Checking in
Hi Everybody,
I wanted to post a note to say I am ok (relatively speaking). I consider you guys like family and one thing this whole experience has taught me is that I need to stay connected to family.
As Traci shared, my mom did pass away on Thursday evening. It was sudden and unexpected. We don't know the exact cause of death but after hearing the details I am convinced of two things: first, she probably died quickly; second, she did not "know" she was going to die or was dying (I don't think she was incapacitated and knowing that she was dying, that is). That last gives me a small measure of comfort.
So far as how I personally am doing, if you've ever lost a loved one I'm sure you'll understand what I am about to describe. One moment I am perfectly fine and rational and able to make clear decisions and speak on things and then the next I am reduced to a puddle on the floor.
One of the challenges for me is in bearing that phrase over and over again, "is there anything I can do to help?" I keep fighting the overwhelming urge to shout, "can you bring my mommy back, please???" But that would be rude. And my mother did not raise a rude girl!
My appetite had been nil. But not to worry. La Petite Diva has appointed herself the "make sure mom does not completely fall apart" police. She makes me eat something every few hours and take my vitamins and drink water.
Other than that, I am just trying to get through this funeral process. I hate funerals. But I love my mother more, so I am going to summon up everything within me to bury her in the fashion that she wanted (which I was blessed to know because her own death seemed to be a favorite conversation topic over the last two years in particular). She wanted us to "celebrate her home" and I will do that for her. There were so many things I could not or would not do for her in life, but I will do this.
If you are the praying type (or chicken swinging, whichever) one request: on top of everything that's going on tomorrow is my oldest daughter's 13th birthday. I want tomorrow to be about her. In time I feel like I will learn to simultaneously celebrate my daughter and my mother's lives together but for right now I feel like I'm trying to mourn death and celebrate life at the same time.
SO here's my request (the proverbial "what can I do to help?"): If you have any words of strength, affirmational quotes, seasoned advice from grandmothers long gone, ANYTHING that will help put me in the spirit of celebration for tomorrow, please post it. Don't feel like anything is inappropriate either. Sometimes raunchy humor is the best medicine.
Other than that, like I said, I am doing as ok as I can. This is hard, but as I so often quote from "the gospel according to Shari," we CAN do hard things.
Thank you once again my friends.
I wanted to post a note to say I am ok (relatively speaking). I consider you guys like family and one thing this whole experience has taught me is that I need to stay connected to family.
As Traci shared, my mom did pass away on Thursday evening. It was sudden and unexpected. We don't know the exact cause of death but after hearing the details I am convinced of two things: first, she probably died quickly; second, she did not "know" she was going to die or was dying (I don't think she was incapacitated and knowing that she was dying, that is). That last gives me a small measure of comfort.
So far as how I personally am doing, if you've ever lost a loved one I'm sure you'll understand what I am about to describe. One moment I am perfectly fine and rational and able to make clear decisions and speak on things and then the next I am reduced to a puddle on the floor.
One of the challenges for me is in bearing that phrase over and over again, "is there anything I can do to help?" I keep fighting the overwhelming urge to shout, "can you bring my mommy back, please???" But that would be rude. And my mother did not raise a rude girl!
My appetite had been nil. But not to worry. La Petite Diva has appointed herself the "make sure mom does not completely fall apart" police. She makes me eat something every few hours and take my vitamins and drink water.
Other than that, I am just trying to get through this funeral process. I hate funerals. But I love my mother more, so I am going to summon up everything within me to bury her in the fashion that she wanted (which I was blessed to know because her own death seemed to be a favorite conversation topic over the last two years in particular). She wanted us to "celebrate her home" and I will do that for her. There were so many things I could not or would not do for her in life, but I will do this.
If you are the praying type (or chicken swinging, whichever) one request: on top of everything that's going on tomorrow is my oldest daughter's 13th birthday. I want tomorrow to be about her. In time I feel like I will learn to simultaneously celebrate my daughter and my mother's lives together but for right now I feel like I'm trying to mourn death and celebrate life at the same time.
SO here's my request (the proverbial "what can I do to help?"): If you have any words of strength, affirmational quotes, seasoned advice from grandmothers long gone, ANYTHING that will help put me in the spirit of celebration for tomorrow, please post it. Don't feel like anything is inappropriate either. Sometimes raunchy humor is the best medicine.
Other than that, like I said, I am doing as ok as I can. This is hard, but as I so often quote from "the gospel according to Shari," we CAN do hard things.
Thank you once again my friends.
RNY Gastric Bypass 1-8-08 350/327/200 (HW/SW/CW). I spend most of my time playing with my food over at Bariatric Foodie - check me out!
I'm glad to hear from you, Nik. You've been on my mind very much.
I'm sure there's nothing anyone can do that would help as much as bringing your mommy back. I'm sorry no one can do that for you.
I'll tell you what I learned about grief when I used to work for a hospice. I don't know if this will make sense or not, but it's the best way I know how to explain it. The more you hold on to it, the more it hurts. It's like you're creating resistance or something. If you let yourself feel the feelings but don't try to hold on tight to them, they'll flow. And if you can let it flow, sure, you'll still be sad, but you'll also have space for the good memories.
I'm sure there's nothing anyone can do that would help as much as bringing your mommy back. I'm sorry no one can do that for you.
I'll tell you what I learned about grief when I used to work for a hospice. I don't know if this will make sense or not, but it's the best way I know how to explain it. The more you hold on to it, the more it hurts. It's like you're creating resistance or something. If you let yourself feel the feelings but don't try to hold on tight to them, they'll flow. And if you can let it flow, sure, you'll still be sad, but you'll also have space for the good memories.
Kelly
Please note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. If you want medical advice, talk to your doctor. Whatever I post, there is probably some surgeon or other health care provider somewhere that disagrees with me. If you want to know what your surgeon thinks, then ask him or her. Check out my blog.
Glad you are staying connected. I am also glad to hear that the little one is making sure you take care of yourself. While the is nothing we can do to bring your mom back or take away the pain, we love you and are here if you need us.
Hugs...
Lora
Hugs...
Lora
14 years out; 190 pounds lost, 165 pound loss maintained
You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there.
So sorry to hear about your mom. Here's a poem I have always like when I've had a loss.
Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there;
I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow, I am the diamond glints on snow, I am the sun on ripened grain, I am the gentle autumn rain. When you awaken in the morning's hush I am the swift uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circling flight. I am the soft star-shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry, I am not there; I did not die.
Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there;
I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow, I am the diamond glints on snow, I am the sun on ripened grain, I am the gentle autumn rain. When you awaken in the morning's hush I am the swift uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circling flight. I am the soft star-shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry, I am not there; I did not die.
RNY 5/22/12 27.5.bs lost pre-op
Nik, I also wanted to leave you one of my favorite poems, which I read at my grandmother's funeral. My grandmother, in many ways, was more motherly to me than my own mother. This poem brought me a lot of comfort and it still does, really. Sometimes when I miss my grandmother, I just recite the poem for her.
Up-Hill, by Christina Rossetti
Will the road wind up-hill all the way?
Yes, to the very end.
Will the day's journey take the whole long day?
From morn to night, my friend.
But will there for the night be a resting-place?
A roof for when the slow dark hours begin.
May not the darkness hide it from my face?
You cannot miss that inn.
Shall I meet other wayfarers at night?
Those who have gone before.
Must I knock, or call when just in sight?
They will not leave you standing at that door.
Shall I find comfort, travel-sore and weak?
Of labor you shall find the sum.
Will there be beds for me and all who seek?
Yea, beds for all who come.
Kelly
Please note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. If you want medical advice, talk to your doctor. Whatever I post, there is probably some surgeon or other health care provider somewhere that disagrees with me. If you want to know what your surgeon thinks, then ask him or her. Check out my blog.
Hey Nik girlie I am so sorry for your lost!! I can't sit here and say I know how you feel but I don't, because I still have my mother here with me, but I did loose my baby brother in 2010. He was shot and killed ( he was at the wrong place and time) I felt like my whole world was coming to a end!! I think I had suffered from a little of PTSD, even though I was not there when he got shot I still kept picturing in my mind how that evil man was standing over top of him just shooting and if my brother was pleading for his life,I kept having visions of when we saw him laying in the hospital bed in shock trauma dead, and I kept seeing the pain on my mothers face when they told her that it was nothing else they could do! That is when I really strated eating and drinking like a fish! I picked up weight like crazy, and that is when I decided to have wls. My little brother was very obese and it was very hard to bury him do to his size. I am my mother's only daughter and her only responsible child! So I really know how you feel with funeral arrangements it is very hard! My emotions was all over the place I would cry, laugh, act like I got this, and then become frustrated and edgy! To tell you the truth I can not believe that I am here today! Me and my little brother was only 3 1/2 yrs apart and we were very very close I was the type of sissy who gave his wife and all of his GF's hell! lol! Derrick is his name ( he was only 33 at the time of his death) was the life of the party he can make you laugh until you pee your self!! lol! I am praying that you get threw this tragedy. Nik it will get better everyday trust me!
HW:338 SW:316 CW:203 GW:190 MY HT IS 5"11"
" If you are the praying type (or chicken swinging, whichever) one request: on top of everything that's going on tomorrow is my oldest daughter's 13th birthday. I want tomorrow to be about her. In time I feel like I will learn to simultaneously celebrate my daughter and my mother's lives together but for right now I feel like I'm trying to mourn death and celebrate life at the same time.
SO here's my request (the proverbial "what can I do to help?"): If you have any words of strength, affirmational quotes, seasoned advice from grandmothers long gone, ANYTHING that will help put me in the spirit of celebration for tomorrow, please post it. Don't feel like anything is inappropriate either. Sometimes raunchy humor is the best medicine."
That made me think of my grandfather, who was more a father than anyone. He was 1st generation Dutchman and while kind and sweet never mixed his words. I learned his lessons well. He would say you can't polish a turd, and tomorrow is going to be a rough day to be your 13th birthday. All you can do is help her see by 14 and on that you celebrate life everyday and always remember those who passed on. 1985 seems like yesterday when I focus and remember the man that showed me how to be a man, a father and for the first time this year a grandfather myself.
SO here's my request (the proverbial "what can I do to help?"): If you have any words of strength, affirmational quotes, seasoned advice from grandmothers long gone, ANYTHING that will help put me in the spirit of celebration for tomorrow, please post it. Don't feel like anything is inappropriate either. Sometimes raunchy humor is the best medicine."
That made me think of my grandfather, who was more a father than anyone. He was 1st generation Dutchman and while kind and sweet never mixed his words. I learned his lessons well. He would say you can't polish a turd, and tomorrow is going to be a rough day to be your 13th birthday. All you can do is help her see by 14 and on that you celebrate life everyday and always remember those who passed on. 1985 seems like yesterday when I focus and remember the man that showed me how to be a man, a father and for the first time this year a grandfather myself.
Christopher
JFK's favorite scripture was Ecclesiastes 3: 1 - 8 I'm sure you know it. verses 1 and 2
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance; verse 4
--------------
The soul would have no rainbows if the eyes had no tears.
--------------
Time goes on - I tell it gay to those who suffer now-
They shall survive. There is a sun -
They don't believe it now-
Time Does Go On, Emily Dickinson
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There is a Father who is ready to comfort me. There is a Father who will hold me until I'm better, help me until I can live with the hurt, and who won't go to sleep when I'm afraid of waking up and seeing the dark. Ever. Max Lucado
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Before you know it, your appointed arrival time will come; you'll descend the ramp and enter the City.
You'll see faces that are waiting for you. You'll hear your name spoken by those who love you. And, maybe, just maybe - in the back, behind the crowds - The One who would rather die than live without you will remove his pierced hands from his heavenly robe and ......applaud.
Max Lucado
God bless you Nik. May he give you peace.
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance; verse 4
--------------
The soul would have no rainbows if the eyes had no tears.
--------------
Time goes on - I tell it gay to those who suffer now-
They shall survive. There is a sun -
They don't believe it now-
Time Does Go On, Emily Dickinson
-------------
There is a Father who is ready to comfort me. There is a Father who will hold me until I'm better, help me until I can live with the hurt, and who won't go to sleep when I'm afraid of waking up and seeing the dark. Ever. Max Lucado
-------------
Before you know it, your appointed arrival time will come; you'll descend the ramp and enter the City.
You'll see faces that are waiting for you. You'll hear your name spoken by those who love you. And, maybe, just maybe - in the back, behind the crowds - The One who would rather die than live without you will remove his pierced hands from his heavenly robe and ......applaud.
Max Lucado
God bless you Nik. May he give you peace.
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