OT: just need to vent about moms who are unsupportive

 I love my mom, of course, but... Grrrr.  She only lives 2 streets away from me, and I see her at least once a week and talk to her on the phone several times a week. We have traveled together both here and in Europe, so we get along well (for limited periods of time, anyway, LOL).  

She does not, however, understand anything about PTSD (and does not seem to want to learn).  She does not have a very high opinion of counseling and does not believe in taking medication except when absolutely necessary. 

As someone who has suffered from PTSD since a fatal (obviously not for ME) auto accident in 1998 and then a violent rape just a couple of years after that, I have taken various antidepressants and anxiolytics off and on for almost 15 years.  I currently take Lunesta on a sporadic basis when I have insomnia or am not sleeping well some weeks because of nightmares. I slept only 10 hours in THREE nights last week because of nightmares and a very difficult therapy session. I had to decline going over to see her last night because even though I took Lunesta Thurs night and slept well, I was still exhausted from the lack of sleep earlier.  She launched into a lengthy lecture on all the things I could do to get to sleep without having to take sleeping pills.  I tried to explain WHY I was having trouble sleeping, but she wasn't listening.  She just wanted to convince me that I shouldn't be taking  the Lunesta.  I know she loves me and has no idea how hurtful it is when she makes remarks about how I shouldn't still need counseling or drugs... but it DOES hurt... and I am weary of needing a little understanding from her (or at least NOT getting lectures... I am almost 50 yrs old, after all!) and not getting any.  She doesn't know any details at all about the rape, so she doesn't know how violent and sadistic they were, but she shouldn't HAVE to know.  It should be enough that I am still trying to  heal from it and that I am DOING things to make that happen... and that I am, generally, being very successfully -- FINSLLY -- at NOT using food to deal with it.

Ok, I am done complaining.  Thanks for "listening".

Lora

Wow. That is an extremely tough situation. What does your therapist say about it?
I am a psychology major and I know how serious PTSD can be, and I totally understand what you are going through and how extremely difficult things can be.
You should tell your mom to leave you alone, and not even comment if she doesn't want to take the time to really understand what you are going through. Tell her, in a nice respectful way, that if she can't take the time to understand, then don't bother taking the time to criticize you. HTH.

 My therapist recognizes, as I do, that my mom is simply not capable of providing any useful emotional support.  Even before these incidents, my mom was not especially emotionally supportive.  She and I are very different in temperament and emotionalism.  So I have had my whole life to work on accepting her limitations and trying to take advantage of the things that she CAN offer me.  As I mentioned previously, we have traveled together quite a bit (not as much recently because of her age starting to slow her down); she  is always the one who sits in the waiting room when I am having whatever surgery; she is the one who takes me to the ER when something happens (with the very notable exception of my last trip, when she just dropped me off); she sometimes helps take care of the dogs when I have to work late or need someone to care for them overnight.

I just wish I would make her understand that I am already critical enough of myself for it taking so long to work through and heal from those events, and the last thing I need is additional criticism from her.

Lora

From what you are saying, it looks like the only thing you can do is keep reminding yourself, when she starts criticizing, that she isn't capable of giving you what you need.

I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

Sorry you are dealing with this Lora... the reason this is so painful is because she IS your mother... and that is an area we WANT and NEED love and support. I have no advice to give on how to deal with her or change things..... I just wanted to say that I definitely understand and I am sorry!

 I understand what you're going through. My mom will never understand what I've been through in my life and I dont need her too.

 What I need for her is to support me and not belittle how I feel and tell me to just get over it and that I live in the past. And I also wish she would take some responsibility for her part in things. I, as a parent have , so I dont understand why she can't. I too suffer from ptsd and depression, so I know how you feel and my family is in desperate need of counseling, but that will never happen.

 So I focus on making myself better, but its really hard when you're surrounded by people who think less of you because of what you've been through. In my family they definitely blame the victim. Took me at long time and a whole lot of counseling to get to a point in my life where I feel better about myself. And anytime you need to vent..do it..its better then letting things build up inside....((hugs))

You're right, she shouldn't have to know all the details to understand that you're still deeply affected by what happened to you.  I don't know the details, but I gather it was a very violent assault, and I have no trouble seeing how that would affect someone for a very, very long time, if not forever.  Even a much less violent rape would affect someone deeply for a long time. 

I spend a fair amount of time and energy when I was younger trying to educate my mother about depression and PTSD.  She did not want to learn.  I printed out articles for her, all kinds of stuff.  She paid no attention.

I finally learned that she was never gonna get it when, about nine years ago, I was hospitalized in a hospital that specializes in the treatment of PTSD and other trauma related disorders.  After I got home from the hospital, I called my mother.  She said, "PTSD?  Why, did something happen?"  I said, "Um, yes, I was sexually abused as a child."  She said, "I know that but I thought maybe something happened."

I gave up after that.

 Yeah, most of the time I do fairly well with accepting her limitations, but yesterday it just really got to me.  Sorry that your mom doesn't get it, either, Kelly.

Lora

Maybe....She loves you and she doesn't want to think about the traumas you've been through, so if she pushes it all under the rug, then she doesn't have to deal with it. Out of sight, out of mind. She doesn't want you talking about it to her because she wants to pretend it didn't happen.

I wish I had your strength

I have to wonder if Donna ha**** upon somehting here, mom's  of a certain age group were raised to hide all personal problems,,, i dont know... i do know i went the oposite way, our daughter was sexually abused, we all had a great therapist to get over it, because she was minor and i did all the fighting for her, i had to be privy to what happened to her, thank god for great therapists( is there a therapists day ??, should be one!) i have a great relationship with her, she hated therapist at the time but  she is a well adjusted wife & mom thanks to wonderful people like yourself, but i do think my mother would handle it the same as yours. big hug, Denise