Oh, no she didn't! Oh yes, my MOTHER did...

I have only told a handful of people because this is about ME – not them. I love my family but as soon as they know… it will be all about them. Their ideas, their suggestions, their experience. Ugh. They have NEVER EVER walked in my shoes.  My SIL and I had our first kids three weeks apart. I had twins (3 wks early) and had one (on time). My husband left for his first business trip before my babies celebrated being a week old. He was gone 90% of their first 10 months. Her husband was there morning, noon, and night. Her parents were there doing anything and everything they could to help 24/7. My mom worked full time and my in-laws weren’t able to see the babies until we drove to meet them at four months! I had SEVERE postpartum. She (and her size 10 body) was be-bopping around town within weeks. At one point early on, during one of my postpartum moments, she said “it’s really not that hard – you just need to snap out of it." When her second baby was born, she told everyone she knew how lucky I was to have had two at once, and how much easier it was for me than her having the two separate births. I could go on but I think I’d said too much already… I love her. I have forgiven her (although she has no idea she ever did anything to be forgiven). She is one of my favorite people. But I promise you… she will most likely be one of the last ones to find out because those comments went to my core. And it took a lot of soul searching and praying to reject them and move forward. Do you have any genuine support? If so, lean on them more often. Is it possible for you to relocate without you mom, or vice versa? Hang in there. Get the book Boundaries. And stay in touch on here! This is NOT easy but clearly you are an amazing woman for persevering inspire of your surroundings!! 

My only genuine support is Jesus Christ first, my ownself second, my DH third, and my kids fourth.....My exended family including my mother, please.....


So here I am today, and with the above support, I am all good

this is a tough spot to be in. its true that the surgery has helped u make better food choices and you have a tool that they dont have. maybe ur mom feels like its not fair for u to make it seem like it is so easy to eat healthy and maybe she feels like u r looking down on her now.

of course u r just trying to help because u want to see them healthy and happy. i think with your son, you will need to lay down the law and explain to him the importance of taking care of himself. when it comes to your mom she is grown and understands what she is doing to her body and she will probably ask for help when ready. i think you should try to lead by example instead of voicing ur concerns and she will come to you for advice and tips on her own time.

i know that i get defensive when people (my mom or relatives) tried to help me even though i know it was coming from a good place, i felt embarassed and ashamed and pathetic whenever it came up so I would lash out a little. i hope you can talk it out, good luck :)

Lisa,

I am so sorry that you are not getting the love and support of your family.  Maybe deep down both of them are afraid of the change.  You are changing. Even though its a really good change its hard for others to accept the change.  Maybe they're afraid of losing the old you.  Hang in there and just be a good mom for your son. He needs to understand that both weight gain and weight loss are complicated and not simply calories in and out.  If it were simple and easy none of us would have needed surgery.  Fat discrimination exists.  We have to help undo people's attitudes.

Please do not take this wrong. I also love my mom dearly and respect her but she raised me to stand up for myself no matter what. If it were me in that situation my mom would have left in tears. You need to stand up for yourself and not let people walk over you.

Now, as for your son. I do not know if you were an obese child but I was. Just the word FAT tore like a knife. Your son needs to learn how bad it hurts. My 5 year old knows "fat" as a bad and mean word that she should never say to anyone. She knows what it means and will not say it for any reason. I have asked her if I am skinny, she will say no. I have asked her well what am I then, she will hide her face and say she cannot say it because it can hurt me. It is about what you teach your kids and how you teach it to them. Imagine your son going to school and calling another child fat or teasing a child because their parents are fat or had the surgery.

Cowardice and the easy way out is doing nothing and staying fat and unhealthy. 

Right after I had surgery  my mom informed me that she told her church lady friends that I had "elective surgery."  My response to her was, "Elective?  Well, I guess if you consider that I 'elected' not to die from diabetes then you can consider it elective. 

My mom's pcp suggested surgery to her years ago and she said no way.  She is now too old to have surgery (76).  I think if she could turn back time she would at least consider it.

Amen to that! I agree....It takes a lot of COURAGE to go through this surgery. You know you did the right thing for yourself. It's often the first step towards finally putting yourself first and taking care of yourself. You should be very proud of your decision.

I am sorry your family has said such hurtful things to you. Maybe write your mom a letter stating how hurtful it was and that you don't want to hear that again from her. I bet she is proud of you, really, and maybe somewhat jealous if she is heavy herself. I have so many people in my life say, "I wish I could have that surgery" but they are just not quite big enough to qualify or aren't ready to take that step. She probably said that last part about cowardice in the heat of the moment, as you said that you had had a heated exchange already.

Best wishes in dealing w/your family. You always have support here; we understand!

I am so sorry you are going through this. I personally, wouldn't allow my 9 year old to say such things. I understand that he is just expressing what he sees, but you can gently teach him that it's not considered polite and not to educate him on the topic.

it's tougher with the mom, people have a right to their opinion i suppose, but not to be mean and hurtful. When i told my family about the surgery, i made it kinda clear that if they didn't agree i didn't want to hear about it.

You did this for yourself and your child(ren). Talk to your mom privately and tell her she is no longer allowed to give you her opinion about the surgery. What's done is done. And tell her she is not allowed to say negative things about it to your children. Period. I think your son is getting it from her. My sister-in-law is doing the same thing. My 10 year old niece is morbidly obese. I try to lead by example, trying to get her to eat healthy. Surgery got me to where I am now, but eating healthy and exercising keeps me thin. My sil tells my niece the only reason I am thin is because I had surgery, so of course my niece tells everyone that, too. Too bad my sil cannot use me as an exaple to help her child become healthy. I worry about my niece and do not understand why family members have to be such haters. I think jealousy definitely comes into play.

 Oh honey been there! 
I went up the wall and back on my mother and "family" gave them every reason in the world on how its NOT the easy way out after arguing back and forth this is what i had to say! 

"So eating right, and exercising, while being on long list vitamins For the REST of my life is the easy way out? gee im SO glad i took the EASY way out! im so glad i chose to be healthy for my children, and not suffer from high blood pressure, thyroid problems, PCOS, and diabetes! yes thank you for the AMAZING amount of ignorance you all have built up. OH and before you judge someone for wanting to be healthy maybe you should all look in the mirror" (my family is ALL obese or big)
that was the LAST thing i said and since then people have nothing bad to say. they ask me how im doing from time to time... but they know better then to say anything.