Checking in

I wish I had something I could say... strangely, the most touching card I got upon my mother's passing had this sentiment on it: 

"May peace come, may time heal..."

For some reason that one sentiment stayed with me even though it's been four years now since she died. I think that was my lifeline because even though we knew she was dying, even though it was not unexpected, it was about a million times harder to live with than I would have ever expected. I'm still traveling through the emotions that come with losing her. Still working through my "child emotions" .... For whatever reason, this year I'm mad at my mom. I don't think there's any rhyme or reason to it. I found it almost impossibly devastating when I lost her. Then I went through a year or so of really having lovely memories of all her good sides, and she sure had many of them. Often I would catch myself in a store, looking at some item displaying things you can buy, and I'd have a memory, and it would sweep me into tears.... the things I could no longer share with her, the conversations we would never have..... so difficult

But for whatever reason, this last five or six months, I've been working through my negative thoughts.... rooting them out of my heart and mind, and working through the negative emotions, because there were plenty of those as well as the good emotions too.

Overall though it's an oddyssey .... a lifetime journey of living without. in some ways I embrace every part of the journey. Mum is gone, but she is still with me in my heart, both her good and her bad sides, and I find that i don't put her on a pedastal, nor trash her memory. In a way, she's as with me now as when she was alive. She just can't answer the unanswered questions in my heart... which is why some of my unmet anger from when she is alive is harder to get through. I can't ask WHY.....

I don't know if any of this helps or not.

"May peace come, may time heal..."

Nik I am so sorry for your loss. I can tell you from losing my grandson who was 4 months old that there will be times you can't breathe.. and there will be times you laugh until you cry. They are normal and they are real and let them happen. Allow  yourself to work through the stages. The holidays and birthdays are the worst after we lose someone we love. I didn't even want to put up my tree that first Christmas, so my kids put it up for me and I am glad they did for their Christmas to seem more "normal". There is nothing normal about this birthday and it's okay if you have to excuse yourself and go cry in the bathroom. Your little diva will understand. And don't feel guilty if you catch yourself smiling and laughing.. that is  your mother giving you strength.

I pray that God gives you strength for the birthday and for every "first" without her over the next year and for all the years to come when you need your mom. Remember that she is watching over you and when  you feel that light breeze out of nowhere it is her letting you know she is there for each of those moments.

God Bless you

I love music and it is through music I both mourn and celebrate.  These are two of my favorite songs.  I hope they comfort you as they comfort me.

This one was sung at my Mom's funeral.  I had not heard it before then.  It is called
"on Eagle's Wings"

You who dwell in the shelter of the Lord,
Who abide in His shadow for life,
Say to the Lord, "My Refuge,
My Rock in Whom I trust."

And He will raise you up on eagle's wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.
The snare of the fowler will never capture you,
And famine will bring you no fear;
Under His Wings your refuge,
His faithfulness your shield

The Second one is a Kirk Franklin song based on the old hymn"his eye is on the sparrow".    I was less than a mile away when the Federal Building was bombed in Oklahoma City back in '95.  This was sung at one of the memorials.  This one has bitter sweet feelings for me.  I can't listen to it without breaking down, but I love the words. We have no reason to be discouraged.  Think of your mom crossing the River Jordan and being greeted by Jesus with open arms saying "Welcome home my child, come join the celebration"

"Why We Sing"

Someone asked the question
Why do we sing?
When we lift our hands to Jesus
What do we really mean?

Someone may be wondering
When we sing our song
At times we maybe crying.
And nothings even wrong

I sing because I'm happy
I sing because I'm free
His eye is on the sparrow
That's the reason why I sing

Glory
Hallelujah
You're the reason why I sing

Glory
Hallelujah
I give the praises to You

Glory
Hallelujah
You're the reason why I sing

And when the song is over
We've all said
Amen
In your heart just keep on singing
And the song will never end

And if somebody asks you
Was it just a show
Lift your hands and be a witness
And tell the whole world
No

And when we cross that river
To study war no more
We will sing our songs to Jesus
The one that we adore


 

 I wish I had more wisdom to share, but I don't. I did want to tell you I am so sorry for your loss and you and your family are in my thoughts. 

Hello Nik.. You are a strong person going through all of this. I know how hard the "sudden" passing is. You are so lucky to have the divas to help keep you in check and to keep your mind right.I don't have anything inspirational to say, and I know the feeling when people keep saying the same things (They always mean well but sometimes words only upset us more) So all I am going to say is that I am praying for your family (I know, another played out one, but I really mean it, and will pray).

When my Nana passed away in 2009 I had the hardest time with it and still haven't recovered from it. Losing someone so close to us is the hardest thing. I do recommend checking out the 7 stages of grief www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html it really helped me get through the hardest times while mourning. I hope this helps, even if only a little.

I know quotes are cold comfort in times like these. But this is a bit from the Talmud (an interpretation of the Torah) that always bring me comfort hen I think about the inevitability of my dear ones passing.

“There are stars whose light only reaches the earth long after they have fallen apart. There are people whose remembrance gives light in this world, long after they have passed away. This light shines in our darkest nights on the road we must follow.Â" - The Talmud

You could not mourn your mother's death if she and her life weren't worthy of cherish and celebration.

So while grieving, try to also remember that we only grieve those who left a memorable, wonderful footprint on our lives. And because you had a mother worthy of those things, you have, in turn, become a mother who will raise her girls to be women worthy of honor.

And THAT is what you're celebrating--the life of a fabulous woman whose footprint carries on in you and your little ones.

 Nik, my heart cries for you and I hope the pain of this journey lessens every day... No words can truly alleviate grief or match what you feel, so my advice is this: treat yourself gently. Whatever you feel, in every moment, is normal, right, and necessary. You and your girls are in everyone's thoughts & prayers.... 

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face;
the rains fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again,
may God hold you in the palm of His hand.

traditional gaelic blessing

I've been thinking about you and your daughters the last few days, so thank you for updating us.  Know that my prayers are with you and your family during this time.  I have a few quotes for you...I hope they help.


John 14:1-4 “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going."

Lamentations 3:22-26; 31-32
For the Lord does not abandon anyone forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion according to the greatness of his unfailing love."

Isaiah 41:10, 13 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand … For I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you."

“They that love beyond the world cannot be separated by it. Death cannot kill what never dies." ~ Williams Penn

Nik:

I am so sorry for your loss.  I have buried my dad, mom and a very beloved sister.  The pain will pass and you will remember them with smiles and when they made you laugh.  We read this poem at my sister funeral.

Things Don't Just Happen

by Esther L. Fields (before 1944)

Things don't just happen to us who love God;
They're planned by His own dear hand.
Then molded and shaped, and timed by His clock.
Things don't just happen; they're planned.

We don't just guess on the issues of life,
We Christians just rest in our Lord.
We are directed by His sovereign will
In the light of His holy word.

We who love Jesus are walking by faith,
Not seeing one step that's ahead,
Not doubting one moment what our lot might be,
But looking to Jesus instead.

We praise our dear Saviour for loving us so,
For planning each care of our life,
Then giving us faith to trust Him for all,
The blessings as well as the strife.

Things don't just happen to us who love God,
To us who have taken our stand.
No matter the lot, the course, or the price,
Things don't just happen; they're planned.

From a 1944 tract titled "Things Don't Just Happen."

Not doubting one moment what our lot might be,
But looking to Jesus instead.

We praise our dear Saviour for loving us so,
For planning each care of our life,
Then giving us faith to trust Him for all,
The blessings as well as the strife.

Things don't just happen to us who love God,
To us who have taken our stand.
No matter the lot, the course, or the price,
Things don't just happen; they're planned.

From a 1944 tract titled "Things Don't Just Happen."

Things Don't Just Happen

by Esther L. Fields (before 1944)

Things don't just happen to us who love God;
They're planned by His own dear hand.
Then molded and shaped, and timed by His clock.
Things don't just happen; they're planned.

We don't just guess on the issues of life,
We Christians just rest in our Lord.
We are directed by His sovereign will
In the light of His holy word.

We who love Jesus are walking by faith,
Not seeing one step that's ahead,
Not doubting one moment what our lot might be,
But looking to Jesus instead.

We praise our dear Saviour for loving us so,
For planning each care of our life,
Then giving us faith to trust Him for all,
The blessings as well as the strife.

Things don't just happen to us who love God,
To us who have taken our stand.
No matter the lot, the course, or the price,
Things don't just happen; they're planned.

From a 1944 tract titled "Things Don't Just Happen."

Things Don't Just Happen

by Esther L. Fields (before 1944)

Things don't just happen to us who love God;
They're planned by His own dear hand.
Then molded and shaped, and timed by His clock.
Things don't just happen; they're planned.

We don't just guess on the issues of life,
We Christians just rest in our Lord.
We are directed by His sovereign will
In the light of His holy word.

We who love Jesus are walking by faith,
Not seeing one step that's ahead,
Not doubting one moment what our lot might be,
But looking to Jesus instead.

We praise our dear Saviour for loving us so,
For planning each care of our life,
Then giving us faith to trust Him for all,
The blessings as well as the strife.

Things don't just happen to us who love God,
To us who have taken our stand.
No matter the lot, the course, or the price,
Things don't just happen; they're planned.

From a 1944 tract titled "Things Don't Just Happen."

Things Don't Just Happen

by Esther L. Fields (before 1944)

Things don't just happen to us who love God;
They're planned by His own dear hand.
Then molded and shaped, and timed by His clock.
Things don't just happen; they're planned.

We don't just guess on the issues of life,
We Christians just rest in our Lord.
We are directed by His sovereign will
In the light of His holy word.

We who love Jesus are walking by faith,
Not seeing one step that's ahead,
Not doubting one moment what our lot might be,
But looking to Jesus instead.

We praise our dear Saviour for loving us so,
For planning each care of our life,
Then giving us faith to trust Him for all,
The blessings as well as the strife.

Things don't just happen to us who love God,
To us who have taken our stand.
No matter the lot, the course, or the price,
Things don't just happen; they're planned.

From a 1944 tract titled "Things Don't Just Happen."

Things Don't Just Happen

by Esther L. Fields (before 1944)

Things don't just happen to us who love God;
They're planned by His own dear hand.
Then molded and shaped, and timed by His clock.
Things don't just happen; they're planned.

We don't just guess on the issues of life,
We Christians just rest in our Lord.
We are directed by His sovereign will
In the light of His holy word.

We who love Jesus are walking by faith,
Not seeing one step that's ahead,
Not doubting one moment what our lot might be,
But looking to Jesus instead.

We praise our dear Saviour for loving us so,
For planning each care of our life,
Then giving us faith to trust Him for all,
The blessings as well as the strife.

Things don't just happen to us who love God,
To us who have taken our stand.
No matter the lot, the course, or the price,
Things don't just happen; they're planned.

From a 1944 tract titled "Things Don't Just Happen."

Things Don't Just Happen

by Esther L. Fields (before 1944)

Things don't just happen to us who love God;
They're planned by His own dear hand.
Then molded and shaped, and timed by His clock.
Things don't just happen; they're planned.

We don't just guess on the issues of life,
We Christians just rest in our Lord.
We are directed by His sovereign will
In the light of His holy word.

We who love Jesus are walking by faith,
Not seeing one step that's ahead,
Not doubting one moment what our lot might be,
But looking to Jesus instead.

We praise our dear Saviour for loving us so,
For planning each care of our life,
Then giving us faith to trust Him for all,
The blessings as well as the strife.

Things don't just happen to us who love God,
To us who have taken our stand.
No matter the lot, the course, or the price,
Things don't just happen; they're planned.

From a 1944 tract titled "Things Don't Just Happen."

 I lost my mother (and my Grandmother) in a similar way.  Abruptly and unexpectedly.  The thing that gnawed at me for years (and caused me a huge therapy bill) was guilt that maybe I could have done something to prevent it.  I felt like a bad daughter for not visiting her earlier in the day, even though I was working, and had no plans to visit her.

My best piece of advice is to remember that we all die alone.  No one else can do it for us.  It is as natural a part of life as being born, but the difference is that we are not alone when we are born.  We work hard to be born so that we can be separate.  When your mother (Grandmother) died, no part of you died.  Everything that was you survived her death.  You may not build new memories with her, but you will build new memories and cherish the ones that you already had.

My second best piece of advice is that no matter what your religious faith is, when people die, their struggles end.  My family has grown into a non-denominational spiritualism.  We don't practice religion, but we have had experiences that make us believe that there is life after death.  More than that, we believe that my two disabled nieces went to heaven completely cured of their disease.  My father went to heaven without diabetes and heart disease.  My mother... well, she is no longer worried about us.  

Even though we are all skeptics at heart, we feel our father watch over us. I've felt him hug me at various times.  And he gives me advice every so often.   We've felt my nieces tell us that things are wonderful in heaven.  My sister-in-law (who died of breast cancer) told my brother that she was there to greet my nieces.   

Even if these things didn't really happen, accept that you will feel the truth of what I've said.  It's a great gift to feel connected to someone after they've passed.