OT - need advice about family problem and holidays
My 2 cents...... Kinda wonder why D's behavior should rob you of the family gathering? He's the one who gets away with getting under your skin if he's the ONLY reason you wouldn't go. You can choose to be the adult - you said your peace - so indifference is often the best way to show your feelings. His silence can almost be perceived as an admission of guilt; maybe there didn't need to be a response if he knows deep down that you were right. However, this tiger isn't changing his stripes. That doesn't mean you have to play along with the game. Don't put your name on the gift if you don't want to and don't buy the girls the entire list if you don't want to. You get to determine what you do, not others' behaviors.
First ultra: Stone Mill 50 miler 11/15/14 13:44:38, First Full Marathon: Marine Corps 10/27/13 4:57:11, Half Marathon PR 2:04:43 at Shamrock VA Beach Half-Marathon, 12/2/12 First Half-Marathon 2:32:47, 5K PR Run Under the Lights 5K 27:23 on 11/23/13, 10K PR 52:53 Pike's Peek 10K 4/21/13, (1st timed run) Accumen 8K 51:09 10/14/12.
I don't think you should punish yourself by skipping the family event because "D" is an idiot. You've made your opinion known to him. If he doesn't 'get it', that's his problem.
One of the hardest lessons I've learned in the last 57yrs is that some people are just a**holes and that I'm not responsible for their actions. My job is to not be one myself.
My wife and I were in a somewhat similar situation where a cousin invited all the relatives except for my wife and her siblings to her wedding (the bride's mother had fueded with my wife's late mother a few years back). We sent a small gift and our best wishes even though we weren't invited. It DID mend the relationship with the bride and we've gotten together since.
...but, when the first bride's sister was married a year later, Mom had her way again and none of us were invited. This was a girl that we had gone out of our way to be nice to over the years. At that point we decided no gift, sent a card and said a prayer for them for being so sick in spirit. ...and went on with our lives.
One of the hardest lessons I've learned in the last 57yrs is that some people are just a**holes and that I'm not responsible for their actions. My job is to not be one myself.
My wife and I were in a somewhat similar situation where a cousin invited all the relatives except for my wife and her siblings to her wedding (the bride's mother had fueded with my wife's late mother a few years back). We sent a small gift and our best wishes even though we weren't invited. It DID mend the relationship with the bride and we've gotten together since.
...but, when the first bride's sister was married a year later, Mom had her way again and none of us were invited. This was a girl that we had gone out of our way to be nice to over the years. At that point we decided no gift, sent a card and said a prayer for them for being so sick in spirit. ...and went on with our lives.
HW:343 SW:318 CW:199
Unfortunately, holding onto anger harms you not the other person. You walk around holding onto the anger and the offending party walks around oblivious. Forgiveness sets you free from your anger. It is for you not for D. Forgiving and forgetting are different. Let go of the anger and forgive for YOU not for D. But you don't have to forget what he did.
I understand where you are coming from. The youth leader from our previous church did not alway act kindly to my children to the point I had to intervene to no avail several times. She treated my son the worst for several years. She had a falling out with my daughter at the end. I had to have a meeting with her and a pastor to ask her to quit gossiping about my daughter. Eventually we changed churches. My daughter has not been able to move on, my son has. So I have had the above conversation with my daughter several times.
I understand where you are coming from. The youth leader from our previous church did not alway act kindly to my children to the point I had to intervene to no avail several times. She treated my son the worst for several years. She had a falling out with my daughter at the end. I had to have a meeting with her and a pastor to ask her to quit gossiping about my daughter. Eventually we changed churches. My daughter has not been able to move on, my son has. So I have had the above conversation with my daughter several times.
Winnie
Maybe you can explain forgiveness to me. This is probably stupid, but I never quite understand it. Oh, I have forgiven people in my life. But I'm not sure how I did it. It was just something I felt. Like I worked through the anger and one day that anger was faded.
But how do you choose a feeling? I mean, yeah, we do have some control over our feelings. But I can't just decide not to be angry anymore. My feelings don't work that way. If they did, I would be happy all the time.
But is forgiveness a feeling or an action? Is it something we feel or something we do? And if it is something we do, then how do we do it?
But how do you choose a feeling? I mean, yeah, we do have some control over our feelings. But I can't just decide not to be angry anymore. My feelings don't work that way. If they did, I would be happy all the time.
But is forgiveness a feeling or an action? Is it something we feel or something we do? And if it is something we do, then how do we do it?
Kelly
Please note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. If you want medical advice, talk to your doctor. Whatever I post, there is probably some surgeon or other health care provider somewhere that disagrees with me. If you want to know what your surgeon thinks, then ask him or her. Check out my blog.
Wow Kelly. I'm not sure there's an answer for that. I think I have managed
forgiveness by "walking the walk" long enough that my feelings changed
over time. I don't think for an instant that I'm a good enough or big enough
person to just "forgive" some wrongs. I do believe that over time some
wrongs faded, some became unimportant, and somewhere along the
way I managed to feel empathy, understanding or I just plain refused to
harbor bad feelings that would ultimately make me carry unwanted baggage.
I think we each have to choose what wrongs we can forgive and what wrongs
we can't...what "value" we place on them because that would be different
for each of us. There's no right or wrong answer, but I can tell you I
absolutely carry the scars of wrongs that I have valued as unforgiveable.
Some I can live with, and some I will work to try to forgive as long as I
breathe. I guess that means either I'm not very good at forgiving, or
it's not as easy as it sounds....nor that every wrong is meant to be
forgiven.
forgiveness by "walking the walk" long enough that my feelings changed
over time. I don't think for an instant that I'm a good enough or big enough
person to just "forgive" some wrongs. I do believe that over time some
wrongs faded, some became unimportant, and somewhere along the
way I managed to feel empathy, understanding or I just plain refused to
harbor bad feelings that would ultimately make me carry unwanted baggage.
I think we each have to choose what wrongs we can forgive and what wrongs
we can't...what "value" we place on them because that would be different
for each of us. There's no right or wrong answer, but I can tell you I
absolutely carry the scars of wrongs that I have valued as unforgiveable.
Some I can live with, and some I will work to try to forgive as long as I
breathe. I guess that means either I'm not very good at forgiving, or
it's not as easy as it sounds....nor that every wrong is meant to be
forgiven.
Jan
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