OT - PTSD and being told my back shouldn't hurt this much
OK, I think I just figured something out. And since I can't talk to my partner until he gets off work in another hour and a half, I'm going to share it with all of you. This will probably sound really obvious, but for some reason I just now got it.
When the back specialist is telling me that my MRI is "great" and I shouldn't be having this much pain and that there is no reason for me to be having this much pain, what I'm hearing is that I'm not supposed to be in pain and if I am in a lot of pain then I am doing something wrong or maybe I'm not really in pain at all. Which isn't exactly what he's saying. But isn't it interesting how sometimes people say one thing and we hear very different?
That's not what I just now figured out, though. I've known I do that sometimes for a long time. Like losing something in the translation.
What I just figured out is that at these times it seems I'm being told that I'm not supposed to be in pain, it's reminding me very much of things in my childhood and really triggering a bunch of PTSD stuff for me. For a good part of my life, I had a very hard time figuring out if I was even in pain or not, there was so much dissociation going on. There was just so much confusion from being told something didn't hurt when it did. And I still have trouble figuring it out sometimes now. Which I'm sure makes no sense to many people. How can you not know if something hurts or not?
So now I am left feeling like I'm doing something wrong by feeling pain, as well as doing something wrong by complaining about the pain. And feeling like people don't believe that I am in pain, even though no one has actually told me that. The doctor didn't say he didn't believe I was in pain, just that he didn't see any reason that I should be in pain. Which is not exactly the same as saying he didn't believe me. But that's another example of someone saying one thing and me hearing another.
I don't really know where I'm going with this. I will just say that it's hard enough to deal with chronic pain by itself, I don't need the PTSD stuff on top of it.
When the back specialist is telling me that my MRI is "great" and I shouldn't be having this much pain and that there is no reason for me to be having this much pain, what I'm hearing is that I'm not supposed to be in pain and if I am in a lot of pain then I am doing something wrong or maybe I'm not really in pain at all. Which isn't exactly what he's saying. But isn't it interesting how sometimes people say one thing and we hear very different?
That's not what I just now figured out, though. I've known I do that sometimes for a long time. Like losing something in the translation.
What I just figured out is that at these times it seems I'm being told that I'm not supposed to be in pain, it's reminding me very much of things in my childhood and really triggering a bunch of PTSD stuff for me. For a good part of my life, I had a very hard time figuring out if I was even in pain or not, there was so much dissociation going on. There was just so much confusion from being told something didn't hurt when it did. And I still have trouble figuring it out sometimes now. Which I'm sure makes no sense to many people. How can you not know if something hurts or not?
So now I am left feeling like I'm doing something wrong by feeling pain, as well as doing something wrong by complaining about the pain. And feeling like people don't believe that I am in pain, even though no one has actually told me that. The doctor didn't say he didn't believe I was in pain, just that he didn't see any reason that I should be in pain. Which is not exactly the same as saying he didn't believe me. But that's another example of someone saying one thing and me hearing another.
I don't really know where I'm going with this. I will just say that it's hard enough to deal with chronic pain by itself, I don't need the PTSD stuff on top of it.
Kelly
Please note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. If you want medical advice, talk to your doctor. Whatever I post, there is probably some surgeon or other health care provider somewhere that disagrees with me. If you want to know what your surgeon thinks, then ask him or her. Check out my blog.
Although I have no experience to compare to your childhood issues, I understand (intellectually and clinically) the interaction of pain and dissociation, and I know from experience how I felt when I was worrying that other people (doctors) thought that I was either not really in pain, or (more likely) thought that I was exaggerating the pain, even when they had not specifically said so. I agree that some of that is probably us projecting, but I know that there absolutely ARE times when doctors question what patients are telling them about pain (even if they DON'T think you are drug-seeking). I was so thankful for my PCP during my 18 month belly pain "adventure" because I knew that, no matter what the surgeons thought, he had absolutely no doubt that I was truly experiencing the amount of pain that I was complaining about and that there was definitely something significantly wrong even if the CT scans were normal.
The old tapes play so loudly sometimes, and are so persistent, that it does not surprise me that those things are coming back up now. Hopefully, there is some positive sense of self-awareness (even if not actual comfort) in understanding what is happening.
Lora
The old tapes play so loudly sometimes, and are so persistent, that it does not surprise me that those things are coming back up now. Hopefully, there is some positive sense of self-awareness (even if not actual comfort) in understanding what is happening.
Lora
14 years out; 190 pounds lost, 165 pound loss maintained
You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there.
FleurDeLis
on 4/17/12 2:18 pm
on 4/17/12 2:18 pm
You could be on to something. It is not unusual. This is why we have all these classes all over the place to relieve stress through relaxation. First thing they tell you to do is how to release tension in your muscles. It's the mind-body thing that they don't teach in medical school.
The problem is that if you have been stressed out for years you are so used to the physical pain you ignore it and then don't realize the two are connected. You just put it out of your mind. Or like me start binge eating for the stress.
There is a phrase for it--"Pain in the Neck." As in, that person/place/thing/situation is just a pain in the neck.
This is why a good pain management program will delve into the psychological issues. The pain causes issues which causes the pain. Maybe if you get to Cleveland you can get the relaxation CD they give to binge eaters as part of a support group.
Try stretching exercises too.
The problem is that if you have been stressed out for years you are so used to the physical pain you ignore it and then don't realize the two are connected. You just put it out of your mind. Or like me start binge eating for the stress.
There is a phrase for it--"Pain in the Neck." As in, that person/place/thing/situation is just a pain in the neck.
This is why a good pain management program will delve into the psychological issues. The pain causes issues which causes the pain. Maybe if you get to Cleveland you can get the relaxation CD they give to binge eaters as part of a support group.
Try stretching exercises too.
Kelly, your post makes perfect sense to me. I get it and am sorry that you have to deal with all that crap on top of the pain you are experiencing.
There are times I leave the doctors office (not RNY related) and feel just so... so... Enraged, sad, confused, pissed off.... Confused... For no "apparent" reason.
And all of that had nothing really to do with the ailment that brought me to the dr. I'm upset because I feel like that kid again that....
Hang in there! Insight is a good thing.
There are times I leave the doctors office (not RNY related) and feel just so... so... Enraged, sad, confused, pissed off.... Confused... For no "apparent" reason.
And all of that had nothing really to do with the ailment that brought me to the dr. I'm upset because I feel like that kid again that....
Hang in there! Insight is a good thing.
HW:317 SW:255 CW:147
This is so complicated. I have seen this way too often, and more often than not, the doctors are wrong. I have seen people struggle for years with symptoms the tests don't validate only to finally find one doctor who finally does listen, does something, tests something out of the ordinary and finds the solution to the problem.
I also believe that sometimes one single event of some sort when taken alone would be considered no big deal, but if it is laid on top of other issues that have been going on for some time, then the response is completely different but true for that individual. What I mean by that is something like this for example.... 1996 was the beginning of a very stressful time for me (thank God I did not know then it would last as long as it did/has). I have always had extremely good coping skills. However after one piled issue on top of another and hit my life from that time until now...my coping skills became depleted. I feel like I am just now building them again. So things that happened that would not have given me a second thought prior to 97 took enormous amounts of effort to cope during these past 12 years. I hope this makes sense.
So a doctor may look at a one test, like someone looking at one event in my life I'm struggling with and think "get a grip" it is not that bad, but when it is viewed in the context of all the other stuff that I have been dealing with, it is significant to me. So instead of a doctor telling me my "test" shows I should not be in that much pain, I have had significant others say my perceptions and responses are all wrong and my brain is scrambled in the way I am perceiving things. THAT is the biggest insult because they have no idea.
They need to figure out what will work for you.
I also believe that sometimes one single event of some sort when taken alone would be considered no big deal, but if it is laid on top of other issues that have been going on for some time, then the response is completely different but true for that individual. What I mean by that is something like this for example.... 1996 was the beginning of a very stressful time for me (thank God I did not know then it would last as long as it did/has). I have always had extremely good coping skills. However after one piled issue on top of another and hit my life from that time until now...my coping skills became depleted. I feel like I am just now building them again. So things that happened that would not have given me a second thought prior to 97 took enormous amounts of effort to cope during these past 12 years. I hope this makes sense.
So a doctor may look at a one test, like someone looking at one event in my life I'm struggling with and think "get a grip" it is not that bad, but when it is viewed in the context of all the other stuff that I have been dealing with, it is significant to me. So instead of a doctor telling me my "test" shows I should not be in that much pain, I have had significant others say my perceptions and responses are all wrong and my brain is scrambled in the way I am perceiving things. THAT is the biggest insult because they have no idea.
They need to figure out what will work for you.
First, I'm very sorry for your pain and emotional suffering.
Several times I have left a doctors office with my head spinning, my heart broken, expecting help and getting none. I have learned over the years doctors have "standard of care" for each condition and it's hard to find one that will stray from that standard. My guess is treating degenerative disc disorder is with an NSAID regimine. Since that is out of the question for you, unfortunately, he had nothing else for you, or he would be stepping out of the standard of care.
It's not your fault, but it does leave you to be the one suffering.
Several times I have left a doctors office with my head spinning, my heart broken, expecting help and getting none. I have learned over the years doctors have "standard of care" for each condition and it's hard to find one that will stray from that standard. My guess is treating degenerative disc disorder is with an NSAID regimine. Since that is out of the question for you, unfortunately, he had nothing else for you, or he would be stepping out of the standard of care.
It's not your fault, but it does leave you to be the one suffering.
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