OT - need advice about family problem and holidays

I need some advice about a family situation.

I've always gotten along well with my partner's family.  That is, until last Christmas when I had an issue with his brother.  Let's call him D.  Last Christmas my nephew was living with me and the whole family treated him just like a member of the family, all except D.  D took a disliking to him because he and D's teenage daughter started to flirt with each other.  D did not want them getting together because both have a  history of mental illness and behavioral problems.  Now, I agreed with D that it would not be a good idea for them to hook up.  What I don't agree with is how D treated my nephew at Christmas.

D bought a Christmas gift for everyone else in the family but not my nephew and it was very noticable when he was passing out gifts that he skipped my  nephew.  Maybe you had to be there and see it, but it was one of the rudest things I've ever seen an adult do to a child at a family gathering like that.  It really upset me and I ended up writing D a letter telling him how I felt.  My partner read the letter before I sent it and agreed that I was expressing my feelings in a respectful way and that it was a good letter to send.

Well, D never responded to my letter.  He asked my partner the other day if he should get me a gift for Christmas or not, since I was mad at him.  Now, my parther and I will be getting gifts for D and his two daughters.  But it seems he does not want to get me a gift.  Which is fine, I don't need a gift from him.

Now I'm finally getting to the part where I need advice.  How do I handle Christmas?  Do I go to the family gathering and just ignore D?  Will that be awkward and would it be better if I just didn't go?  I was thinking maybe I should make arrangements to visit my sister over Christmas instead so I would have a good reason not to go with my partner to his family thing.

 Hi Kelly,
I remember this whole rude episode from last year. Hard to believe it's been a year.

Think about what you want in the long term with D. Do you want to never talk to him? Hold a grudge? Despair over family gatherings? Have you considered taking the high road? Smoothing things over with D. taking a present to him. Not necessarily for him, but for you. Let go of the anger.

Unless, of course, it feels good or worthwhile to hold on to it.

Don't worry about what D wants. What do you want?

Ah family.

Good luck.

I don't care if I never talk to him.  I do not want to despair over family gatherings.  At first I was going to say I did not want to hold a grudge, but maybe I do.  I am still angry.  Is it worthwhile to hold onto it?  Probably not... but I am still holding on.  And apparently so is D if he's asking if he should get me a gift or not.

My partner and I will be getting him a gift.  We always buy gifts together and they are from both of us.  I could not put my name on D's gift if I wanted to indicate it was just from his brother, not from me too, but I wasn't planning on doing that.

Know what he did that bugged me the other day?  He gave my partner a long list of things his girls want for Christmas so we would know what to buy them.  And I mean a long list.  Not just a couple of suggestions.  He thought it was appropriate not to get my nephew anything but thinks we should definitely get his kids something.

Or you could take the very high ground and make the gift be from you, your partner, and your nephew.

Ooh, I Like that idea!

 Good morning, Kelly,
It's clear, both by his actions last year and the long gift list this year, that D is who D is. People will keep showing you who they are until you see it. He's been exposed. Probably not much at all you can do to change him. Perhaps it's enough to be aware of him.

Like you, I'm a writer, so when people really irritate me, or bore me, I imagine how I would write them as a character, would I be able to convey their mean spiritedness in a short scene with lots of showing rather than telling, with sensory input and vivid details. I could spend a whole Christmas day imagining (and rather enjoying) writing about an uncomfortable situation.

That said, it doesn't sound as though D cares that much about the fact that he hurt your nephew's and your feelings. If we could tell that by his lack of response. Of course (no judgements here, just experience), mean are much less likely to confront feelings or offer apologies than women.

I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing how his actions hurt, and may continue to hurt me. He's been exposed and now you are "on to him."

Bon courage.
And I also like to sing in a sarcastic voice "Happy Holidays!!!!!"

Thank you, this is very helpful.

You said what you needed to in your letter.  You did what you needed to and now it is up to him to start over and play nice.  I would not be any different to him than before but I would not let him be rude to you or treat you badly.  As far as buying him a gift, I would buy him a box of candy, gum or something he likes and let it go. 

Thanks for the suggestion about a gift.

 Well D was just horrible to behave that way as the "adult".  My personal opinion is you have done nothing wrong.  You are certainly entitled to express your opinion of what took place.  The choice of whether to get you a gift or not is his problem to address.  I believe you should continue with normal holiday plans with your partner.  If the opportunity arises to have conversation with D then take the high road.  Don't bring up the issue unless he does.  Hopefully he will say something about it and you can then say "you know, I expressed my feelings in the letter I sent you. It is the past. "  

You do not have to be his best friend or become the "bit$#" he may want you to be to make him look better.  Hold your head up high and smile.  Enjoy your day with your partner and with the knowledge you said what needed to be said and you are a class act. 

Just for the record, I would never even give one child gum if I didn't have enough for all the children. D behaved terribly and set a poor example of how a man should act.  I hope your nephew was able to distance that situation.

Good luck to you!