OT - Approaching a sensitive subject (advice needed)

 So my mom. Love her. Drives me nuts, but I love her. 

Long story short: she's diabetic and has neuropathy in both legs, does not walk well, does not want an assistive chair. 

So...we make plans (me and the girls) to do things sometimes and my mom is like "I wanna come!" and immediately I feel sort of burdened. I used to feel bad about that and I still do but less so. The kids are rambunctious. I am too. Sometimes my mom insists on going places she knows will be physically taxing without some sort of help...but then refuses said help (i.e. took her to Super Wal-Mart and she refused to go in one of the electronic scooter things then proceeded to fall out - literally - when her legs began to hurt).

Ok, I get that this is a hard process for you. But in order to help you, you have to help yourself! (This is what I've said in the past). So she asked about going to this big health expo with us this weekend. I REALLY look forward to this thing. I love to walk around and speak to the vendors and ask questions and snap pics for the blog. 

If she goes I can predict what will happen. She'll walk a tiny bit, insist on sitting down, make friends with everyone who walks around her and then insist on leaving early.

So...how do I say "no, I don't want you to go with me." (The divas told her we were going otherwise I would NOT have mentioned it). And moreover is there a KIND way to say "if you want to be more mobile it's time to start exploring some options for a device to help you get around."

She's proud and I get that. I respect her stubborness a little bit. But it really is time. And I don't want to be mean (as irritated as I sound here it's just because I am venting but I really want to be respectful about this).

Any advice?

Just be honest with her, and tell her exactly what your concerns are, and explain to her that's why you don't want her to go. That's really all you can do to try and make her understand.

Maybe it will help her to consider the scooter or other device to help her be more mobile. While you're at it, while you're talking about the mobility part of it, you could tell her all the things she will be able to do if she had some sort of device to help her get around.

HTH!
 

 Hi Nik,

Sounds like the proverbially "rock and a hard place."  My Mom suffers from fibromyalgia and it is painful to watch her struggle. I so understand where you are coming from.  I think you may have to tell her that if she wants to continue to join you for outings (and reinforce that you would really love for her to continue to do that), she's going to have to consider alternative ways to get around.  Tell her it's hard to slow the kids down to accomodate her (they are children after all) and that you worry that she'll take a bad spill and really hurt herself.  I think there is a loving way to approach this.  I think you should acknowledge that you understand how hard it is for her to give up a bit of her independence. That will mean a lot to her.  

Hi Nik,
   I would like to start by saying I understand exactly how you feel as bad as it may seem. Back at the begining of the summer my mothers mobility was limited and we went to Walmart and Levines to get some clothes for my girls for school. The trip was very torturous and my mom even used a mobile cart at Walmart but that did not help the situation too much. Now all I have is a reciept in my purse to help me remember my trip with my mother as that was our last one together.  :( She died from respiratory failure related to a liver disease in August.  I say this all to say you never know what you wish you had until it's gone. I would take that same trip today with all the frustration and struggle in a heartbeat if I could. If I were you I would just  tell your mom what time you plan to leave the program and what you will be doing while you are there then offer her some form of encouragement to obtain a scooter or walker. I will pray you make the right decision for the both of you.

So Nik, I hear you. My mom has a lot of health problems and also has limited mobility, which not only frustrates her but me as well and makes it hard for things to be enjoyable.

I agree with everyone else. There is definitely a loving way to say this. And bless you for being respectful to your mama.

Maybe something like this: Mom, I love you and enjoy your company. I worry for you when we go out because I see how hard it is for you to be mobile with the pain you have.  I worry that you might hurt yourself.  It's time for us to use an electric scooter or wheelchair. We can't continue to compromise your health and safety--they're just too important. And with using one of these, you will be able to enjoy so many more things. I want you to be around and enjoying stuff for a long time, so let's see what we can do to get you one.

My own mom will now finally let me push her around in a wheelchair--not because of my eloquence, but because her pain finally got the better of her.

Good luck, Nik. I know this is hard stuff ((hugs))

I can think of a couple ways you might address it.

For this particular event, you could just tell her you wanted to make it a special day just for you and the girls.  But that doesn't really solve the problem in the long run.

You could tell her you enjoy her company and would like her to come with you, but because you're worried about the risk of her falling, you can only agree to take her along if she agrees to use a scooter.  If she says no, then you tell her you'll miss having her along and that you and the girls will spend time with next weekend or whenever at her home.

Could you tell her that she is welcome, but she must realize that you will be there at least  ____ hours, at the minimum, and that if she got tired, would she be willing to wait for you, alone on a bench?  

As for the big picture conversation, that might be best to have when it won't be perceived by either party that the conversation is a result of "selfish" motives (ie-you don't want to feel guilty that you are bringing it up because you want to enjoy yourself and your mom won't feel guilty for holding you back from things you enjoy). 

Me:
My mom's aging, too. She can barely walk with arm crutches or a walker, so she's s-l-o-w. Won't wear her hearing device, so she doesn't hear much. Looks down at the ground so she won't fall, so she misses 80% of what's around her. It's irritating. The hearing loss and not-seeing-things make her oblivious to the point that I feel resentful, grumbling (silently) that it's like having a three-year-old, but one that isn't improving with the years.

Mean.

I'll be sorry.

I love to go places with her, though. We are best friends. She's not handling aging as well as I want her to--and that's her choice. It's tough, isn't it, to see a super-competent, capable, resourceful, strong woman weaken mentally and physically? And to know where it's all leading...

On the practical side, at least Mom uses a scooter when there is one. Then she leaves me in the dust! (We can't go to Costco together anymore because I'm hobbling around in pain, anxious to get the hell outta there, and Mom's cruising comfortably up and down every aisle.)

You:

Would it help your mother to feel more stylish, hip, and pretty when using a scooter? If she can have her own, and you guys can manage transporting the scooter, it could be decorated and personalized. Maybe a lovely hat, or motorcycle jacket, or pretty basket, or horn that plays a medley of La Cucaracha, Stop In the Name of Love, Toccata and Fugue in D Minor, and The Little Old Lady From Pasadena...

Your mother is sociable, so anything that will draw people to her as the individual she is might make her accept a scooter more readily. Maybe she doesn't want to stand out from the crowd. Get you, the divas, and Mom matching jackets.

Or perhaps your mother is a lady of more subtle taste. There's got to be some way for her to maintain her integrity on a scooter or in a wheelchair. Millions of people do it.

Me again:

I try to remember that my mother has never been aged before. I've never had an elderly parent before, either. Neither of us are really very good at it.

I got nothing. Everyone already said what I would have said.

Nik, I do feel for you. I live a long way from my mother (on purpose), but the last time I saw her, she was so physically fragile, it scared me. And stubborn, although she does use a walker or a cane. But you mom may need a little bit of tough love to help her understand her limitations and some things you go to with the divas may not be the best times for her to go with you. You can plan other outings where she can be included where more focus can be on her. Maybe?

All the best!

Actually...

I won a week at a beach house in a job raffle, so I invited her to come along. I told her it can be a relaxing weekend for us and the girls. I also invited the girls paternal grandma who is my mom's current bff. They both have limitations so I think when we aren't all doing stuff together, they can hang out.

I am looking forward to it. It'll be a week.