The Good News (according to Nik)

(C'mon...I know you all miss my rambly posts these last few days. I know you do!)

So, I have been TINKERING with this idea everyone seems to have about me writing my thoughts on post-op life down into some sort of narrative (one might call it a book although I am not yet). So I got to thinking about how I would do this thing.

It's difficult for me because I always thought anything like that would need to be an account of my post-op life and I don't retain memories in a linear fashion (i.e. in order of time). As you may or may not have noticed, I organize my thoughts, thematically most of the time and the events in my life tend to fall under those themes.

So here's today's theme and I was quite pleased at this thought.

I was thinking about the successes and failures in my process and I realized that I still struggle with a great many of the same things I struggled with in the beginning. I still wake up thinking about food and go to bed thinking about it. I still can't be trusted in certain food situations and have to remain hyper-vigilant.

Now to some that might be a depressing thought. Some might say "well after four years I'd expect that would come naturally to you, Nik." Welp...it doesn't. And I don't think it ever will. BUT here is the good news, from my perspective.

Just because something doesn't come naturally to you doesn't mean you can't do it.

This may seem an oversimplified thought at first but think about it. I believe I posted some time back that I don't eat nearly as much as I am capable of eating. This is a prime example. Eating to satisfaction does NOT come naturally to me. I'm sure it doesn't come naturally to a great many of you either. In fact, it is in my nature to eat until I am absolutely INCAPABLE of eating anymore. But just because eating to satisfaction doesn't come naturally to me doesn't mean I can't do it.

In fact, my new digestive system is designed so that I CAN do it. But here's the rub: it's my choice. And making the choice to do the right thing does not come naturally to me either. But that STILL doesn't mean I can't do it. It simply means there is more work required to do it. And I do that work.

Why? Well these days I am happy to say it is MOSTLY because I find myself worth the effort. In the beginning it was because I figured I'd had surgery and it'd be really stupid NOT to try as hard as I can to make good on the promise I made to myself the day I went under that knife. But as time has worn on, I have come to like this person that I am and in defense, preservation and honor of her, I make about a cabillion choices each day, against my nature, to improve myself.

Am I perfect? Hell no! I am a work in progress and proud of it. But I just wanted to throw that encouragement out there. Whatever it is that is not in your nature - exercise, drinking water, taking a compliment graciously, being more extroverted or whatever you need to do to propel yourself toward the life you dream of - just because the steps along the way don't come naturally doesn't mean you can't do it. That...would be an excuse!

So work at it, don't give up and recognize that sometimes you are going to have to manually make yourself act like a healthy person, even if your mind hasn't caught up yet.

 LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE!!!!!

I think you've spoken the truth for a lot of us.  I too am OBSESSED with food and built to eat until I barf.   At this point in time I am controlling it.   I associate food with good times and bad times, and a big part of my enjoyment of holidays and social activities has been the food. 

I find if I have too much time on my hands, all I can think of is eating. There are SO many other things I could/should be doing, but the brain switches to FOOD.  I don't know why.  I've been in therapy for years and haven't uncovered anything to answer that question other than I love food and love to eat.  My therapist finally said, well, just use that as the reason.  The important thing is learning to relate to food in a healthier way.

I had my RNY repair on Jan. 21.  I have been VERY good - not a piece of bread, cracker, pretzel yet; no processed, white foods or bad carbs; no sugar at all.  In fact, I just had my first taste of fruit (6 grapes) last weekend.   I'm afraid to eat any of those trigger foods - afraid I'll be right back where I was.  I'm losing much slower than I thought I would - I'm lucky if I'm losing a pound a week, so I'm frustrated - I did better on WW!!   But maybe I'm not eating enough - still only about 500-600 calories a day, 70-80g protein - so my nut said to try to get in another 100 calories, switch things up a bit, and see if that makes a difference. 

I hate exercise, but I do love to dance, so I put on the music and dance around the house.   I don't do it for more than 15 minutes at a time, but I do it a few times a day...it all counts!    It doesn't feel like exercise but it is.  I also make sure I set reminders at work to get up every hour and walk up and down the stairs and around the building.  Those are the little changes I can make today.

So I agree with everything you said - I will not give up.  I will mess up at some point in time I know, but right now, I'm feeling strong.   This is too important to me and bottom line, I want to be at a healthy weight and feel better and yes, look better too. 

Thanks for the topic - it's a good thing for all of us to re-affirm!   WE CAN DO IT!!!

You took the words outta my mouth.

This week, I am the epitome of a bariatric failure (I guess a box of Nutty bars in my desk drawer counts towards that. )

But come next week and the weeks after, watch out!!!! I tend to do this type of behavior from time to time-- is it "right "? Probably not but I'm dealing with it. Every day is a new opportunity.

Meow

Ohhhh Sista! You speaketh the truth. Thank you for sharing. Karen

 Thanks for sharing this. I've been away from OH for awhile. I think I was just over being a WLSer. Does that make sense? As a result I didn't do a good job of caring for myself and got back into some old habits.
Starting with your February pledge I've re-committed to doing what I need to do to for myself. I remember that I am important enough to take care of myself. Today I needed to read this. I will be hanging around OH more too, even if I don't have anything brilliant to add.

What you said makes perfect sense (to me)!  I felt the exact same way.  But I came back, sometime around November, and have been taking much better care of myself since then.  For myself, I find it hard sometimes to maintain a balance between being a WLSer and being free to live/enjoy life.  For some reason, the WLS stuff becomes so all-consuming that it's all I think/care about, which leads to dissatisfaction with life and then just saying "To hell with it!"  and giving up.

I was also embarrassed and ashamed at myself for letting myself get as big as I did, and identifying myself as a WLS patient made all that shame hang around.  It was easier to just forget the past and try to be "normal", which led to horrible habits, deficiencies, and regain.  I've lost about 25 of the 35 lbs that I gained, and I feel so much better now. 

Awesome post, Nik! Thanks so much for that. I'm going to print it.

I had a nightmare that was on my mind last night about food. In my dream I tried eating peanut M & Ms and didn't dump from them. I wound up grabbing them by the handful and throwing them back and then I was suddenly at a buffet and I filled a plate with potatoes and fatty foods and I was fine and didn't dump. I remember feeling guilty and devious and mad at the same time. I woke up so relieved it was a dream! I live in fear of trying sugary or fatty foods and NOT dumping and realizing I can eat them. So eating well doesn't come naturally to me every day either!

Thanks for the insights!