Inviting others into your insecurities

I learned this when I was working with teenagers, but it applies to adults, too.

A teenage girl with a pimple on her nose will be embarrassed to go out of the house.  She is certain everyone will be staring at her pimple (which may not even by that big).  It's all she sees when she looks in the mirror so she is sure it's all anyone else sees when they look at her.

But the truth is, none of her friends pay any attention to her pimple.  They are too busy worrying about their own pimples.  Which of course she does not even  notice, because she is so focused on her own pimple.

People in general are pretty self-absorbed.  They don't pay as much attention to you as you might imagine they do.  Most people aren't counting your pimples or keeping track of how much you eat.

I'm surprised by these sentiments.  I'm probably interpreting this wrong, but I get the sense that we're saying don't worry about your insecurities because people don't really notice them.  When I hear that, I feel some concern because it doesn't sound like the right message.  I would like to hear something more geared towards that it doesn't matter what others think of you, you need to be happy with yourself.  Not, don't worry, they don't notice, but rather who cares if they notice, love yourself.  Just my two cents.

That's an excellent point, Jim.  Ideally, I think that is where we'd all like to be, but in the meantime it's nice to know that maybe what I'm concerned with isn't as noticeable as I think it is.

I know I should not CARE what everyone else thinks... my brain tells me that, but my personal insecurities fight the message.  Knowing that the areas I worry about aren't as readily apparent to others makes it easier to deal with while I'm "faking it until I make it", if you know what I mean!

I'm glad you jump in on posts like this... I was wondering if more women tend to do this, or if men have these concerns, too!


tori

Honestly Tori, I have all the same body issues as any woman, and hide just as much of my body (haven't had my shirt off in public in 30 years and don't plan to anytime soon) and wear just as much compression wear. I'm the manliest chick you'll ever know. LOL

Jim, you're awesome... gotta love ya!  ;)


tori

 Jim,  I tend to agree with you but there may be a difference between males and females on this topic.  When I am getting flack from one of my kids I like to tell them that I will apologize for my flaws when they have accomplished what I have.  

Image is critical to most females and I'm not as sure how important it is to men.  

I can't speak for all men, but image is crucially important to me. Even at 381lbs, the way that I dressed, my personal hygiene, and even the way I smelled were all important to me.  I'm the guy who never under-dressed for any occasion. As a matter of fact, I always overdressed. And it was unimaginable to me to wear the same outfit on two occasions with the same group of people.

 Well I personally don't care what others think of me NOW. But to GET to that point I needed to embrace that I'm not the center of the universe. It's a tenet that's taught a lot in addiction recovery programs because that thought process actually fuels addiction.

So I'd eat in corners because I didn't want to face "judgment" and such. Nobody is worrying about me! Nobody is noticing me. I notice myself, yes. But that's something between me and me. 

But my initial point is that sometimes we feel fear over something we have a good measure of control over. Sometimes we invite people to criticize us when maybe it's not that big a deal to them and they wouldn't have criticized us or even noticed if we hadn't first pointed it out.

I don't do that anymore mostly because (warning: religious implications coming here), I'm infinitely more concerned about how I appear in the eyes of my God than in how any of you see me. My faith teaches me that to live by faith almost certainly means looking like a space alien in some point in your life, but you keep on stepping.

But there is merit, I think, to being aware of when you are being criticized/targeted vs. when YOU were unwittingly the original instigator.

Hope that clarifies. 

I get it now Nik, and I don't disagree.  I'm just a bit put off by the "people don't even notice you, you only notice yourself" part.  People notice everything, they are just kind and spare peoples feelings.  Some notice and criticize, but many times people will say "I didn't even notice", or "you can't even see it".  Well the truth is that they did notice and you can see it, and they are just being good, kind people. I truly believe that people are good and will go out of their way not to upset others. Conversely, I think that people are not good enough and kind enough to themselves. I'm not sure any of that makes any sense at all. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say, so it probably doesn't. LOL

As for the God thing, no need for disclaimers, because of the following words: "I'm, I, my, me, My, me".  You see, that was about your faith and beliefs, and it doesn't imply that I have to feel the same or be less meaningful as a human being. Live and let live. :)

 See...I disagree.

I went out with a guy who had bad teeth. He was insecure about it. But I didn't notice his teeth until he pointed them out to me and explained, in detail, why they were bad. He'd smiled and shown his teeth. It didn't occur to me that there was anything out of the ordinary. But once he showed me, yes...I noticed. I didn't care. I still liked him (except I shouldn't have because he was something of an ass) but I did.

I can't speak for the rest of society but I know I've been told enough times that folks don't notice my bat wings unless I show them that I tend to believe it. These days I get that statement because I purposely show them to show people "hey...I have this six inch flap of skin hanging off my arm and I can rock the sleeveless so you can too!" and most folks come up to me and go "wow, your wings fall really naturally because I never noticed them before."

But no...the nobody notices you thing isn't a put down. It's actually an uplifter for me. There aren't people conspiring to criticize me at every turn. That's in my head. It's likely most folks are so into themselves they barely notice the things about me that I think stick out like a sore thumb. And to me that is a comfort.