It's not in my stomach. It's in my HEAD.

So I've posted over the last few days I've been dealing with a stomach bug.

It is in these moments that food addicts become most keenly aware of the inner workings of their addictions.

I often personify my addiction, saying it speaks to me, likes this, hates that. That's honestly how it manifests in me. Almost like that little devil on my shoulder constantly telling me to do things. Sometimes I listen, most times nowadays I don't. Wait...that's not true. I ALWAYS listen. I don't always respond.

So anyway. You want a glimpse into the mind of a food addict? With the exception of the height of my stomach bug where I had overwhelming nausea and pain (wherein my addiction sat down and STFU), here's whats been going through my head as I've been dealing with a lack of drive to eat:

"Yeah. I should eat. Can I eat? I'm not hungry but I should really eat. Maybe just a bite. Yeah, a bite. I bet that bite will turn into a meal. A meal. Yay! I like meals. Yes, let's take a bite. Just one bite. Just a little bit. C'mon...let's do this..."

Takes bite. Feels icky.

"Ugh. That was a mistake. Should have waited another few minutes. In another few minutes I'll try another bite. Yeah a bite. I bet that bite will turn into a meal. A meal. Yay! I like meals..."

And on and on it goes. For you non-addicts, THIS is what food addiction is to me. Some variation of this narrative is ALWAYS going on in my head. Many days it's hard to cope with this. Some days it's almost like having "mommy mute" (any mom whose taken her kids to the grocery store should know what mommy mute is). 

So just a glimpse into my warped head. One thing I'd like to highlight. I used to think of the thoughts itself as failure (I should not be thinking about eating so much therefore I am a bad post op). But the thoughts do not determine victory or defeat. Actions do. So if any of you experience this, take heart! You can think as much as you want to. So long as you ACT right, you are winning!

Hope you feel better soon!

 I'm actually enjoying the leverage being sick gives me. It's as close to mental peace around food as I get. :)

Get out of my head....

I am going to print this and post it at work right inside my cube, near the drawer with the snacks. Then I will post it at home on the fridge.
It will be a constant reminder to me that its the action not the thought that is bad

Nik, you and I have a lot in common (cooking, baking, etc... ) and now we have a food addiction issue in common because I have those inner head debates!  I haven't had any since surgery, but pre-surgery, I did.  And I have a feeling I might experience it again at some point down the road.

Sorry you're feeling rotten.  Get well soon.

Wow. That's a really interesting glimpse.

I'm not sure how I would handle that sort of internal dialogue. I think it would make me crazy as a ham sandwich, to tell the truth.

It's a curse you learn to live with. I like to think that the fact that I don't overeat or shoot myself despite the ever presence of this internal conversation is a triumph in and of itself.

hmmm....I think I have similar thought patterns although I do a lot of food planning in my head....I have been reading this book and one of the points she made was that yes giving in and having a "treat" feels good briefly - but that not having it feels good longer (like a victory) and that is something I have been trying to remind myself... to combat my own self talk. Yes I talk back.....and I tell myself that not giving in will feel better....and usually it does. food addiction sucks.

 Yeah see to me not giving in doesn't feel better. I mean I deal with it. But it doesn't feel better. 

What I have come to realize is that there is some serious biochemical stuff going on. Because I latch onto the idea of eating and my brain will. Not. Let. GO! But if I can get my mind off of it, life goes on and it's all good. But that desire, that craving, that urge is like a 30 foot tidal wave and it's not easy resisting it all the time.

Let's just say more than one time I've been driven out of my own damn house by food. Sad, but true.