Sunday Poll (yes, I know...I been polling a lot!)

 I'm in the early stages of this, but I've learned that there is still a lot of work to be done, mentally. I thought I had other areas of my life figured out, but I'm realizing that it's not 100% yet. Heck, it's not even 75%. I'm ok with it, though. Before, I would get worked up for no good reason. Now, I'm trying to pay more attention to my thoughts, actions and feelings. 

 I'm still in the pre-approval stage (one more month to go-God willing !)I've learned my weight has made me a "patsy". I mean for years I've done things for other people because I wanted them to like me and not judge me for my weight. My DH is Mexican and has 7 sisters--all of whom are BEAUTIFUL skinny ladies-- my husband is gorgeous (think Caesar Romero) and for years I have been the only "gringa" in the family. One of my hobbies is furniture refinishing--I can not tell you how many pieces I have refurnished for my in laws and mostly with me furnishing the supplies and labor for nothing ! I think somewhere in the back of my mind I never said no to anything because I wanted them to view me as a nice person--not just the fat white girl their brother married Also, for the last 40 years at Christmas I've made hundreds of dozens of cookies, quick breads  and candies  and have given them to the in laws and their families. It seems I'm the only person in the family that does holiday baking. Instead of just accepting this for the gift it was suppose to be--they have now come to expect it every year and have even started placing "orders". From reading different post on this forum I come to accept that I don't have to be a doormat and I have value as a person. I don't have to be intimated by my sisters in law because of my size. I AM a nice person and if they don't believe that while I'm heavy I'm NOT going to continue beating  my brains out trying to please them after I have surgery and lose the weight. PS. If they don't believe me I'll sic the forum members on them-LOL.

1) That, yes, I can live and thrive on way less food than I ever thought.

2) That I would miss excercise (I haven't been able to go to the gym since December - I do walk-when my hernias made trouble for me, have been recovering from hernia/tummy tuck surgery and its complications-wound VAC because of necrosis that caused 2 open wounds that wouldn't heal).

3) How easy it can be slip back into old habits-I have been home way too long with not enough to keep me physically busy and mentally and socially stimulated.

I know that is three, but it's where I am at the moment. 

Although I have my downer days...it took this experience (and a therapist) to realize I'm a strong woman.

I survived sexual, physical and mental abuse.
It took 30 years of faceplants, I've been clean and sober for several years.
Fat does not define me.
Skinny does not define me.
I kind of dig compliments.
"Thank you" is very hard to say.
"I need help" is just as hard to say.
"Family" for me doesn't involve blood lines.

I know it sounds crazy but I learned that I never really took care of myself- at ALL. I am a nurse by profession but I am a stay at home mom to two beautiful kids, 10&7..( I am also in school to further my nursing career)  I was always so busy tracking them everywhere that I never took into account what I put in my mouth and that YES I am worth something.  Sad it has taken 33 years and RNY for me to love myself as much as I love my family.

First, how much I was living life on the sidelines watching my family and friends enjoy life. Now that the weight is gone, I can participate and live life to the fullest and I'm loving every minute of it.

Second, that I can be an athlete. I thought I hated exercise, but I love doing my half marathons and races and training with my friends, even if I'm just walking, and am actually training my friends to do them with me. And I've never had so much fun.

I have learned that I can do anything!! You just have to take the step. Have faith and jump.

That being said, "IT"  is still difficult and scary as hell. I do know that whatever it is, may hurt, but it wont kill me.

Ive also realized that after YEARS of giving up on diet and exercise...trying to remake myself....I have not given up I may never make it to goal, but Im not giving up or giving in.

IM STRONG and I can handle anything.

 I realized you can't quit this. You can quit weigh****chers or jenny craig or the latest grapefruit diet.
You can't quit this. Even if you regain every pound..you still will not be able to eat as much as you used to. You still will have to take vitamins (or suffer the consequences)
To me that it is really permanent was a revelation.
Deb T.

That kinda sucks too. I have regained and if I was eating some gargantuan amounts of crap food I could accept that. But my hand to the sky, yes I probably eat too large of portions but it's of healthy stuff!

So yeah, the permanence is both comforting and alarming at the same time.