Gotta get something off my chest

 Yep, I’m being reactive. I get to every once in a while.

Here’s my “deal" on this board, so to speak.

In my humble opinion, most people in life (not everyone, but I would be bold and say most), in situations where they are struggling, like to put themselves in the archetype of “the victim."

Someone is messing with ME. Why won’t they stop???

 

I don’t believe in that. Never have. Never will. Simply put, I just wasn’t raised that way. So the fundamental difference between the above statement and how I personally think would translate into the following.

 

I am allowing someone’s actions to affect me? Why am I doing that?

 

Do you see the difference?

 

Nobody can MAKE you feel anything. Not good, not bad, not ugly, not fat, not worthless, not priceless. NOTHING. No human has that power over you. YOU have that power over you. And it’s not even a matter of you giving them that power but of you perceiving them having that power when, really, it is all about YOU and nobody else but you.

 

To be fair, this is human nature. As humans one of the best tools we have to  serve as a barometer for good, bad and normal is how others react to us. But here’s the thing. Nobody is perfect. We’re not perfect and nobody else is either.

 

So when I give advice, it is very much geared to trying to get you to set up your OWN barometer of what is good, bad, normal or exceptional. Further, I’m a big fan of setting up these things on as objective data as you can find. If you have certain core values, those should be in your barometer. If there are certain indicators that have nothing to do with judgment (for example, determining your success based on a reduction in measurements rather than what you see in the mirror), I love that thinking!

 

Because you are not the victim. Nobody is DOING anything to you. Your life is defined by the situations you allow yourself to be in. Sure, some of those situations may be hard to get out of. Society may have a huge hand in defining some of those situations. But at the end of the day YOUR choices define YOUR life.

Don’t get mad at me for pointing that out to you. In my years of experience as a post-op I find embracing this concept is one of the best tools you can have. Because you guys may or may not have noticed that I don’t let other people’s opinions of me affect me. I still post here every day as egotistical as I was the day before. I still speak from a place of authority (although largely self given). Hell, I think it was just yesterday I posted that I thought I looked damn sexy.

 

This is not because I have a big head but because I define me. You all don’t, much as I love you. When I look at my actions and am disappointed it is because I have violated a rule of my own, not because anybody else has expressed disappointment or rage. If I am feeling insecure, that’s about my feelings about MY self.

 

So in closing I just want to say that I am not going to change that about myself. And if that bothers you I really don’t know what to say about that except that maybe you should ask yourself why. Because I challenge anyone here to find a post where I’ve violated my personal values of respecting every person’s dignity. I don’t believe in name calling. I don’t believe in making value judgments on you (cuz as much as I THINK I know you I really don’t). So in the end it’s really a question of why you let my words affect you in the way that they affected you. Not what I said.

 

 

Really like your attitude.  I admire how you are your own person and judge yourself solely on your own yardstick.  I hope to be able to do the same someday.  I get better at it each day.

Thanks for all of your wisdom that you post on this site.

Well said.

Love it! I also live this way. My mom says its cause Im "careless" (she doesn't speak English that well) but what she means is that I could care less, which is true. I love my life & no matter what people say or do, I never let them define how I'm gonna live MY life. I have a friend who constantly worries about what others are doing of saying about her, and I'm always telling her, "stop worrying about it. Who cares? Most likely they're not even thinking about you and your letting them ruin your life!" Yeah, I'm "careless". Lol! Life is good!

I learned that mind frame when I learned to forgive. Forgiveness is not about the other person or what they have done to you. It is about letting go of the power they have over you - learned that from Oprah

Well said, that is something that annoys the hell out of me as well, sure we all have our moments but it is frustrating to see it all the time!
I personally am a control freak at times so I don't like giving up my "control" to anyone else and that certainly won't be to an idiot whose opinion I really don't care about anyways!
By the way just wanted to let you know that I am still praying for your family in this time of loss and know that you are thought about!

 Very well said. I agree. I get a kick out of people... say on "facebook". They are complaining and complaining about life in general, then when people ask "what happened or what's wrong" - the person says "I don't want to talk about it!" That cracks me up. If you don't want to talk about it - DONT POST!! 
I have learned that we need to take responsibilitiy for our own feelings and how we deal with everything life has to give. It is a hard thing to process sometimes- definately! but when I went through some counseling after a nasty divorce, my therapist told me that I can not change the way others are, I can just change how I respond to them. He said I have to be happy with who I KNOW I am, not what my ex or whoever "thought" of me or said about me. If I know who I am, the kind person I am, then nothing else matters. That totally changed me- I now am in control of the mood I am in. Yes, people can still P""" me off, but it is only because I let them.

 Well said Nik.  Hearing the truth isn't always easy.  I read this board several times a day and not once have ever thought anything but great things about you and what you write/respond to.  I sometimes fear that the people are get defensive or upset weren't 100% ready for surgery.

Ms. Cleo, as I said yesterday, I love your wisdom on here !  ALot of people don't like to hear the truth or to face the fact that "THEY" might actually be the cause of some of their problems!  It is such a societal thing these days, the whole "victim" mentality..... " LIFE is 10% what happens to us and 90% of how WE REACT to it !!!! " Got that from the "Hymans Seafood Motto" in Charleston, SC, my hometown...... all we can control is ourselves.....  Again, so sorry for the pain you are in for the loss of your Mom, but hopefully as each day passes and the pain slowly fades.... may you begin to celebrate her life and the life that is in you!!  Thanks for being my friend !  

 Very well said!!!! I think we all need that reminder from time to time.