OT - Long and rambly: I'm in a mood

It is just cold here in Baltimore. No snow til February usually.

Sorry you're going thru things.. HUGS...

I'll just say that I can understand him wanting to go see his wife. Not sure when was the last time he saw his kids BUT when was the last time he saw his wife as well?

Well see that's the thing. I don't begrudge him that. And I wouldn't be so pissed if he hadn't been given the option to come for three days (it was just three days of 15) all expenses paid. I think that's not so much to come for three days to see your kids when you are in a conflict zone and your kids spend every day wondering if they are going to get news of their dad being shot dead. I dunno about the boys but my girls do worry very much for him. It'd mean so much to see him in the flesh and know that he's ok.

Sorry to hear their father has what I refer to as the "selfish gene". Some men carry it and some don't.

Those that carry it (my father included) aren't capable of understanding what you are saying. They see only what is in front of them, in their own best interest and cannot extend that vision to include anyone else, even their own children. I have had many conversations with my dad and just STARED....astounded at what was coming out of his mouth (about his girlfriend...or her son...that he just ADORES).  He is really just NOT capable of stepping outside "the box"...the box being himself...his own little bubble world.

I agree with you, my relationship with my dad heavily influenced my relationships with men. I am grateful I married a man who does NOT carry the selfish gene (I had dated some carriers).  He is an amazing father.

Once your girls are grown enough to understand this (for me, it was 17. I was 17 before I took him off of the pedestal I had him on...where he could hurt me so deeply). Now I shake my head, feel a wince of pain, but can shake it off.

Its good that you can feel all that...and wake up the next day and see it differently. Take care Nikki.

I think his family should pay to fly all kids to him. Makes the most sense.

Laura

We brought that up. I think it's a "we can afford to chip in but we don't have THAT much money" type of thing. Bringing one adult via plane is sort of different than flying four kids (he has two sons as well) with an accompanying adult.

If there were the resources, I'd be all for it. I just don't want to be the "accompanying adult."

ETA: And if he’d TOLD me he was planning this in advance (on the books he still hasn’t “told" me he is coming. However, I don’t doubt what his mom told me. It’s the same sort of thing he said last time he was deployed and chose to do the same thing…except it was a different wife that time).

 

If I knew in advance I might have forgone a few presents, MAYBE even paid a bill or two late to get the girls there. Two weeks before Christmas there’s not much I can do. I don’t have the money to pay for them to go there. And my sense tells me he’s known about this leave for a bit.

I am late to this party, but I wanted to add.

Sure he wants to see his wife BUT she as an adult should understand that KIDS don't understand fully and she should be supportive of him seeing his kids.  What is 3 days out of 15?  Nothing really.  I know he has been deployed and I am sure wife is excited to see him, but she came into this (hopefull) knowing he had kids from past relationships.  If she knew his family was going to furnish airfare for him to see his kids would wife support his trip or encourage him to go?

Sarah

I doubt it. She doesn't like them. Because they like me.

Well...not just that but yeah. They maintain ties with me (he isn't close to his family for whatever reason so I keep in touch so that the kids know their grandma, aunts, cousins, etc.). When she came into the picture I stopped attending family type events and would simply drop the kids. I wasn't mad or upset about that and actually wanted to create a space for her to feel welcome within the family. I don't know exactly what goes on between his family and her (I don't ask. It's none of my bidness!!!) but she has told his mom and me (via an unprovoked FB rant toward me) that she doesn't like them because they shouldn't be so close to me.

So I don't think she'd be championing the trip personally but who knows? I try my best to stay away from her because she doesn't show me a great deal of respect and I don't want to be the catalyst for drama.

I just wanted to say that I am really impressed with how you handle this stuff. Not only how you told your kids which was honestly but with your first though being to spare them as much pain as you could but with how you deal with his wife and his other kids. It must be hard but you  always seem to do it with class. I admire that.

 I'm a family law attorney, and I hear this story a lot.  You handled it well.  I hope your kids get many hugs this season.