Therapy stuff questions

For those of you that are therapists, what percent of the session would you say you spend talking and what percent of the session do your clients spend talking?

Or for those of you that are in therapy, what percent of the time do you talk and what percent of the time does your therapist talk?

Or, just, what ratio do you think seems about right?  I realize there will be times the therapist needs to talk a lot.  If a client just received a diagnosis of bipolar disorder and doesn't know what that is, or if the therapist is teaching the client to be more assertive and needs to explain the different between assertive and aggressive, or stuff like that, the therapist will need to talk more.

But in general, shouldn't the client talk more?

I was frustrated after my last therapy session because at the beginning of the session, I mentioned some things that were bothering me and my therapist spent the session focusing on other stuff that I didn't feel was very important.  My partner suggested I write her a letter and give it to her at the beginning of my next session, explaining how I felt about that and what I wanted to talk about.  So I did that and I saw her today.  She was receptive to what I said in the letter and apologized for getting off track last time.  She then spent an hour talking about the subject I'd mentioned wanting to talk about.

Only I had meant that I wanted to talk about that topic.  Not that I wanted to listen to her talk about it.

I took my partner with me to my appointment today for support.  I've done that three or four times.  After we left today, I asked him if he thought it was an exaggeration to say she talks 85-90% of the time.  He's more of a math person than me.  He said that seemed pretty accurate to him.

Now, I know all therapists and clients are different.  But really, shouldn't the client be talking at least as much as the therapist?  I would think it should be more like the client talking at least 75% of the time.

She talks so much, and kind of fast, and hardly stops to take a breath.  Most of the time I feel like I would have to actually interupt her mid-sentence to get a word in.

Plus she goes so fast, it makes me tired.  It almost makes my head spin.  If she says something I want to think about for a minute, I miss the next three things she has to say.

But mostly I sat there today wondering when it was going to be my turn to talk.

Yeah, I guess I need a new therapist.  I hate looking for a therapist.  I guess I need to add "how much of the session do you talk and how much time do you provide for your client to talk?" to my list of questions for potential therapists.

One of the most important qualities in a therapist should be their listening skills.  Sounds like you haven't found your therapeutic "match" with this one.  Keep looking.  If it's not helping you, it's not worth continuing.

Best of luck!

I think listening, on a therapist's part, is vital.
But sometimes I leave a session thinking, "Man, all I did was sit there and jabber for 45 minutes." I WANT feedback. I want to know if I'm being crazy or irrational. I want my therapist to interject sometimes and ask me questions or probe. Sometimes, I don't even know what the problem really IS until sge digs a little, asks questions, and brings it out. So that's important.

If she sits there listening the entire time without offering insight, then I tend to feel like the problems I'm having aren't really being worked on, I'm just venting to a second party.

Sometimes all I want to do is vent. And that's great. But most often, I'd really like it to be a two-way conversation.

I know what you're saying.  I don't want someone to just sit there and say nothing, either.  Feedback is good.  But I want to get to talk sometimes, too, and feedback might be more helpful if I got to say something first so it could actually be feedback on what I said instead of feedback on... whatever she's giving me feedback on.  And questions are good.  I want someone to help me figure things out.  I don't want someone to give me answers.  Partly because someone else doesn't have the answers.  I'd rather have someone help me find my own answers.

 Oh, I absolutely agree. And in your case, it definitely doesn't sound like a good fit.  I mean, how is she going to ever get to any issues if she doesn't even let you tell her what they ARE or what's on your mind?? She sounds like a strange character. 

 I do notice that I have a few clients that remark on how much they talk thru the session, which is interesting because I do feel like I'm a pretty directional therapist. So I guess my ratio would be 40/60 me/them. I've worked hard on tolerating silence, because some clients really need to have some impetus to work on communication/assertiveness/social anxiety, but sometimes I'll step up my "life coach" game to make the session more productive and have the client feeling like they're leaving my office with at least something to practice....
It is sounding like this therapist just isn't a great fit. May do in a pinch, but probably not someone to stick with in the long term. You've tried to address the issues with this therapist's style before, but sometimes you just gotta stop trying to put a square peg in a round hole. Have you found more "old school" therapists who specialize, perhaps, in psychoanalytical/psychodramatic or humanistic/existential modalities? You might find that's an intelectual way of asking a therapist if they talk too much in session.

Hey, who are you calling "old school"?!?   That better be different than just code for "old", LOL! 

Lora

 nonononononooooooo!!!!! Certainly no code implied there! 

You know, I realize different therapists have different styles for lots of reasons, but I'm wondering if some of it is really in the training?  I mean, I'm guessing psychologists are trained differently than social workers, right?  Or licensed professional clinical counselors, or whatever they are calling that now.  I think they changed the name a little, didn't they?

I've had therapists with different degrees before.  twice, I've seen psychologists.  Now that I think of it, they both talked less. And were really good at helping me talk.   That's kind of interesting.

And both were older.  Both have now retired.

I'm quite sure that some of it IS training and the shift from more traditional psychodynamic, person-centered approaches to the brief, solution-focused approaches(which simply don't work, BTW, with 99% of trauma victims... but are more compatible with insurance company limits on the number of sessions covered).  I would venture to guess that some of it is also experience (trial and error, if you will, about what helps various kinds of clients and what does not).  A couple of my grad school colleagues, however, were simply too self-absorbed (or otherwise clueless) or were temperamentally unsuited for a successful -- from the client's point of view! -- career in counseling.  Yet they received their degree and their license.  (A couple of them quit counseling after only 2 or 3 years (or less).  Some continue.)

It is sad, but true, that some counselors/psychologists are in the field because of the "power" it affords them, and they are far more likely to want to run the counseling session (and to offer more advice/solutions) than to let the client direct the session.

You know me well enough to know that I am definitely not shy about talking and offering opinions/suggestions... but in session, I take a very Rogerian approach for all but a handful of my clients (who need something different).

Lora