I'm not doing very well...

There are not many meds left that I haven't tried.  I am hesitant to try something else because I've had a lot of problems with side effects from different meds and because at this point I kind of feel like, if the other 30 drugs didn't help, how likely is it that the 31st will?  I'm sure my doctor and I will talk about the possibility of changing something at my next visit, though.

And yeah, I am still in therapy.  I'm sort of happy with my current therapist.  I guess I feel like she's not the best therapist I've ever had - he retired - but she's OK.  I'm somewhat limited in my choice of therapists due to my insurance and living in a small town.

 I really don't have any suggestions..I just wanted to say that I hope you get help in whatever way will benefit you. I said some prayers for you earlier..and will do so again. Thanks for all of your help..

 Yeah I know I'd be hesitant to try something new too after so many or even something I tried awhile ago but it's definitely worth discussing with your doctor. That's good that you're in therapy even if it's not the best therapist :-).

 hi kelly, im so sorry youre in the "dark place" right now.  i  understand, as much as a fellow depressed person can. i was diagnosed as manic depressed and then chronic depressed, and panic/anxiety, for many years, since i was 13.i was refered to a mood disorders day clinic and that only served to throughlly freak me out! a few years ago i had an episode and my hubby took me to emerg at a local hospital. they refered me to a new psychiatrist. he finally reviewed everything and diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder, with depression and anxiety. bpd is treated differently than depression. im on 2 anti depressants, celexa and wellbutrin, and an anti pyschotic called zeldox. it has changed my life. im stable and enjoying life alot more. theres still only so much i can handle, but little by little ive improved. 
my thoughs for you is i wonder if you to have been misdiagnosed? does the depression diagnosis really seem to fit you? maybe you could look into other possibilites and do some self diagnosis. if bpd is something you feel may fit you, feel free to message me and we can chat or i can recommend some good books on the subject. aside from that, i to am on disability so im home full time, any time you want to chat ive got an ear for you.
take care of you, 
do something extra special for yourself tonight,
hugs!
niki

I've been diagnosed with a bunch of different things over the years, but currently have three diagnoses, all of which I think are correct: major depression, severe, recurrent; PTSD; and dissociative identity disorder.

" Maybe I'm just tired of trying to look like everything's OK when I'm really not doing OK."

Yeah, I hear you.  I feel that way a lot, more because of my PTSD than the accompanying depression.  Pretending is emotionally and psychologically exhausting (and, for me, losing that one place where I have not had to pretend for the past 7 years (when my therapist retired) has been really hard).

I don't really have anything very useful to say except that I understand and I'm really sorry you're still struggling.

Lora

Kelly,

I can't begin to understand, but I send you love and hugs. I hope someday soon you find something to help.

Jan

I found one study that showed improvement in major depression when acupuncture was used in conjunction with medication, but you're right, there's not a lot.
http://www.cebp.nl/media/m1091.pdf

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, and that you have been for so long. You don't have to say what it is, if there is anything, but is there a specific point or trauma in your life that may have caused all this? Or is it just a congenital imbalance?

Either way, depression is nothing to take lightly, and it sounds like you've been really battling for some time. I really hope you can find a way to get some relief.

I suspect it's a combination or childhood trauma and something organic or biochemical.  Now, whether I was born with the organic/biochemical part or if that occurred as a result of the abuse, I don't know.  There is evidence that the physical structure of the brain changes in children that experience severe ongoing abuse, and I don't mean changing due to head injury or something like that. 

Kelly, I wish I could give you advice, or a magic pill, like you said, or the "answer" that would help. I do want you to know that you, and your opinions, matter to me a lot. I was away most of the last year, but EVERY time I popped back on, even if I didn't post, I looked for posts either started by you, or responded to by you, and read them. More times than I should say, I realized that you have a gift that I don't have. You're always patient and caring, and your support of others on this site has always been steadfast. I truly admire you, and know that you make a difference to so many people. Thank YOU for all the support you've given me over the years.

Knowing you, and a select few others has given me a far greater understanding of depression as a disease. Too often it is considered, like obesity, to be some sort of moral failing, and I've learned through your example and others, that it really is a disease and nothing to do with the quality of your character.

Good luck in your search for something to give you surcease.