OT - Gym Therapy

This is just a stream of consciousness.

Just got back from the gym. Boy was that what I needed. I feel like sometimes my emotions can get so plugged up. It's in my nature to keep them that way. Somewhere along the way I picked up the belief that you do not let feelings out, you hold them in.

Gym therapy will erase all that stuff.

I had a simple goal. Three miles on the treadmill. That has been my benchmark. I can do more if I want but I HAVE to do at least three miles. How fast I do that three miles is up to me. Last Saturday I did it in 30 minutes. Today it took me 41. Something in me was HEAVY. But I kept pushing. I knew it was a mental block. Some feelings I was trying to hold onto that I needed to let go of.

I kept thinking of that song by Erykah Badu, "Bag Lady." At one part of the song she tells you to let go of the bags you're carrying around. I needed to do that. At around 2.5 miles I loosened my grip. Ended up doing 3.3 on the treadmill. But I wasn't where I wanted to be in my head.

So I got on the bike. The Y has these bikes that run on a system called Expresso. I like it because it plays up my natural competitiveness. When you register you get something called a ghost, which is you riding at your personal best time (it's all irradecent and whatnot). Your "goal" so to speak is to beat your ghost on whatever ride you are doing. I always do one called "Coastal Run" which is a hellacious one for a beginner like me. Damn thing has inclines that go up to +14% and it's about a 3.4 mile ride. My best time WAS 14:24. Today I chased that ghost like he had my paycheck...and then passed it! And finished the ride in just under 14 minutes.

And that, I think, is what broke the dam. Well...either that or the Kirk Franklin CD I put in on the way home. I parked the car in front of my house and had a good, long, HARD cry. I needed it. I'm still a bit misty-eyed but I feel a lot better.

But at the end of it all, it occurs to me how DIFFERENT I am now than I was four years ago. Four years ago this situation would have seen me wallowing. And when I wallow, I eat. And when I eat I am slowly killing myself.

These days, I want to live. Even though I am working through a lot of emotional pain, I want to live. And thrive. And be healthy. I don't want food to be my friend. I want people to be my friends. I want hugs, not "kisses." I want to laugh, not a Laffy Taffy. :)

So...if you've read this far...you are a lot better person than I am. Go to bed! Enjoy your spouse. Be well.

Good night.

you have some seriously amazing epiphanies. I can understand how intense exercise and physical exertion can put you into a different mental state to help clear things up.

Good for you for navigating your emotions in a healthy way. sometimes a good cry is just what needs to happen. you deserve it, and the release it gives. and remember - there is no guilt or shame with feeling release and happiness even in sad times.

I read it all... twice. I want to absorb the words and learn from them because I want to be successful too.
The emotional part is the most difficult for me. Sometimes the fear of what gym therapy does to me is what keeps me out of the gym. I'm so backwards
Good stuff to talk to my counselor about, probably.

I think part of the reason I like the gym so much is that it takes me out of my own damn head. I think entirely too much. When I am on the treadmill my focus is single-minded. Do not fall off this damn thing!!! Any thought that detracts from that is dangerous!

And I think sometimes it just takes me NOT thinking for a little while, giving the old brain muscle a rest, to just let go of whatever I am holding onto. In another life I would have doubted my capability to handle whatever came out of that process, but these days I am feeling a bit stronger. My mom's death aside, I have been through some stuff. Hard stuff. And I'm still here. I'm a hot mess some days but hell, I'm still here. That's something, right?

But you're right, the emotional part is by far the most difficult part of this journey. At least for me. But it's also been the part with the biggest change. The successes I have found in that realm sometimes "outweight" the scale victories. Before I lost the weight I did not feel. Anything. At all. Now I do. And it is sometimes a ***** But when it's good it's really great.

As backwards as I am about emotions,  you wouldn't believe how far I have come.  There were days in the past when my counselor would hand me a paper with a list of different "feeling words" and I would have a panic attack. It didn't matter if he was asking me about good, happy feelings - I didn't know which emotion was "Right" and I would totally freak out. 

   Now, I can at least pick feeling words off the list lol.  I do ok in his office, but outside of there I am still too stoic and "tough" for his preference.  I think the word he actually used was stubborn, but stoic is better.   :)

  Today in the gym I found that when I am really struggling with the workout, I push through by imagining whatever difficulty I have going on personally.  Maybe it is still a way to avoid the emotion part, but I guess it is better than stuffing the issue or stuffing my face?

 God bless you Nik!!!

I got a little weepy reading this. You really have a way of speaking that just touches me. It sometimes seems like you are talking straight to me. Kudos for sharing your thoughts and emotions with us. Have a peaceful nights rest!

My theory is we are all different variations of the same person!

Thank you for the well wishes. According to my GoWear Fit, I finally HAVE been sleeping through the night. WOOT!

 i've been using it to relieve my stress lately. i had to skip today and i just don't have the time on tuesdays so i can't wait for wednesday

 Heres to you NIK