A collection of thoughts: "I want you to be in this with me"

Anyone watch “The Biggest Loser"?

 

This week was makeover week and then, of course, the contestants got to see their “special someone" and introduce them to their trainer.

 

One thing each trainer emphasized is how important it is to have your family/support system “on board" with their weight loss journey.

 

And as I’m watching this I’m thinking. My family, while outwardly supportive, has never really been “on board."

 

My expectations aren’t unrealistic. I don’t expect them to change the way they eat or to take on diet and exercise the way I have (although I have two family members whose refusal to do so may end their lives sooner rather than later). I simply expect there to be a spirit of welcome.

 

And I don’t get that from them. When I bring a dish to a family dinner, it is met with suspicion. “Is this one of those healthy things you do?" they ask me, as if I was trying to poison them. Ok, even if it was…will ONE healthy dish amongst twenty unhealthy ones really harm you? And really…what is the harm in at least trying it and letting your mind be open to liking it?

 

And then there’s the complaints about my time. “You never have time for us anymore!" My mom is most famous for this one. Usually these complaints start precisely when I get back into a good gym routine. And in the end I can only do what I can do. I am a single mother with a full-time job. There are only certain times I can go to the gym. And I HAVE to take care of me. Every time I stop taking care of me it’s in response to these complaints and I always come out the loser – whether it be through regain or just feeling physically crappy because my body does actually like to be active.

 

So I am going to have a talk with my family and tell them, “I want you to be in this with me." You don’t have to subscribe to my new lifestyle, but if you want to be a part of MY LIFE, you need to at least respect my lifestyle. Even though I’ve “lost the weight" I still fight for my life every single day. I am fighting for my daughter’s futures as they start what I’m sure will be a life-long tug of war with obesity. And I’m fighting for them too. So that they can see that the world doesn’t end if you cut down on fried chicken and apple pie and white bread.

 

I want them to be in this with me. Even though the divas are wonderfully supportive, they are kids. In my real life, in my family, I have few people I can lean on about my process and I’d like that to change. So I’m going to try to BE the change I envision.

 

Any thoughts are welcome on this subject as I prepare to talk to my family.

 

 Take a deep breath and know that you're in the right to do this!! Having that big talk ( and not just once but over and over again) is absolutely your right to do & essential for your continued progress. Making and MAINTAINING boundaries is hard work, so I feel for you!

Interesting. My family has always supported me and my decisions, from adopting my kids as a single mom to my weight loss surgery to my plastic surgery. For me, my WLS is a "non-issue" now, if that makes sense. My family has always been healthy and active and now I fit in. I can eat anything and everything (and I do) so eating occasions do not affect me.

Laura

See…that makes all the difference. It’s not just about food. It’s about my family respecting that it is OK for me to take care of me. It’s about them not trying to dissuade me or make me feel like a space alien for having goals. It’s about being able to talk to them about my frustrations and desires (not just WLS related but about living a healthful lifestyle in general).

 

Right now what I get is “we don’t want to hear it." Partially I think my quest to be healthy, for them, magnifies how unhealthy they are. Part of it is that they haven’t invested any time in knowing who I am as a fit person. But imagine feeling as if nobody in your family knows you or CARES to know you. It’s more than just this surgery or eating. They don’t know who I am and refuse to invest any time in knowing who I am now. It’s very isolating.

Nik, I truly wish you the best.  I hope the path is victorious.

Color me a skeptic though.  I think the 'disapproval' goes deeper than choosing healthy foods and an active lifestyle.  When someone in the family has aspirations that don't match our own we are intimidated.  It is a self preservation that gives many of us the flight or fight factor.  I pray I am wrong.

In my extended family, this is the reality.  Of my husband's generation of thirteen very close first cousins, two of them are highly successful.  College degrees, focused careers, achievement.  The others are not bums but they are not as ambitious.  The two who stand out are the brunt of many snarky remarks.  He/she thinks she is so much better than us, who do they think they are for Pete's sake?  Etc.  Reality, the successful two are the most humble of all.  They probably face the truth of 'why did I get the chance to be who I am when my siblings/cousins fight to make it' syndrome.  Because the two................fought harder for more.  Makes them the weird ones.

Healthy choices in a family of unhealthy living............who does she think she is for believing she knows a better way?  This type of food plan worked for this family for a hundred fifty years!!! Pfffft!

It is intimidating to face the fact you have made bad choices for yourself, your children and your grandchildren.  Failure is a tough pill to swallow.

Your stand for a better tomorrow forces others to admit their present is not so wonderful.  Stand firm.  You are the one on solid ground.

Vicky

Good luck! Pray about it! They will get on board!
Make your daughter a shirt like someone's signature says for the day of the talk! " No food tastes as great as skinny feels" or you can replace Skinny with Healthy!


Hubby's fam didn't support. My husband had to put his foot down. We were going to stop going to gatherings if we didn't prepare foods healthier, not all, but a few healthy options, we are southerners! We love food! Everyone could afford to lay off the butter and fried!
The comments were the biggest thing that had to stop. It was mostly out of ignorance. Not understanding the process.

Well invite them over on a weekend to enjoy a day in your lives!
I will say a lil prayer for you!

Be your self! You are doing the right thing! You are such an inspiration girl! you have no idea!

Thank you for the positive attitude, but I am not so sure they will. But I am certainly going to try!

It's coming to a point where it's either them or me. And it makes me feel awful that it really is that kind of an ultimatum situation. But it is. They can either accept me for who I am now or lose me in their lives. I don't want to come out all threats and whatnot, though. I think an honest appeal would be best.

But just to let you know what I'm working with, my mom is severely diabetic and has ignored that fact since day one. Now she has severe neuropathy and can barely walk three steps without needing a break. Rather than try to improve her health she implores her doctor for medicine. At this point, I don't know if her health COULD improve even if she did start living more healthy.

Then there is the rest of the family who insists on trying to give my children sweets all the time while from the same mouths decrying the fact that they are overweight.

So I'm not dealing with a rational bunch of folks here. But hopefully I can get through to them in time.

I'm trying this now too.  I have an unusual family situation in that there aren't many of us -- but literally every female over 18 has had WLS.  Seriously.  The tension comes from the fact that people are at different places on the journey - and some are coping with bounceback & post-pregnancy weight gain.

I invited everyone to join me on a personal goal - to complete the disney princess 1/2 marathon in 2013.  Lots of time to get prepared even if starting at zero.  Goal is to finish, at the minimum required speed of 4mph - fast walk really.  I'm hoping that most of the ladies join me, and if not, I offered.  Meanwhile, I've been posting a weekly "goal" on facebook - I'll keep up my end and hopefully cross the finish line with a family member or several.

Good luck!
Laura

 As hubby and I were watching that episode and Dolvet was talking to John and his wife and Dolvet says, "How do you feel about your husband having a food addiction?" and she goes on to say how she joined in with him in his late night eating.. my husband turned to me and said, "I'm sorry.."  cuz he knew that our own late night eating wasn't good for us.  It hasn't been as bad as when I first moved in.  I was finally with someone that didn't criticize everything I put into my mouth and I went with it.  Now that I've voiced things.. my feelings.. my weaknesses.. the fact that I can't control my eating sometimes.. and I even admitted to him about how I would hide in the pantry last December to sneak christmas cookies..  I think now I can tell him when I'm having a moment of weakness and get his help in moving beyond it.  And yet.. he's still NEVER made me feel bad for slipping or indulging.

I know he's on board... I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for him to hold me accountable in the moment though.

Ahhhh...that's an important point.

With my mom, she is always pointing out when she thinks I am doing "sneaky eating." It may or may not be true (although of course I never think so) but I had to point out to her that when I DO eat in front of her, she criticizes me for it (she doesn't seem to "get" that I am SUPPOSED to be able to eat more now than when I first had surgery) and if I don't eat around her I get accused of sneaky eating. It's a no-win situation. So now I just don't eat at her house at all.

I wonder if I am truly ready to be held accountable but you know what? Ready or not it's good for me. So I just oughta be.