Lost my way...outta control!

 I haven't been around much on these boards. I think I have been avoiding it because I don't want to face the reality of what I am doing to myself. I get enough protein, take all my vitamins, and drink enough water but it pretty much stops there. I can eat anything and I am totally obsessed with food. The quantity I can eat is also incredible. Sometimes it feels like I haven't had the surgery at all. My year anniversary is in a week and I've gained 5 lbs since my lowest. I think about food ALL the time. I can eat sweets and really anything...and the bad thing is I do. I know what I need to do but I'm so scared. I feel hungry all the time. I eat something high in protein for breakfast but them I feel like I'm SO hungry an hour later. I just want food all the time.

I want this to work for me. I don't want to go back to how heavy I was even though I think I've gone back to a lot of my old habits. 

I really need some words of encouragement.

Been to an OA meeting lately?  Are you seeing a therapist?

You don't have to go back to how  heavy you were.  But here's the thing.  If you go back to doing all the things you did back then, you probably will go back to being very heavy again.  If you don't change things, things aren't going to change.  Know what I mean?  I'm not saying it's as easy as just saying "Oh, well, I'll quit doing those things."  I know it's not that easy.  But what are you doing to deal with the obsession with food?  Because I really doubt it's just gonna go away by itself.

 Well said, Kelly :-)

This is the hard part of surgery....dealing with the head stuff and coming up with a plan. As Kelly suggested cognitive therapy may help...also some other suggestions....several good books out there about mindful eating including 50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food. I am also reading the Complete Beck Diet for Life. It is so difficult to combat food addiction but we must remain in the fight to be successful at maintenance....keep coming back to the board. YOU can do this but it takes daily effort!!

 I do think I need therapy. I really should stop spending so much money on food and go to therapy instead. I know my issues with food are much more than just liking food. Food is absolutely comfort. Those books sound good. Thanks for the ideas.

 I do know I need to change. I never really got into OA much. I just didn't ever really feel like I fit there or that it would be helpful. I joined Weigh****chers a couple of months ago but I didn't like that either. Basically what I do is get all the crappy food out of the house and try to eat all the thinngs I'm supposed to and not overeat but by the end of the night I will look back on the day and I will have cookies in the house and I will have eated 2500 calories for the day. I do know what I have to do. So why the hell am I not doing it?? My husband says I need to not complain about it and just start making changes. I worry I can't do it. I love sweets. 

Here's what I hear you saying, Katie.  And I'm not trying to be mean here, I'm really not.  "I don't want to go to OA or Weigh****chers or Therapy.  I'm scared I can't quit eating.  I'm scared if I try, I will fail.  I'm so scared of failing, that I am not even going to try.   I will just believe those things wouldn't help me anyway and there's nothing I can do."

I'm not saying OA is the only thing that will help you.  I'm saying you need something to help you, though.  You've tried doing it alone and it hasn't worked very well.  At some point you gotta do something different if you want different results.

 Yeah...I do want to change but I'm scared. I think therapy is probably what I am going to do. I wi**** were easy.

Oh, I wi**** was easy too. 

Go to therapy.  Therapy isn't going to make you change, you know.  It's going to help you change when you're ready.  So you don't have to be scared that if you go, the therapist will make you change things you aren't ready to change.  It's just to help you change the things you decide you are ready to change.

But you've already been down this road.  You know where it leads and you didn't like it there.  It's time to at least start looking at some new maps.

 What are you scared about? if you don't stop and seek help then you will fail.. that alone should scare the **** out of you!  Think of all you went through in the beginning it was so much for you and you can't let that be for nothing!!!!!!!! Come on stick a picture of you at your highest weight on every cookie in the house, better yet throw them all out.  You don't have kids so you don't need excuses to keep crap in your house.. only keep healthy stuff around so you're not tempted.  I eat a cookie or chips sometimes.. but I stop because what scares me the most is weighing 350 lbs again!!! Nothing is as scary as that!  It's not easy but it's worth it and you can do it.. so do it!!