Follow-up about body image...

My exchange with a few folks the other day about having a positive body image got me to thinking and so I thought I would relay some of those thoughts to you.

I apologize if I ever give the perception that having a positive self-image should be easy. It is not. And I understand that. It wasn't easy for me. For all my so-called "swagger" there was once a LOT of insecurity.

At the point where I was right before surgery, I didn't like to be touched, cringed at photos of myself and just generally didn't think I was pretty or sexy or worthy of any kind of attention at all.

And even after surgery...you guys have to understand that I was ALWAYS bigger than most other post-ops weight wise. It wasn't easy (and still isn't some days) hearing you guys post about being 140 or 150 when the lowest weight I have EVER achieved post-op was 172. It screws with your head. Bad. You begin to wonder what you did wrong. What everybody else did right. You start to question the changes you've made in your life. You begin to feel less confident speaking about your "successes" because they don't stack up against everyone else's. It especialaly bugged me (although I had the good sense not to express it outwardly) when people who weighed 50 lbs. less than I ever will would complain about how MUCH they weigh.

But then I had to make a choice. I could look in the mirror for the rest of my life and see what I am not: skinny. Or I could look in the mirror and see all that I am: curvaceous, vivacious, feminine.

I chose the latter. And interestingly enough that decision had a LOT to do with food. I did not give up a passionate relationship with the foods I loved to be miserable or chasing after some life I'll never get to live. I loved my buffalo wings, my Pepsi, my chocolate, but I knew if I didn't change that relationship I didn't have a shot at contentment. So there I was...140 lbs. lighter and still miserable. Oh HELL no!

So I made the choice. And it took a lot of work. It took staring at myself in the mirror a lot. It took telling myself I looked good. It took taking dance classes where I had to face a mirror and watch my skin and fat roll in different directions. It took cringing at the pictures until I could stare longer than a few seconds. It took many sessions with my therapist. It took a lot of things I don't care to name here, but finally, FINALLY, I started to see myself in a different light. And you know what? I realized something. What others think of you is about 95% what you think of yourself. If you think you are fabulous, others are more likely to do so. Once I figured that out, and the fact that being admired in any way propelled my newfound sense of self-esteem, the present, more confident, slightly egotistical Nik you now know was born.

But it wasn't some attribute I was endowed with. It was a choice I made. And one I make every single day.

So if I have ever trivialized that struggle for you guys, I deeply apologize. I know how hard it is to see yourself in a positive light. I know how hard it is NOT to compare yourself with others. I know where it can lead your mind and how it can screw up your process. It's hard work but it's worth it. I am worth it. So are you.

I see the beauty in all of you, the progress in all of you. It is my most sincere wish for you all to see the same in yourselves and to find joy. Kirk Franklin, who I admire very much, said in one of his songs, "I don't want you to just find happiness, because then you have to always have somethign to be happy about. I want you to find JOY, because can't nobody take that from you."

Well said, Nik. I'm a lil over 3 years post-op. I realized recently that I am finally "content" which is a big step for me 

Laura

I love the things you just posted.  I am reasonably new here so I have not had time to form too many opinions on the folks that are members here.  I think you will be one of the ones I like to hear from.  If you don't love yourself, who will? 

Have a Merry Christmas and keep on writing....

***LOVE*** the post. Thank you!

This post makes me feel better.  I've always read your posts and admired what I saw as a positive body image...I had no idea how hard you worked to gain that sense of self esteem.  Sometimes (sad to say) I would even get to the point of rolling my eyes and being like "yeah Nik, I get it, ur awesome..." (I DO hate at times) 

I am 5'10" 155lbs and I have a terrible body image.  I know in my brain that I am thin -- but I just don't "see" it.  I read posts by people like yourself who accept themselves and love their bodies (ya know --for the most part)...and I berate myself.  I think ...WTH is wrong with you?  Ya got what ya wanted -- ur thin and people say you are beautiful....why do YOU not see it?

NOW I see that it doesn't just happen .... even those who come off as confident and self assured WORKED to get there.

Imma work on gettin' my swaggar on . . .

I KNEW IT!!!!

I always reference the folks who prolly roll their eyes at my post and I get, "No, Nik! We NEVER do that! LIES!" I don't mind. And I don't think it's hating. Well...no more than if it is hating that I roll my eyes EVERY time Kanye West opens his mouth.

But I learned something important from him. He thinks he's awesome and isn't losing a moment's sleep from my eyerolling. So I push on. Yes, I lay it on a bit thick at times but I have endeavored that for every year I wouldn't look at myself or wouldn't acknowledge or care for myself, I have to work twice as hard each year now to do the opposite. It's not easy though. Like I said...in a room full of smaller post-ops I sometimes feel like the whale. OH Conference was ver interesting as a result.

LOL.

I see your avie and I see the best curves. MOST men love curves. Are you married? If so I bet your hubby is in heaven right now. WORK IT!!!

LOL!  I can't STAND Kanye, I was a Katrina "victim" and get pissed everytime I think of his "George Bush hates black people" tirade. 

I roll my eyes but in a "I'm jealous and really want to be that way too," kinda way.  I definitely am gonna work on this.  I have no idea why I thought it just happens.  I thought it was a "ya either have it or ya don't" kinda thing.  

I have a boyfriend whom I have been with for 5 years.  He gets pissed when I put myself down.  He tells me how hot I am all the time....

You have definitely inspired me, yet again. . . thank you

 Wonderful post!

I have a friend who is a normal size/weight and has been all her life but she has a horrible body image.  I think I will share some of what you said with her.

It's taken me a long time to even get half way where you are in your mind.  

Thank you for taking the time to type that out.  

I work at this every day.  I'm down 120 pounds and more often than not I'm feeling pretty sassy.  But then I remember that I'm still 60 pounds heavier than I was before I gained weight and it brings me down.  I'm in college where EVERYONE is stick thin or it seems that way to me.  I do confident more often than I feel insecure.  I'm a work in progress but I'm definitely heading in the right direction.  Hell I even have my own face (and from the waist up) on my FB profile these days.  That's a huge step for someone who hasn't willingly been photographed in 25 years.

 I put this quote as the first sentance in my grad school application: "The unexamined life is not worth living". I'm probably misquoting there but I very much appreciate your examination of body image and how you got to a healthier self-concept. Happiness is something we can choose every day, but sometimes we forget......