My 6 years Post Op & Head Issues (Very Long)

 Amen sista!

Dawn

I am glad to read that I am not the only one who senses an undercurrent of judgmentalism when the topic of bounceback comes up.  If you stop doing what you are supposed to be doing and gain a few pounds as a consequence of changing what you are eating, that is one thing, but if you continue doing what you have been doing all along and the bounce happens, that -- IMO -- is different.  

I sometimes sense the same undercurrent (but it may be just in my mind) when people talk about their body wanting to stay at a certain weight even if that means having a small amount of residual fat.  I often get the feeling that what people WANT to say (but don't dare) is that those whose bodies are not stick thin are somehow "settling" and deluding ourselves and using that as an excuse for not doing whatever in order to BE stick thin.  But, again, maybe that is just in my own head (projection, if you will) since I have been very open about my own struggle with not having a body than can be squeezed into a size 8 (even with a 25% body fate percentage and DDD-cup boobs).

Lora

I've felt that "shame" that my body seems to be putting on the weight. My food isn't changing. The rules are a part of my life and I don't think about them as rules. They are just part of me, and I don't even think of breaking them. So my early-out sentiment that significant regain won't happen seems to be flawed. I think that the biggest person who is calling me a failure is my earlier self who thought that it was simple. If it was so simple, I wouldn't be fluffing up. I've found my happy place with food, a place where Reactive Hypoglycemia and dumping do not visit, and I'm gaining. I dropped a lot of carbs out of my diet, and I'm gaining. I feel ashamed, but I'm not breaking the rules. Am I failure? Is there something wrong with me that I can't maintain? 

I never wanted to be stick thin. But I liked where I got (when I was 15 pounds lighter, and 19 pounds heavier than minimum).

I think I have figured out the science behind it, but then I feel a failure for not getting the muscle mass back through dedicated exercise.

I think that it's a very tough place to be in, 4 1/2 years out, gaining, and following teh rules religiously. Anyone who sees my daily eats knows that I eat the most boring food in the world.

It's freeing to be able to talk about it, but the me of 18 months ago doesn't think the me of now could be regaining and following the rules simultaneously. And then there's the reactive hypoglycemia issue. If I have to go back to daily blood sugar issues and cut my food back, or keep my blood sugar stable and gain a bit until I stabilize, I'd rather gain a bit. I have a super strong aversion to going back to the fragile blood sugar stability when I consumed more carbs and less fat.

Yeah, I get it.  I actually had someone send me a PM and tell me that if I gave up my three snacks a day that I might be ale to fit I to a size 8!  Besides the rudeness of the message, I pointed out that
1) my hypoglycemia will not ALLOW me to only eat three times a day
2) other than my daily 100-calorie snack, I eat a pretty damn healthy diet with only good carbs... and my snacks are things like Greek yogurt, string cheese, half a serving of nuts, deli meat and cheese, etc.
3)  DDD boobs are NEVER going to fit into a size 8, and I have almost no fat around my hips (and no excess skin anymore) and yet I still need a size 10 pants to fit my hips.

At least I am not actively gaining.  I can imagine how frustrating it is for you.  My weight creeps a bit, though, and I have to periodically eliminate the daily treat and some of the veggie and fruit carbs to get it back off, but I already only eat 1400 calories per day since i am not exercising so there is not a lot of room to still eat 6 or 7 times a day and cut any significant number of calories!

Lora

I am frustrated. very frustrated. I know this is my "slothful month" and I've always gone up a little during july. I work my butt off (literally) during the school year, and it takes a LOT to get me out of the pattern of work. I really am a workaholic. But once I break the pattern, I have to dedicate myself to focusing on NOT working. This time next month we'll be 11 days into the new school year, and I'll be on my feet 4.5 hours a day, every day. My hope is that since my exercise attempts have been pretty sad so far, perhaps I'll do better during the school year.

And I'm pretty sure that a chunk of my weight gain is feminine. I'll be having a well woman visit in a couple of weeks, and I'll be asking my doc about fibroids. Wouldn't surprise me if I have some of those, and from what I've read they really can weigh a good chunk. My mother, at the same time she had cervical and uterine cancer, also had fibroids to the tune of 11 pounds worth. That might be the biggest explanation to the expanding girth. I'm on my third unusual period in a row.

I have to remind myself that while I'm not awesome at the exercise this month.... when I counted it up I have had 8 days of exercise.... and that might seem like a silly amount to brag on, but for someone who has never exercised I think that's pretty big. Especially as I've also had more than a week of unexplained swollen glands, and several other issues.

I've come to accept though, that it might be that my diet might be incompatible with the size I want to have. I'll have to reach an equilibrium of both calories in and out, and mentally.... if my equilibrium point is a size 12 and 185, is that wrong? Especially if it's the weight that supports the diet that keeps me healthy (no blood sugar crashes?)

Yes... You are exactly right... You need to find a balance of how much you must eat to stay healthy and happy (no RH, no dumping) and finding a weight you can maintain while doing that.  I am SLOWLY coming to terms with being a 10/12.  I am much more "ok" with that when I am places other than here, because in the real world --rather than in the OH world of numbers obsession -- I am a very normal size after living most of my adult life MO (and much of that being SMO).

i did not ask, nor did the doctor tell me, how much the fibroids she took out of me weighed.  She just told me there were 4 of them of "significant" size and one small one.  I do not remember any significant drop in my weight after my hysterectomy, though.

Hang in there, my friend.  

Lora

Thanks Lora. I'm pretty sure that I'll balance out. July is always a strange month to me, as I'm out of my "comfort zone"... I'm introspective and focused on myself more than other months of the year when I'm focused on doing my work.

I do have a couple of beautiful dresses and I have every intention of being able to fit in them when I go on my December and February cruises, so I'm perhaps a little more focused on the weight right now for a short-term goal of looking and feeling awesome about myself while going on a trip of a lifetime. While wearing those dresses (and I didn't weigh much less than I weigh now) I look in the mirror and see a beautiful thin person.... and my mental note-to-self tells me things.... because my mind said "in spite of the number on the scale" which tells me the number has more power over me than it should.

If I go back to work and fit in my clothing (in the summer I laze around wearing close to nothing), even if I don't fit in all of it, I'm thinking that the return to 4.5 hours of vigorous moving my body I should fit better in my clothing within a month.

I just want to fit my clothing that I own rather than buying a larger size. That's the bottom line for me. So long as I fit what I have, I don't care what the box on the floor says. (mostly)

 I don't think it is an undercurrent at all, but something that many posters (mostly on the main board, I've noticed), say continously.  They seem to believe that if you are not at the perfect weight, you are somehow complacent or not trying hard enough.  

 Just another reason for me to stay off the main forum!

Lora

Thanks for taking the time to respond to my post.

I think we are all a "work in progress". 

Have a great day!
Dawn