A foot in one puddle, a foot in the other...

That’s sort of how I feel these days.

 

As you get further out from surgery, you are less and less like a “post-op." Many of us at about the two year mark or so try to live like “normal" people. That often is a dismal failure as well. So we’ve got one foot in each pool.

 

I can eat amounts that don’t alarm anyone. I don’t drop huge amounts of weight in a week. I can’t tell you the last time something got stuck. And my body finally seems to get the fact that dumping is not supposed to be a three day affair (or is it just that I have gotten very adept at avoiding foods that elicit that reaction?).

 

But conversely, I can’t eat too many carbs together in a meal (blood sugar death if I do), can’t eat/drink together most of the time, even if I was so inclined (tummy ache ensues) and too many successive days of crappy eating will leave me both with no appetite but with a noted lack of energy and just damn depressed.

 

So I’m somewhere in the middle. And while most folks might find this appealing, I find it (at least for now) slightly isolating. Up to now I’ve been able to identify some definite post-op stages we all seem to go through (I won’t detail in this post, but love to discuss this stuff if any of you wonder what I mean – PM me!). But the thing is there are few post-ops who stick around here long enough or consistently enough for me to understand what I’m going through now and where I am headed.

 

But still…there are a few of generous souls around who are further out from me. Tell me how you deal with the toggling? And most importantly, how does the toggling affect your ability to feel supported by the bariatric community? I feel like there is so much emphasis on the beginning of this journey and then…nothing. Even at support group nowadays I feel like I give way more advice than I get and when I speak of my problems I get blinks and stares and silence.

 

Just putting my thoughts out there. No disrespect intended to anyone and I don’t want to rain on anyone’s parade if you are new. My wildest dream is that more further out post-ops would stick around OH in recognition that we are all still on this journey and that, just like the marathon runner needs that  boost to keep going, so do we.

Just wanted to say, you are one of the few people I know further out than I am.  You're right, people don't tend to stick around much after the first year or so.  Hopefully that's because they are all doing well and are off living their lives.  I wonder how often it is, though, that they aren't doing well and don't want to post about regain or other struggles down the road because they are embarrassed or ashamed?  I hope that's not a common reason people don't stick around.

I think I'm lucky in that I have a support group where, while most members are newbies compared to me, we focus a lot on the "head stuff" and I find most of that applies to just about everyone, regardless of how far out they are.  I think, at least for me, that's where the work lies after you've been in maintenance for a while.

I think that's my other struggle. Most of my support group meetings center around food. Our inability to eat it. Our longing for it. Our fear of it. How many carbs? How much protein? When can I eat x, y or z. We only scratch the surface of the head stuff and even THAT tends to be about eating behaviors or reacting with food.

I tend to sit there and think "it's not about the FOOD! It's about YOU!!!" We manifest our issues through food but there is deeper stuff going on. I need to seek out a group that addresses that. I won't quit my surgical group (I love them so) but I am at the point where I know what I can eat and can't, I've lost the weight (or as much of the weight as gastric bypass was going to cause me to lose). Now I want to get my mind right. I want mental peace. That's the one thing this severed pouch cannot give you. Once you get over the euphoria of losing the weight, many of us see that we are still not at peace with ourselves.

Yeah, I wonder about the further outs who don't post anymore too. I hope they are well. Some of them seem to be (I am friends with them on Facebook). And some of them don't seem to be but, like me, feel out of place in most WLS support venues.

I think this is a big challenge to our community that needs to be addressed.

Have you thought of starting a support group, maybe one specifically for people that are more than a year out or one with the specific purpose of dealing with the psychological side of weight loss?

In the group I'm in, people can ask questions about food and all that stuff, but it's just not the focus.  That may be partly because it's a small group and it's a closed group - there aren't new people showing up every week that would have all the same questions the new people asked the week before.  But I am finding that most of us seem to deal with the same mental and emotional stuff, even if it manifests somewhat differently at different times.

If I thought I had the mental capacity to do so I would. Between my house situation, keeping the blog going, my actual day job, the kids, my mom and life in general I don't have much mental space to try to start up something new.

Maybe you could suggest a support group like that to your surgeon and he could start it through his office.  Or maybe someone else you know, like someone else in your current group, would be willing to start it.

Did that. Several times. I will probably suggest it again. And again. And again. Maybe some day they'll take me up on it. My group is mostly newer folks so asking someone else in the group is sort of fruitless as they are mostly less than one year out. I'm one of two further outs that even comes anymore (I tried to explain to my surgeon's office that if the group were more relevant to further outs more would come). The other person is an infrequent attendee.

There are a few other open groups in my area. I think I'll check them out and see what they are about. Perhaps there is more synergy around further out issues in some of them.

Nik, wanna move to the Chicago 'burbs? It's cold up here, but my surgeon's practice HAS set up a monthly group for WLS patients of the 3 surgeries they do that are 3 years or more out. I'm not there yet, but plan on attending both that group and my current regular group once I am.

I do agree that the regular group tends to focus on "what/when/hair" when it meets, but some of the longer-term people (and a few of the 5 years+ people still come regularly) do bring up the head issues, which helps me at least.

Don't mind me leaping in with a thought.

I just went to our support group last evening. The post-op support group meets once a month beginning at 5:30. The first hour is everyone post-op: banders, sleeves, bypass. The conversation is facilited by three professionals: the program psychiatrist, the Bariatric APRN, and the affliated Registered Dietician. Last night the topics ranged from bowel movements, holiday eating, head hunger, defining success, etc. At the end of an hour, we break apart into two groups. One group is specifically geared towards lap banders who have specific needs, facilitated by the Bariatric Program APRN; the other group anyone can participate in and it's a Back-on-Track, bevahior management group. It's facilitated by the Program Psychiatrist (who also teaches the six week behavior classes all pre-ops have to attend). If we as members don't bring up specific concerns, then the pyschiatrist proposes a meeting discussion. Last night it was deprivation and holidays, dealing with the mental stuff.

I find it fascinating that the Bariatric program has over 900 operations under its belt, and we are lucky to maybe get 25-40 folks once a month. It's a shame, isn't it, when there is evidential studies that prove increased program success from those who attend meetings. But I digress....

Anyway, what I really meant to share with all the above (sorry) was I truly like the two-part meeting. One hour for food issues, generic concerns, more newbie type stuff. The second hour is all about dealing with the head stuff and behaviors and remaining successful and that is where I really gleen much information and support. For instance last night, half of the attendees were over two years out, still working the program and working the issues...it's very encouraging and supportive to recognize there will be issues and work them into long term success.

Tomorrow will be six years since my life changing surgery.  Six years!  I do 'get' the plaace you are now.

I eat pretty much a normal amount that doesn't generate questions from servers, hosts or dining companions.  Recently I ate dinner where they served me two full chicken breasts along with the accompaniments.  I ate one and had the other boxed up to go.  No one was astonished at all.

I bypass some foods that just don't sit well with me.  But in reality, the entire WORLD has issues with some food and they bypass it.  It is simple for me to say, 'no thanks, I don't care for any (fill-in-the blank)' and no explanation is required.

When I have trouble now, it is an overeating issue.  My solution is Papaya on the occasion I simply eat too much dense food at one sitting.  I can eat an entire chicken breast (five to eight ounces) but serve me a T-bone and the best I am going to accomplish is three or four ounces.  The quality of food is the learning curve for me in later years.  I can eat anywhere and find something to make a meal.  I am not limited to the special menus any more.  On the absolute rare occasion I am stranded, I always have a protein bar in my bag and a jar of peanut butter in desk at the office.  No harm, no foul.

Food is no longer the issue.  For any questioning where I am.......... at six years I am up seven pounds today from my all time lowest weight.  Check in tomorrow because I am sure it will be less.  (Monthly cycle week).  I have my five pound window and if the scale nudges to the top of that range I watch my carb intake for a few days and it settles back to my comfort range.  I am happily in the 163 to 168 class.  Plastics would help lower that range but I am not ready for more surgery yet.  (Other surgical needs have come since WLS and I am a little knife weary at this point of my life).

The issue that is always there in my world is that the excuse of being fat is no longer my shield for life.  I know when I learned a fat shield would keep hard things away from me.  Shedding that protection has been the single most difficult adjustment of all.  I don't need food to comfort me, I need a shield of fat to keep people, feelings and cir****tances at a distance. 

No one talks of these issues.  No support group, no on line community, no WLS gang of mine.  Professional therapists who specialize in WLS matters are all focused on the pre-op and newly post-op.

I measure all things to the position of "Is this an issue related to being a morbidly obese person who had WLS or is it a fact of life for people with my personality and character set?"

The answer isn't always clear.

An on line support group with this content would be a gold mine of resource for me.

I don't know if I answered your question NIk, but I am trying to tell you it is all a part of the journey.

Why don't I post more often?  It is not about food any more and very few want to talk about anything else.

Vicky