It was supposed to be such a nice evening. It was for a moment. The kids wanted to go to the buffet and I relented. I go to Golden Corrall because it has lots of healthy choices. I discovered with delight that they had even added soy nuts to the salad bar for protein crunch on my salad. I ate right and was sitting with the kids when the phone rang. Why did I answer???

It was my girls paternal grandma. She'd called to tell me that she'd spoken with their father, who is deployed to Afghanistan. He has leave coming up and I knew that. And I suspected that he wasn't going to use it to come see the girls or his two sons, but instead would go to Alabama to his wife. But I didn't think about it or talk about it. So long as nobody confirmed or mentioned it, it wasn't real and I didn't need to be pissed.

Now understand that the man has a HUGE family. Huge. A family who'd be more than happy to take up a collection to get him a plane ticket so he could see his kids on Christmas. They miss him. My two go around holding their breath every time they hear the word Afghanistan because they worry for him. He is sorta kinda in touch with them. Sometimes. Could be better, but whatever.
So his mom calls to tell me that she'd made a plea to him to consider coming home for a few days to see the kids. She mentioned that the family would take up a collection for airfare and that he could stay with any number of family members. His response? No. It was too far. He didn't want to stay with family. He wanted to go home and see his wife.

Why am I so hurt about this? It's not from a place of his ex, which is what his mom seemed to think I'd be. No...it's coming from the place of a 10 year old kid whose father let her read his diary from when he was stationed in Germany. And when that little girl read through her father's journal she saw he'd taken a girlfriend and practically adopted her kids, was there for her kids special moments and birthdays and gave barely a sentence's mention to mine. I know this is not the same situation but the whole ordeal took me straight back to being that kid, wondering why I wasn't the center of my daddy's world.

Funny thing is that me and the mother of his sons have been getting a box together to send him for Christmas. When I first suspected he would come back to the US, I was adamant that the girls not know. But tonight I decided to count to ten four times and then talk to them. I strained to keep judgment out of my voice but did tell them that their dad would be in the US for Christmas (after all, he'd probably mention it whenever he called them to say Merry Christmas) and the first thing out of my youngest child's mouth was "he's coming back but he's not coming to see us?" And I wanted to cry. And punch something. (Point of pride: I was in the middle of a damn buffet and the LAST thing I wanted to do at that moment was eat.)

So...I'm a little sad about this. Over the past few years he's fought hard to be a part of every family but his own. He loves his children. I believe that. But I guess I want them to be his priority. Not saying the man shouldn't go and see his wife, but his family offered to pay airfare, offered to put him up, offered to bend over backward so this man could see his kids for Christmas. I didn't tell the girls that part. I didn't think it would make them feel very good that he not only turned down the offer but countered by saying, "why don't you all use that money to fly the kids out to me?" (yeah...let's not go there...the cost of flying one grown ass man vs. four kids....yeah...)

Ok, whining over. This is my life. Which is a result of decisions I made. So I am going to have my little hurt feelings for a minute then concentrate on having a great Christmas with my children. Because I personally couldn't imagine the holidays without them.

I understand completely.  These are your babies and you want to hurt anyone who would dare hurt them.  I have been there.
There isn't much you can do to ease the pain of rejection that they may feel.  All you can do is give them all that much more love and let them know that they are the most important thing in the world to you.  The father will reap what he sows with his children.

Wow. I am so sorry. As a mother I know how it feels when someone/anyone hurts our children. I think you handled the situation quite well. It was a good idea for you to tell them and not let someone else tell them. I have a relative whose husband lives at home and still does not have anything to do with his own kids that he sees everyday and the kids are so hurt. Your kids are blessed to have you. Geez, I am so baffled by his behavior I dont even know what to say.

 i can 100% understand.  I feel horrible for these kids as they don't ask for the dead beats that we choose. Wish i would have thought things through much better a long time ago but who knew what the future would bring.  My 18 year olds dad and i had a 2 year relationship.  Until i got pregos..then he left.  He came back around when she was 4 and promised he wanted to be her daddy and always be around her.  Oh did i mention he also got upset with me for being prego...turned around and cheated on me and got someone else pregnant..so my 18 year old has a 1/2 sister 4 months younger than her whom he does not see at all.  So when he promised he wanted to be in this babys life i said ok then be there be a daddy.  But off he went...and we didn't see or hear from him again until she was about 14.  By now he has a wife and 3 more girls (God bless him and all his girls ... hehehehe!!) He decides again he wants to see her and be her daddy and now she is old enough to make the decision to know him.  But she couldn't forget the past..she couldn't get over that he just upped and left me and her sisters mom and then did this to another women (his wife).  She couldn't get over the fact that he basically used her when she was little for child support reasons (he thought i would panick and have him sign away his parental rights).  And she really has no regard for him now.  She will be 18 in a couple days.  She was a really pretty good kid until she met him at 14 and although she (he left and only contacted her a few times after this) is still a good kid she now has a boulder on her shoulder a  mile wide. I feel horrible as a mom as my kids mean the world to me.  
So i can't give you much good advice...if i tell you to let your kids see him..then he might do something like this on and off again daddy thing is for the birds.  Just concentrate on making them feel like independent young ladies and hope they learn to forgive and forget his sorry *** someday so they can be healthy adults.  Concentrate on telling them (when you feel you need to) that none of this is their fault but rather your and his fault.  Mostly HIS..lol  And yes have a dang good Christmas anyways...
Oh btw..i went to golden correl here a few weeks ago while in ND visiting my daughter.  I told them i was a RNY person and asked if they had a discounted price i could pay..she didn't charge me a dime to eat...she rang me up as a 1 to 3 year old...i didn't notice it until it was to late...lol thanks to you i got a free meal..i didn't eat much though as i am sure most people throw away 3 times what i ate. 

My ex-husband stopped visiting when my son was two. He couldn't handle the emotional side of things. My son didn't get to know him until he was an adult. It was very sad, David doesn't relate to him at all, he prefers my husband. My husband adopted him at age 4. I had to deal with alot of problems related to the ex not being in the picture, it is very hard on the kids. When they grow up they will know *****ally loves them and who does not. I pray your ex will come around and work at a relationship with your kids.

I'm sorry, Nik... I can feel your sadness throughout every word you wrote.  It's so hard to understand people sometimes, and so disappointing when careless behavior hurts those you love.

I was always "that kid"... my mom and dad divorced when I was 4.  I saw him maybe once a month if I was lucky... he remarried and became a great step-dad (twice!), but as his only blood child, I was on the outside.

The weirdest thing was that I don't doubt that he loved me and was proud of me... but once he was out of my day to day life, it's like he almost liked it better that way.  It's easier, no doubt... you can have kids and love them, but the hard work is left to the present parent.

I pray something changes you ex's mind and he comes to see the divas... those little princesses don't deserve to have that heavy load of hurt and disappointment on their shoulders.  If not, the Super Momma you are will erase as much of the pain and disappointment as you can... and life will go on.

I hope this holiday season is happy and blessed for you and your baby girls.


tori

I feel a bit better today. I think it wouldn't make me so mad if he wasn't in a frickin conflict zone. We worry. We pray for the man's safety every week in church (and let's not even discuss the kind of conversations I had to  have with God to get to THAT point). It would mean so much to them to just see him in the flesh, know with their own eyes he is safe. Because, to them, every Afghan shooting, helicopter crash, sniper attack is their dad. I just wish he could see it would mean so much to see him.

That selfish jackass sounds a lot like my ex husband/sperm donor! The hardest thing as a mother is the knowledge that there isn't a damn thing you can do about it, because I know I would do ANYTHING to ensure the happiness of my babies. Take heart. I now have a16 yr old who came to his own conclusion about his father. He said "Mom, he is really a waste of skin isn't he?" I couldn't help but laugh and agree. I always made excuses for this peice of crap to spare my child's feelings. It was hard.  Now I can at least say that I never turned my son against him, he did that on his own! Poor you for having to process those feelings in the damn Golden Corral. I feel for ya! All you can do is keep loving those babies, because eventually they will make the connection on their own. Hang in there and God Bless!

Oh the environment didn't bother me at all. My dysfunctional family have been buffet addicts since the beginning of my journey. I know how to find the foods that are healthy (in fact I did a tutorial, lookit: http://bariatricfoodie.blogspot.com/2010/06/niks-post-wls-bu ffet-survival-guide.html).

I thought about this a lot last night and came to the conclusion that I have some work to do on me. Because I got control issues. I so desperately do not want my girls growing up to feel about him the way I feel about my dad. I think my relationship with my dad (or lack of one) is one of the many reasons I just can't bring myself to want to be married. I want to WANT to be married, but I just don't. And I may never.

A girl's relationship with her daddy in so many ways defines how she sees men in general, but you know what? I can't control him. Only me. So that's what I'm going to do and for MY emotional health, I am officially taking myself out of the equation. His relationship with his daughters - good bad or indifferent - is on him.

I don't think I explained what I meant very well. I am a buffet girl too, and know how to eat there.I think we can eat anywhere once we know what to pick and choose. It is the fact that you were in a public place. I know when I am upset I would just prefer to work through the emotions and get it overwith. I can't do that in a restaurant! I used to go into my room and have a little **** fit when my ex would upset me. That way my son never knew.

It is amazing how we as women can model those relationships with our Dad's later on as adults with the men we seek out and fall in love with. My Dad was a gem. He adored us kids and he loved my Mom. That, I believe, is why my first husband was such a deep disappointment to me. He was not a family guy. My current husband (of 12 years) is a gem like my Dad was.

I am amazed at how much mental and emotional work I have to do since I started this process of my WLS etc. I always stuffed my emotions and went through life pretty much numb. Now I seem to be more "in your face" with people. Maybe I need to find a balance with that. It is just so eye opening. My therapist will likely be able to buy a summer home from my fees alone. I am sooo messed up about some things!

I hope your day gets better Nik! I know I am focusing on the fact that it is Friday and it is snowing outside, the pretty "snowglobe kind of flakes". Hang in there!