Addiction vs. Liking

Again, fodder from my jumbled brain.

 

This morning I had a lot on my mind as I walked to work. I think well when I walk.

 

This morning I thought about when I was an exercise zealot. I am not anymore. I move my body often but there was a time, not so long ago, when I lived in the gym.

 

It is just now that I see why I did that. I exercised so much because exercising was one of two distinct activities (the other being shopping) that kept me from near constant thoughts of food.

 

I am a food addict. I think I’ve said that enough times on this board. As always, I think a lot about what addiction is and isn’t. I think about what you all say about addiction. I think about what we might think is addiction, but may not be.

One thing I came up with (and I’d be interested to know if you all agree) is that I didn’t like the subject of my addiction. That is to say, I didn’t like how much I thought about food. I hated it. In the beginning, because my body was literally starving, my brain turned to obsessive food thoughts thinking that’s what was needed for me to survive. Studies on starvation show that when the body isn’t getting proper calories, food thoughts persist.

 

At a point, I was near suicidal with those thoughts. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? I only found relief in a few things, exercise being one of them. So I exercised to exorcise my food thoughts.

 

That’s a bit different than many people’s conception of addiction. Often people assume someone becomes addicted to something because they like it too much. True, I like good food. But the perversion of food thoughts is something that I hate. You all don’t know how much I long to be able to eat a meal and then think of something else. Even today when my demons are getting the better of me, I eat a meal and immediately start plotting the next one. It’s maddening. And when I talk to people about it, they assume that I think about food because I like to think about food. No…I think about food because I am compelled, by my addiction, to do so.

 

That is not to say I don’t have spurts of normal food thoughts. Bariatric Foodie is a good example of that. It’s an outlet where I can work out the valid food thoughts I have. Not the ones that chant in the back of my brain, but the ones that propel me to take control of my eating life.

 

So I just wanted to put that out there. For those who identify themselves as food addicts, do you find the same thing (that you hate how much you think about food)? For folks with transfer addictions, is it that same way with the manifestation of your addiction? I’m curious to flesh this out more in my mind.

I think you just spelled out the definition of my relationship with food. I have never looked at it that way before, but you hit it, dead center. When I was a kid, one of the first things that my dad would say in the morning is "do you know what is for dinner tonight?" this is the same thought process that has crept into my adult life. I am constantly thinking and worrying about what the meals for the day - or for the week -  are going to be. If I don't have it planned out to the letter, I stress out and that makes me eat even more. And it becomes a horrible cycle that defines my daily thoughts. I have never been able to vocalize it until your post. It makes me feel horrible and ashamed like nobody else could ever understand it. Thank you so much for your post.

You know how annoyed I get when someone calls something an addiction just because they like it.  When people make comments like "My husband hopes I develop a transfer addiction to sex!"  When they say they are addicted to sugar free fudgesicles.  Things like that.

I think people often, but not always, like the thing they are addicted to but usually don't like being addicted to it.  I mean, if someone becomes addicted to alcohol, it's probably because they like drinking alcohol, right?  Or they did at one point, or they wouldn't have drunk enough of it to develop an addiction.  But I bet they don't like the way their addiction makes them lose their job and lose their family and all that stuff.

My mom is a recovering alcoholic. She always said she never liked alcohol per se, but what it represented. She drank when she was young out of rebellion and that feeling, the need to separate from the ills of her family, drove her to keep drinking. She said in time she acquired a taste for alcohol but that the taste is not what drew her. She once said in an AA meeting that when no liquor was around she drank rubbing alcohol.

 

So I think an addiction CAN form from initially liking something or it can form because that something represents what you think you need. Food addiction is tricky because we all need food. And it’s hard to tell if you’re addicted to food. I think AA, OA, etc. have a good foundation for addiction, though. If your life has become unmanageable because of your fixation on something, you are addicted to it.

 

My life is manageable now. Not easily manageable but manageable. But I think the exercise example is a prime one. That I had to keep my mind that occupied 24/7 means my life was not manageable and I was truly powerless over food. What I guess gives me hope is that instead of giving in at the point, I used the only weapon I knew could fight it.

That's really how I decide if some thing is an addiction.  If it's making life unmanageable. 

hmmm....I have many thoughts on this subject...here are a few. I think that you are right that addictions begin (in their purest form) with something you may like or at least that you enjoy what that item does for you. However, I think that the distinction between liking and addiction is when it morphs into something beyond "liking"....it becomes a form of coping. Coping with feelings or experiences that are unpleasant. This behavior becomes essential to everyday life because it is the only way you may know how to give yourself what you emotionally need. For example I like crocheting but it is not linked to my emotional well being. Food on the other hand has always been a self soothing tool for me.

Precisely!

 

In the beginning of my process, I hated the obsessive food thoughts…so I hated food.

Even to this day my brain defaults to one of two modes of thinking: eat everything or eat nothing. There is no balanced view. I have to infuse the balanced view. I liken it to having to manually start your computers operating system every time you turn it on as opposed to just pushing the power button. I hate that this is the way my brain works, but I’ve also accepted that fact. It’s part of who I am and I have to deal with it.

 

But I got to thinking about that because far too often people do label liking or craving something as an addiction. True, liking something can certainly lead an addiction, but very often when I hear people say this, it is something they still enjoy quite a bit.

 

I have never met a drunk who truly enjoys being a drunk. They may be resigned to being a drunk, but they are never like, “Yay! I’m a drunk!" Far more often, I meet drunks who wish they could be anything but. Just like I wish I wasn’t a food addict and could enjoy food normally.

That’s quite different than liking to eat a lot and wishing that indulging in that enjoyment didn’t have negative consequences (i.e. weight gain).

 I've always thought of addiction is when people repeated behavior, even when they didn't like it and knew it would harms them in the end.

I see my relationship with food more a compulsion. I stuff food in my mouth I think more to repeat an activity - and I'm not really sure why and what I give out of it.

A good way I've found to combat that? When you feel yourself zoning out when you are chewing, blink three times and say out loud "Pause!"

Sounds silly but it jolts you into the moment. I often then try to rejoin the land of the living. In the land of the living I can feel that my tummy has had enough and will soon feel icky if I keep stuffing my face.

OMG! You hit the nail on the head.  I think about food all the time too, it's quite annoying.  You put into words my  'dirty little secret'.  How can you explain to people, that don't have this, that you think about your next meal while you're finishing up the one that's right in front of you.  I hate this ****! My sponsor used to say, "You can put the plug in the jug but you have to let the tiger out of the cage 3 times a day with food." One day at a time is how I try to roll with it.  Some days I win and some days it's the tiger.