come into my life that are unhealthy and unhappy and seem content to remain both. It's like living on another planet. Except I used to live on their planet so I know what it's like.
And as much as I want to pull folks into my crazy little brain sometimes I realize we each have our own walk to walk and our experiences are heightened by our unique journeys. So that is to say, if they desire to reach contentment, when they do, it will be much better for having their own experiences to back it up.
As for me, I'm doing ok. Looking forward to seeing where each day takes me.
Hugs!
What's interesting is I came to this realization largely from having people come into my life that are unhealthy and unhappy and seem content to remain both. It's like living on another planet. Except I used to live on their planet so I know what it's like.
And as much as I want to pull folks into my crazy little brain sometimes I realize we each have our own walk to walk and our experiences are heightened by our unique journeys. So that is to say, if they desire to reach contentment, when they do, it will be much better for having their own experiences to back it up.
As for me, I'm doing ok. Looking forward to seeing where each day takes me.
Hugs!
RNY Gastric Bypass 1-8-08 350/327/200 (HW/SW/CW). I spend most of my time playing with my food over at Bariatric Foodie - check me out!
Nik, you are an inspiration to all. You have a peacefulness about you and kindness that comes through your posts. I have taken what you have written in the past and utilized it in my own life. First and foremost I learned to stop and take a deep breath. Breathe!!! I don't think we realize how much we hold our breath in and stopping to take a deep breathe also helps to refocus. Thank you, Jane
Most Active
Recent Topics
