I'm not doing very well...

Everyone here probably already knows that I struggle with major depression.  I was diagnosed with depression when I was 17 but I think I've really had it nearly all my life.  At times in my life it's gotten a little better and at times a little worse, but it's never fully gone away.

For the last year now, it's been really bad.  A little over a year, actually.  I think it was last February when it got worse again and it hasn't really gotten much better since then.  There have been brief periods (like a week or so) when it's lifted a little, but not very much.  This is by far the longest episode of really severe depression I've ever had.  Normally it gets bad for a couple months, then gets a little better for at least a couple months.

I have tried just about everything to treat the depression.  I have been on more than 30 medications for it, in various doses and combinations.  I have been in therapy for years, both individual and group therapy.  I have done ECT.  I have tried herbal remedies, homeopathic remedies, aromatherapy, Bach flower remedies.  I have tried hypnosis, meditation, prayer, art therapy, massage therapy... um, probably some other stuff I'm forgetting right now.

Some things do help a little.  Just not enough.  It's kind of like, if you were in pain and rated your pain a level 10 and someone gave you some pain meds that reduced your pain level to an 8, that would be nice, an 8 is better than 10.  But that's still too much pain to live your life effectively, you know?

There are things I haven't tried, but I think I have tried everything that is really accessible to me and likely to be effective.  For instance, I haven't tried accupuncture, and I wouldn't be opposed to trying it, but I cannot afford it.  If there was a study that showed it was highly effective in treating the most treatment resistant cases of depression, I guess I'd try harder to come up with the cash, but if there is such a study, I haven't seen it.

I don't know what I'm looking for here.  I'm not expecting someone to give me some magic answer I haven't thought of.  Maybe I'm just tired of trying to look like everything's OK when I'm really not doing OK.

I'm sorry you're not doing well. I understand a little bit because I too struggle with severe depression. It is very difficult to live with.

I wish I had something other than empathy to give. I'll keep you in my thoughts and hope things get better for you soon.

I want to say something magnamious - but I am at a loss for words, and I know that's not what you're looking for here...still...

I'd give you a hug if you and I were in the same room (state). :)

 Depression is so exhausting.  No one who hasn't been there can truly get it, so it weighs hard on the people around us.  For me that creates a vicious cycle of guilt which adds to the fun depression.  I refer to it as a hazy film that covers everything for me, almost everyday.  Medication keeps me from hiding under my bed but it doesn't ever make that haze lift.  I always wonder if I am just aiming too high and that an 8 or 6 like you said is enough and I need to live with it.  I've tried most things myself and don't have any answers, maybe it helps knowing you're not alone in the struggle.  Reaching out to teens with depression as a volunteer seems to be helping right now, at least we can empathize and use this crap to help kids struggling.   Anyway, I hear your struggle.  If you find a cure let me know!

The guilt is immense, and of course just makes the depression worse... which leads to even more guilt.

I don't think an 8 or a 6 is enough.  I might need to live with it, that might be as good as it gets... but it's not enough.

I am so sorry. I used to struggle with manic depression, so I understand a bit of what you are going through. I wish I had some grand words for how it all passed, but I don't.

Have you thought about or tried light therapy? It's something that I am looking into my husband doing, but of course now that it's nice out we might wait until next year. His is more of a seasonal thing.

Have you looked into the benefits of raw foods? I know one person who started eating high raw (over 90%) and that helped her a LOT.

I'll be thinking of you and sending positive energy. Depression hurts and you don't deserve it.

I've read some stuff about a raw food diet but it's not something I've given a lot of thought to trying myself.  It's one of those things that sounds like it would be difficult for me to do.  How do you get 90 grams of protein on a raw food diet, for instance?  And where do you get the energy to pursue a very restrictive diet or any kind when you're almost too tired just to walk to the kitchen?  Still, it might seem worth the effort to me it there was some evidence that it was likely to be helpful.  That's why I made the effort to drive (well, have someone drive me) over an hour each way to ECT three times a week for several weeks and to pay my percentage of the cost (which I am still paying on a year later).  There was a good bit of data to show it does help many people with treatment resistant depression.  I haven't seen data like that for a raw food diet.

 The protein powder I now use is actually a raw protein powder.  

There isn't a lot of scientific data, studies, etc.  I just know that I belong to a lot of raw food/vegan communities and I hear a lot of their personal experiences.  I know it's not the same as scientific data.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this.

Sometimes you just need to say stuff out loud.

I'm so sorry you are struggling and I honestly wish I could make it better. You do so much for us every day.

I'd sing you a song, but that would probably make things worse (or it could give you the best belly laugh ever, who knows?). So please accept my virtual hug, understanding and offer of an ear if you ever need to talk.

I don't have a solution, but many members of my family have suffered from depression and I know how debilitating it can be.  I will pray that things get better for you soon, my friend.