OT - Not sure what I need but I need something

 It has been three months since my mother died. And for the most part I am dealing. But I have not set a foot back in her house since the day of the funeral.

My stepdad and I remain quite close. We’ve worked at our little relationship over the past few months. I think the holidays will be a clincher in us remaining family.

Anyway, my mom’s dog had puppies. Lots of them. And he needs help getting rid of them. I promised I’d come take pics to help get folks interested in them (he’s selling them for a small fee). But I have this “mind thing" about going back there.

In truth, I sorta had the same mind thing when mom was alive. That house…there was just an energy about it that repelled me. Possibly because there were unhealthy relationships – with self and one another – going on there.

But now add to that that I have to walk over the spot where my mother was found dead and…ugh.

Will I ever get over this? The house used to belong to my great-aunt Bernice so it’s not like I have no connection remaining to the place. And I do need to decide what of my mom’s things I want and what I don’t. Preferably soon because I don’t think it’s healthy for him to be living in that bedroom with all her stuff there like she’s coming back soon (although I would need to ask him when he’s ready to part with the stuff).

 

So anyway, I just had to get that off my chest. I’m going to get over this mental block. He’s helped me so much during the last few months I WANT to do this for him and take a bit of his burden off his shoulders.

 I totally understand the mind thing.

When my father died (under very difficult cir****tances) me and my brother would not go into his place.  My uncle sent some employees from the family business to take care of moving his things out and into storage.  My mom said she would hold the unit (they were divorced and dad really did not like mom anymore****il we were ready to go through it.  To be 100% Honst me and my brother have never gone through it.  We told my mom to see what she could and what she knew neither of us wanted.  She has sent me items over they years and to this day I still don't know what is in the storage unit.

 I understand where your coming from. I had to clear out my great-aunt's apartment when she passed, and it was one of the hardest things to keep going back to the apartment. She died next to her bed, and man, it really creeped me out when I had to work on the bedroom. A lot of tears we're shed in there. Oof...

Anyway, I think it's good that you're helping your step-father with the puppies. Hopefully, this will be the beginning of true healing for everyone. 

I'm so sorry Nik. While I've never had to deal with your exact situation, I have had to deal with returning to difficult places. It's always hard, but I have found sometimes that we 'hype' it up in our minds making it even harder the first time. Will you 'get over this' as you say? You can, but you need to be gentle with yourself and go slowly. But you need to move forward. Each time will be easier. I found it helps to replace negative memories with more positive ones if you are able.

My faith helps me a lot with these things- I believe a lot in the power of energy and how that impacts areas and myself in a space.

((hugs)) from michigan.

 Nik, maybe this is too woowoo, but you might have a version that rings true to you. Visualize brilliant light radiating from you, washing through the air and objects around you. The light, to me, is capital-E Energy; universal love. That energy bursts from your center, through you, into your mother's house. You and everything and everyone else are washed by, filled with, made of that light and energy.

It's something that helps me in hard situations, when I can get it together to slow down and see it.

Like I said, pretty woowoo. For what it's worth.

This is a hard time, but you'll do the right things.

Maybe you could start with just going to the yard - ask him to bring the puppies outside. That would make great pictures and would allow you to go there without going in the first time.

 It's all hard. The things, the places..maybe not the puppies so much.
I was in my mother's house for 4 days after she died. I will go back one more time in August.
I don't want any of her things..just a revere ware sauce pan she got when she got married. I love that pan.
I'm also getting a giant Lincoln continental and a diabetic dog.
I did walk into her walk in closet and couldn't take it. It smelled too much like her.
What I am missing the most is talking to her everyday. Such a big big hole.

My advice/thought for you is to do all of this stuff on your own time. This is a hard one.
Do what feels right for you.
Take care,
Deb T.

Oh, Deb. You know at this stage it's like memories poke me and surprise me. Little things that I don't expect.

True story. The other day I was in the center compartment of my car and came across one of my mother's dread locks! I kid you not. It fell off about a year ago (a sign of her declining health) and she gave it to me and asked me to keep it forever. Not knowing what to do with it (and, admittedly, a bit freaked out by it at the time) I stuffed it in my center console only to be found the other day. I was reduced to a puddle in my car.

That and the last thing she wore. I have those two things. They are important to me for some reason. I have a friend who is going to start to teach me to sew tomorrow. I want to make myself, my girls and my brother a quilt of her old clothing.

As for the house...I am probably just gonna bite the bullet and go. Plus, I've been dying to see the puppies. My mom wanted them so badly ! (She knew they were on the way)

 I think a quilt is an amazing idea.  if i knew how to sew i would make one for my kids.