OT - need advice about family problem and holidays
I think it hurt my nephew's feelings but he tried to act like he didn't care. Both I and my partner apologized to my nephew and told him we felt D behaved very badly. I think it did help that everyone else in the family treated him really well and they just welcomed him into the family and really wanted to make sure he had a good christmas.
I definitely won't bring up the whole issue unless D does. I don't feel like there is anything else I have to say to him. I'm still angry but I feel that I said what needed to be said very clearly in my letter and it's not like I have all this stuff still in my head that needs to be said.
I definitely won't bring up the whole issue unless D does. I don't feel like there is anything else I have to say to him. I'm still angry but I feel that I said what needed to be said very clearly in my letter and it's not like I have all this stuff still in my head that needs to be said.
Kelly
Please note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. If you want medical advice, talk to your doctor. Whatever I post, there is probably some surgeon or other health care provider somewhere that disagrees with me. If you want to know what your surgeon thinks, then ask him or her. Check out my blog.
I agree with Plum21 plus my 2 cents. Are you still angry with D? Do you want prolong the dispute? Have you said your peace to him or is there still somethings left unresolved between you two?
If this your customary Christmas routine why change it because of his bad behavior? How will your partner feel about you not spending Christmas with him?
If this your customary Christmas routine why change it because of his bad behavior? How will your partner feel about you not spending Christmas with him?
I am still angry, very angry. I don't think it's that I want to prolong the dispute but I am still angry and I dont' want to pretend I'm not angry when that is how I feel. I have said my piece but things are still unresolved. He never responded to what I said.
Kelly
Please note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. If you want medical advice, talk to your doctor. Whatever I post, there is probably some surgeon or other health care provider somewhere that disagrees with me. If you want to know what your surgeon thinks, then ask him or her. Check out my blog.
I also remember this incident and, like you, am fuming all over again as I read you post. "D" is such an asshole.
However, is it possible that he felt that a response was not necessary to what you wrote?
I say this because oftentimes my husband will say something to me and wait for a response, and when I don't give him one, he'll ask why I didn't respond. In my mind, I did not respond because I did not think whatever he said needed a response as it was a statement not a question.
Anyhow, just wondering if this might be the reason for no response.
Then again, "D" could just be a nasty narcissistic asshole, which after what he did to the nephew last year has my vote...
He may have felt no response was needed, I don't know. I've thought about it and the only response I could see being appropriate would be an apology. But apparently he has no remorse so an apology is not going to happen.
Kelly
Please note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. If you want medical advice, talk to your doctor. Whatever I post, there is probably some surgeon or other health care provider somewhere that disagrees with me. If you want to know what your surgeon thinks, then ask him or her. Check out my blog.
I'm not sure if it would cause a problem or not, but I really dont' want to make my partner feel like he has to choose between me and his brother. That would be so unfair to him. And I don't want to make anyone in his family feel like they have to make a choice because of course they would choose D since he is their son/brother/uncle, etc and I am not really part of the family. I mean, they've always treated me like part of the family, but you know what i mean. I hope.
I'm not going to make any move to fix things with D because I have done that and he chose not to respond. But you are probably right that I should not let him keep me from enjoying everyone else's company. Thanks.
I'm not going to make any move to fix things with D because I have done that and he chose not to respond. But you are probably right that I should not let him keep me from enjoying everyone else's company. Thanks.
Kelly
Please note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. If you want medical advice, talk to your doctor. Whatever I post, there is probably some surgeon or other health care provider somewhere that disagrees with me. If you want to know what your surgeon thinks, then ask him or her. Check out my blog.
(deactivated member)
on 11/27/11 12:01 pm, edited 11/27/11 12:01 pm
on 11/27/11 12:01 pm, edited 11/27/11 12:01 pm
Kelly,
This has nothing to do with your nephew. Yes, you did observe what you felt was terrible behavior on D's part. However, your continued anger and wounded feelings, coupled with your inability to actually speak with him directly about this are indicative of a problem you and D have had, over the course of your entire relationship. There is a lot of resentment in your voice.
Let go of what happened to your nephew, he is an adult now. Focus on what happened to YOU all of these years, and use the front door (coupled with boundaried communication) to speak with him directly, instead of all of this side-door communication via other people.
I am not saying it will fix your relationship, but it is great practice in modeling healthy
communication while it will permit both of you an opportunity to express your feelings directly. It is the only way to resolve conflict. Using intermediaries is what we do when we are too frightened or angry to express our feelings in a boundaried way. There is a great support group called CODA. Hope this helps. I speak from experience! :)
I wish you the best. I have been there!
This has nothing to do with your nephew. Yes, you did observe what you felt was terrible behavior on D's part. However, your continued anger and wounded feelings, coupled with your inability to actually speak with him directly about this are indicative of a problem you and D have had, over the course of your entire relationship. There is a lot of resentment in your voice.
Let go of what happened to your nephew, he is an adult now. Focus on what happened to YOU all of these years, and use the front door (coupled with boundaried communication) to speak with him directly, instead of all of this side-door communication via other people.
I am not saying it will fix your relationship, but it is great practice in modeling healthy
communication while it will permit both of you an opportunity to express your feelings directly. It is the only way to resolve conflict. Using intermediaries is what we do when we are too frightened or angry to express our feelings in a boundaried way. There is a great support group called CODA. Hope this helps. I speak from experience! :)
I wish you the best. I have been there!
It's important to feel happiness during the holidays.
I am all for letting go of the anger but I am also all for visiting your sister.
One thing has nothing to do with the other & if you would like to spend time with your sister that is what you should do.
I guess what I would do doesn't really matter but I would go to my sister's house.
I am all for letting go of the anger but I am also all for visiting your sister.
One thing has nothing to do with the other & if you would like to spend time with your sister that is what you should do.
I guess what I would do doesn't really matter but I would go to my sister's house.
About Life – You live it forward , but understand it backward. It is only when you stop and look to the rear that you see the corpse caught under your wheel - Abraham Vergese from Cutting for Stone
Kelly- you behaved in a adult way and you dealt responsibly with your
feelings. D is being childish. You can't help that, but I think in the long
run, if you avoid your partner's family gatherings or if you avoid D, in the
long run it will affect you, possibly your relationship, and it will snowball
as inevitably those things do. I had an ex- mil who for all intents and
purposes hated my guts. She avoided me and would go as far as to
do an about-face if we ran into each other in a store. She openly
disparaged me to anybody who would listen for 10 years after her son
and I divorced, even though we have remained friends for the last 25 years.
Being my kids' grandma, I always spoke politely and kindly to her and
worked very hard to never speak ill of her. I tried to understand why she
was so hateful and rude, which didn't help to make me feel better, but
over the long run, I was proud that I took the high ground. She is now
well into her 80's and nearing the end of a long life. I'm more grateful
than ever that I can laugh with my grown girls about "grandma" stories,
and that over time and without my knowing it, she fit into a piece of
my heart. She may well dislike me for all time, but I'm grateful that I
don't have to drink any of that poison, and that I can look back and
remember the funny, kind things she did- instead of only seeing
the bad. At the end of the day, she had never been taught to deal
with her feelings. She didn't hate me at all. She felt uncomfortable
around me because she didn't know what to do with the sadness
and pain of a divorce.
At the end of the day, it's about doing what's best for you.
feelings. D is being childish. You can't help that, but I think in the long
run, if you avoid your partner's family gatherings or if you avoid D, in the
long run it will affect you, possibly your relationship, and it will snowball
as inevitably those things do. I had an ex- mil who for all intents and
purposes hated my guts. She avoided me and would go as far as to
do an about-face if we ran into each other in a store. She openly
disparaged me to anybody who would listen for 10 years after her son
and I divorced, even though we have remained friends for the last 25 years.
Being my kids' grandma, I always spoke politely and kindly to her and
worked very hard to never speak ill of her. I tried to understand why she
was so hateful and rude, which didn't help to make me feel better, but
over the long run, I was proud that I took the high ground. She is now
well into her 80's and nearing the end of a long life. I'm more grateful
than ever that I can laugh with my grown girls about "grandma" stories,
and that over time and without my knowing it, she fit into a piece of
my heart. She may well dislike me for all time, but I'm grateful that I
don't have to drink any of that poison, and that I can look back and
remember the funny, kind things she did- instead of only seeing
the bad. At the end of the day, she had never been taught to deal
with her feelings. She didn't hate me at all. She felt uncomfortable
around me because she didn't know what to do with the sadness
and pain of a divorce.
At the end of the day, it's about doing what's best for you.
Jan
Most Active
Recent Topics