Mixed feelings after hanging out with a friend...

WARNING: THIS IS LONG

I met up with an old friend yesterday. Well...technically I met her through my babydaddy. They were friends when we first met. Actually I think they'd had relations and then became friends. But whatever. When I met her I could tell she was not a manstealer type. More like "always the bridesmaid never the bride" type.

Although she has no knowledge of the existence of this board, let us call her Jane.

Well Jane and I kept contact over the years. And yesterday she asked if the kids and I wanted to hang out. She'd messaged me a few times on Facebook and said she's looking to try to lose weight herself (without surgery) and asked me the random question or two.

Well, almost immediately my red flag went up with her. Not in a "she will harm me" sort of way but that I might come out of this with some feelings. Firstly, she wanted to pay for EVERYTHING we did. I had to talk her out of that. She wanted to take me and the girls for lunch and pedicures and shopping. Now don't get me wrong. I am not averse to generosity. But I'm a professional writer and she's a cashier at a grocery store. From her oversharing, I'd already determined my paycheck is about five times what hers is and I just didn't feel right about her paying for everything.

Besides the fact that it sort of smacked of "I'll pay you to hang out with me." And I think she's cool and worthy of hanging out with without her having to pay for stuff. So anyway, me and the girls go to pick her up (she lives with her parents and does not drive).

And as we're hanging out, she's telling me about all sorts of stuff. Past relationships, present relationships, her weight loss attempts. To make many long stories short, she keeps getting into the "friendship zone" with men. They will meet her and determine she's just a friend. She hangs on for far too long, listens to them talk about being with other women and silently hurts. She relayed to me she prays to God to "either take me out of that situation or make me ok with it."

So after we'd gone to lunch and did a little shopping (and she insisted on giving my girls money to shop with although I talked her DOWN to just $10 for each) it was getting late and I was ready to go home. But she looked like her world would end if I ended the evening. I did insist, though, as I had church in the morning and was tired. Plus she lives a ways from me in the county (county = not many street lights = very dark = Nik is a city girl = big chance of car crash).

When I got home last night there were so many thoughts swirling in my head. One of the biggest ones is that Jane is EXACTLY who I might have become had I not had WLS. She's a few years older than me (I'm 35) and I just see so much of my old self in her. The lack of self-esteem, the paying folks to be around, the talking about wanting to change but not acting on it (when we went to lunch she kept apologizing for everything she ordered - none of which was remotely healthy but I left my "food police" badge at home so it made little difference to me).

I do want to continue to be friends with Jane. But hanging out with her sort of messed with me.

I think that I am guilty, in some small part, of forgetting where i came from. I often look to folks who are still obese and make judgments. Not "you are a horrible person" judgments but...sort of like...pre-op I used to think think people were inherently happy by virtue of the fact that they are thin. Conversely, nowadays I tend to think bigger people are inherently unhappy by virtue of the fact that they are big. That thinking HAS to stop. It dehumanizes people. On both sides. People are made up of many emotions and have the right to them, no matter what I think or how I feel.

But I could not get over the urget o shake her and tell her that she deserves so much better than men who take advantage of her. She deserves to get married, be happy, feel confident and have whatever kind of life she wants.

Sigh...just some thoughts. I gotta chew on this some more.

Oh Cleopatra, That is so sad.  Your friend is terribly lonely.  It seems like she had so much more to share with you that night.  Is your friend considering wls?

Seems like you understand that you are projecting your feelings onto other people, and that they may not feel the way that you assume that they feel.  We all know that many beautiful woman that are in shape have compromised their dignity and self worth when it comes to dealing with men. And that being overweight does not mean that someone is bound to settle (I never settled).

With that being said, from what you described about this particular individual, it seems that your assessment of her may be accurate (particularly if you know her well). What I've learned is that sometimes it is better to not associate with people who I find myself in constant judgement of, or if the person's lifestyle brings up negative feelings in me regarding myself or my - old self. It's good that you were able to see where you "might" be if you hadn't had intervention. I think that sometimes people are put into our lives as a mirror or a testament of what we are, or what we could be, in the good sense or the bad sense.

Oh yeah... I know not all big women settle. I have a friend who has been married 20 years to the love of her life, so I know better than to get into that stinkin thinkin.

But I honestly do want to stay friends with her. I think we might need to have the "boundaries" talk in some format.

I think she will be good for me as I think I may be good for her. I think another thing that sort of bugged me is that my feelings with regards to men are sort of whacked. I don't have a lot of trust in men in general, from a romantic standpoint, so I think I also project that onto her: like she is a fool to believe in all these guys. But that may not be the case and I'm working on it.

Then it sounds like a friendship that you can nurture. I think that you are absolutely right to set up some boundaries, and to let her know how you feel about her buying. Keep us updated on this friendship, very interesting.

 I'm glad you're starting to think about boundaries with her. We all need friends, but someone who discloses such personal info pretty early into a friendship and tries to buy your time/attention may be a bit.... trying. Not to predict how your friendship with her will go, nor will I try to diagnose her on a thread (which is a pickle I sometimes get into. Like I don't have enough of my own clients to diagnose.), but there are some flags that are coming up - and for the health of your friendship and balance, it's good to steer her in a loving way of how she's creating the exact conditions in relationships that hurt her so. 

You know Nik, what you say is true... not all bigger people are miserable any more than all skinnier people are happy.  Every person is an individual and stereotypes just can't capture all the variances to be even slightly accurate.

However, talking about this one individual, I don't think it's wrong of you to come to conclusion that SHE is not happy.  You know her personally and you saw the way she acted (re: eating, interacting with others, etc)... and from that you came to your assessment. I think you should let yourself off the hook for that... just from the info you shared, sounds like you were right about her.

What I KNOW is that she is lucky to have you in her life.  I think sometimes it takes having been in a situation to have a certain level of empathy for another in similiar situation.. and you can sense where she is because as you said, it could have been you.  I suspect that you will end up spending a lot more time with her... and just from spending time with you, I also suspect that some of your confidence and positivity will rub off on her.  My truest hope is that she can gain some strength from you to break out from the various things holding her back.  She does deserve better, and sometimes people need someone else to point that out to them.  This could be the relationship in her life that brings her the 'lightbulb" moment needed to forge ahead.

I hope so, for her sake... she sounds like a generous soul.  Wishing the best of luck to her...


tori

 i see myself in her, even 1 yr out, especially when it comes to men. my good friend (gay male lol) keeps telling me that i'm dating beneath myself. that i'm still going for the same guys i would go for a year ago (he knows it's bad, but alas we all know it's true. men are shallow), yet still keep getting "friended". apparently the guy i'm talking to now is "hot enough" but i haven't actually hung out with him yet.

Hi,    You are right to feel concerned.  She is a sad person but also an overally needy person.  Even if you know why she is so insecure it still keeps you from being able to be on an even footing with her.  Having someone that has emotional issues can be very hard to deal with.

          Though you feel sorry for her it doesn't mean that you have to hang out with her.

           There are people that cause so much drama around them that you can't ever really get close to them.  It's not healthy for anyone involved.

            If I were in your shoes I would stop seeing her before she gets overally attached to you. It would be better to avoid her now rather than have her think that you are her true friend and want to be with her.

             If you decide you do want to be her friend then you need to be straight with her about how you are thinking about things.

              I've been both a needy friend and a person who someone was overally needy with. Neither relation ship procressed because I wasn't on equal footing with either person.

               You can feel sorry for a person yet be unable to really help them. Then you stay stressed because you aren't around a normal person.

                I do have some friendships where I am the "big sister" and accept the role of helping that person.  Only you can decide if you are up for the challenge of helping her or not.

            Good luck with everything.  marie

My 2 cents: .  IMO - more sad - depressed, with low self esteem people get fat... than if they are happy.

Some people get fat because they are not happy and depressed and the food is their "medicine"

People are not sad - unhappy because they are fat.  They may be unhappy about that- but they still will be more "normal".