does your doctor yell at you?

I totally know there is a way to help someone without being scolded. I've done it and it's been done to me. Its a way of asking someone what they think caused their issue. It puts the ball in the other person's court and gives them the control of how much and or how deep they are able to go to figure it out. Some people are in their heads so much or so detached from their emotions that it might not be as effective as with others, but if a person can see and admit what they think has sabotaged them, then their caregiver can help them come up with a plan of action. It's also a reminder that the person does have control of their lives. I don't know if this would work for everyone, but it is one approach that isn't scolding.

To be honest, it's been a fear of mine from day 1. I gained two pounds before my last appointment and he said, point blank, "You've gained." I almost burst into tears. I'm the kind of person who HATES to disappoint authority figures. I'm an overachiever. I always want to succeed -- but of course food and weight is the area in which I've always seemed to fail. Because of that, I crave my surgeon's approval more than is good for me. I've avoided talking to him about my struggles and issues because he sees me as a model patient and I am desperate not to disappoint him. If he actually yelled at me, or even scolded me, I might actually pass out.  

I feel bad that you're afraid to talk to him about your struggles.  He could probably help you with them.  I mean, that's a big part of his job.  He may see you as a model patient, but I don't think that means he believes you are perfect.  That would be pretty unrealistic since no one is perfect, but beyond that, I would hope a bariatric surgeon would realize that most of his patients are going to have some struggles along the way.

Do you think model patients never have struggles?  Or do you think maybe they have them but know how to cope with them?  Like, maybe when they struggle, they seek help as soon as they realize there is a problem, so they can resolve it as quickly as possible?  If that's the case, then talking to your surgeon about your struggles would actually be a way to be a model patient and gain approval.

Do you think he wants you to talk to him about your struggles?

"Do you think he wants you to talk to him about your struggles?"

This actually made me pause. Because I feel on some level like he DOESN'T want me to talk to him about my struggles. My appointments with him post-surgery have been extremely brief -- 10 or 15 minutes, if that, and for most of that time he was rattling around on the computer putting in my new stats and information. When I did talk, he seemed...brisk. Impatient. Don't get me wrong, he's an amazing surgeon, but it's clear he thinks of his patients like broken cars on an assembly line. He fixes us up, gives us a once-over, and then he's done. I felt like if I mentioned my struggles I wouldn't only disappoint him, I would be annoying him.

Thank god I started going to the support group. I feel like an idiot for not going sooner. I had such a hellish first and second week, and I think a large part of that had to do with feeling so isolated and alone with everything I was going through, both physicaly and emotionally. Perhaps my surgeon's indifference (real or percieved) played into that, as well as what I thought was my failure to be that "model patient" (because of course a model patient NEVER struggles, right?). Clearly the support group is where I'm going to get support, not my surgeon. While I'm okay with that, I DO wish he was a little more...welcoming? Encouraging? But I think that's more about my insecurities as a patient than it is a reflection on him.

Thanks for this question. It's help me figure all this stuff out. :)

If you really want to challenge yourself, next time you see him, ask if he wants you to talk about your struggles.  Seriously.  You don't have to talk about them at that appointment, but ask him if he wants you to talk to him about that or if you should save it for support group.

You should be getting a lot of support from your support group.  I mean, that's the purpose of it.  But I think it would be nice to lose that fear of talking to your surgeon about your struggles, too.

I have argued with my surgeon. I still let him operate on me tho. I feel he has not so good personal skills, aka bedside manner. But his surgical skills are top notch. We did argue over the fact he felt I was lying about what I was eating because I was gaining weight instead of losing. Yet he took me off my medicine for diabetes because he said it would made me hungry. I went back on it with my pcp's help and got my sugar levels back to manageable numbers and went right back to loosing the weight needed to get my RNY.

I argued with him a second time. I went to him since he does breast lifts and tummy tucks and panni removals. I told him I wasnted the panni removed. He said my insurance wouldn't cover it. I said yes they will. I meet all their criteria. We both got louder and louder and kept going back and forth. I stomped out of his office and that was over a year ago and havent been back yet. Tho I went to a local plastic surgeon who did the surgery, with my insurance. I'm going to schedule a dr appt with my WLS surgeon for probably this saturday if I can get in. If not then maybe next saturday. I want him to see the much newer much thinner me. Without the panni!!!!!!

ABSOLUTELY NOT!  My doctor's bed-side-manner, along with his technical skill and curriculum vitae, was the reason I chose him.  He has a quiet, calm and matter-of-fact way of telling me what I need to do.

...and I am easily intimidated, so I could never have a physician like that.  I run from unpleasant things like that, and it would only take one situration where I felt like a doctor "yelled" or was unkind, and I would never go back.  The doctor-patient relationship in this journey is very important, and I knew that.  I actually avoided one very high profile clinic because I had a negative experience with one of the surgeons  years ago when he did a breast biopsy and  before his practice became focused on WL. 

Yes!!  First time I've EVER had a doctor yell at me.  I was so hurt.  My surgeon yelled loudly at me the morning  following my surgery.  It was the first time I had seen him since the operation.  He screamed that I wasn't using the incentive spirometer every half hour like he wanted me to (I was sleeping a lot with the morphine pump and walking when awake or going for tests) He made me cry.  He told me that HE felt I wasn't pushing myself hard enough.

I hate him.  I removed his name from my screen name.  I don't want to ever see him again.  He's a pompous ass.  He treats his patients (like another poster said) broken cars on an assembly line.  He doesn't want to hear our struggles.  He only wants to record our data and push us out the door.  I refuse to attend his "group lectures"  which don't really address anything really affecting me.  Anyone can attend these.  I just don't want to see his face.  I haven't followed up with him re: vitamin levels.  I went to my PCP.  My one year anniversary is coming up and I dread going back to him.  Honestly, he's such a jerk, he won't even remember what he did, said or even me for that matter.  His associate is a sweetheart, but you can't request to see him.  It's a tossup on who you see.

One year later, and it still bothers me.

Why are you planning to go back for a follow up?  Why not find another surgeon or just follow up with your PCP?

That would have made me cry too, right after surgery.  That's ridiculous.