OT- rambling and depressed

This is gonna be me rambling here.  I’m not sure what I’m looking for, exactly.  Maybe just to know if anyone else has felt this way.

This afternoon I kind of realized that I am feeling very dissatisfied with my life, lately.  Don’t ask me why it took me this long to figure this out.  But for the past year, my depression has been pretty bad (yes, I am getting treatment for it, it’s just not helping very much).  It really takes all my energy just to do the basic stuff – take a shower, take care of the cats, cook dinner, wash the dishes, do the laundry.  I do work part time as a freelance writer and have been working a lot less over the past year than I used to, since the depression has been so bad.  It’s not an exciting job, though; for instance, I just finished writing a series of ten articles about eczema.  I’ve also written on topics like mold, bedbugs, acne and warts.

So, unsurprisingly, I’m bored.  Yeah, this exciting stuff takes all my energy, but I’m still bored.  It’s not satisfying.  The most creative thing I do is cook dinner and I am not a great cook.  I feel like I don’t get to do anything that I’m really good at, if that makes sense.  When I was able to work (I’ve been on SSDI for almost ten years now, due to depression and PTSD), I worked with teenagers in an anger management program.  It was challenging and never boring and I was good at it.  Somehow cooking dinner and writing about eczema is not a good substitute for that.

Before someone suggests that I get a job, that’s really not an option.  I could probably get one.  However, due to the depression, I would end up missing too many days and would not be able to keep a job.  That’s why I freelance – I can work whatever hours I want, turn down jobs if I need time off, etc.  That usually doesn’t work so well with a “real job."

But how do you accept that you’re never going to have the life you wanted to have?  That you still want to have?  How do you learn to find contentment with washing dishes and doing laundry?

And I know my life really isn’t that bad.  It just feels bad right now.  I’m not satisfied.

Maybe you can volunteer for something in your community that will give you an open schedule. It is a very satisfying reward.
I actually am starting a part time volunteer position with the Salvation Army Thrift Store. Tomorrow is my first day.

I am sorry you are feeling that way Kelly.  You help so many people on these boards.. you have no idea the impact you have.  I can relate to your feelings though.  I often feel like my life has no real purpose. I work, but it's not satisfying at all. Maybe volunteer work of some kind would help us both?

Volunteering would probably be a good idea.  I have a bunch of reasons why that wouldn't work right now, but I think they are just excuses.  Like, my car is not running right now, but I would do it around my partner's schedule and use his car one day a week.

Go to a nursing home and just visit with the people there. Make friends with them they are so badly in need of people to visit them and just show an interest in them. Talk to the administrators tell them you are looking for people who are still lucid and can hold a conversation, and that has little to no visitation, it won't be long until you will know what it means to be very important to someone who just wants to have a friend it will do wonders for your depression you can go when you want not  like volunteering for a hospital your on your time so it's much more flexible and the good you do will help you get out of this depression. OH how I hate depression. It hurts in ways that unless you have been there you'll never understand. SO GET UP AND GO MAKE SOME FRIENDS AT YOUR LOCAL NURSING HOME!!!!!!

 Kelly, maybe it is time to find something exiting to write about.  Is there something that you are interested in or have always wanted to do?  Maybe do some research on it and then write about your experience.  You never know, maybe that is what you need, something that excites you, or at least peaks your interest somehow.  

 Forgive me if this is a silly suggestion, but what about taking an online course? Something you are interested in and could possibly benefit from? Something that interests you? That way it is flexible but will keep you stimulated.

As you know, one of the most devastating effects of depression is that those who suffer from it feel hopeless and helpless. There is no pleasure to be found in the activities of daily life, either, so things feel even worse.

But you, Kelly, have a lot to offer. Many people on this forum  look to you for advice and guidance and they trust your expertise. So there's one thing you do that you're really good at, and it means a lot to the people who seek your advice. Perhaps you could look into a remote, advisory opportunity in this field. In the ever expanding world of social media, there may be a role or partnership that you can propose--maybe to an insurance company or hospital, where you can act as an advisor. I know it will take energy that you may not feel you have at the moment, but it's just a thought.

Take care and best of luck to you.

I'm so sorry to hear about your partner.  I was not aware of that.

I think it's possible to find at partner at any age.  But I'm sure not going to try to tell you I'm sure you'll find someone because of course I have no way of knowing that, and we both know it's possible you might not.  I also think it's possible to be happy alone, but it can sure be lonely at times.