asking for help

I think many of us have trouble asking for help.  Most of the time, I don't ask for help.  I take care of things myself, or they just don't get done.  I have not felt well the last couple days and my kitchen is a miss and my cats need their litterboxes cleaned soon.  I know that sounds like a pretty minor problem but it is making me very anxious.  And I don't have family nearby that I can ask for much help from.

But how do you ask for help?  How do you know who it is OK to ask and what it is OK to ask for.

I really need some help.  I just don't know how to ask and how to get it.  I keep waiting for things to get better but I'm tired of waiting now.

 You call your closest friends, the ones you know will bail you out of jail in the middle of a stormy night it need be, you tell them you are sick and over whelmed and you need some help cleaning your kitchen and the little box, and if they help you you will return the favor or take them out to dinner when you are feeling better.

It is an easy thing to do.  You will also find out real quick who your true friends are.  But yes, you do have to ask first, just start with "Hey what are you doing tomorrow?  Got some time to hang out and help me with some stuff?"

Hope you feel better soon.  If we lived close by you know I would be there in a heart beat.  

This is something we've been working on in my therapy group, along with setting boundaries. Is there someone you can call and ask them to come over and help you out? I don't know your living situation, but if you have anyone living with you, maybe you could ask them to pitch in.

I would bet that any of your friends would love to be able to help. I know it makes me feel really good to help someone when they're in a tough spot.

Can your boyfriend help you?  Or any of his family?  I know how hard it is.  I was telling my daughter that I was broke and I might need to go to a payday loan place, which I haven't done in years and she said why don't you ask your boyfriend and I told her I would rather not ask him for anything.  She couldn't believe that I would rather pay 300% interestest instead of asking my boyfriend.  I know he would lend it to me I just feel bad asking.  I would rather owe a company (or myself) then someone I know.

He does help.  He works fulltime outside of the home and I work part time from home  so typically I do the cooking and cleaning andhe helps but those are mostly my jobs.  He was off work today and he cleaned the kitchen and did laundry for me  I feel totally overwhelmed.  I apologize for my typing. I started new meds for sleep and make me woozy.

 don't like asking people for help

I also have trouble asking for help.
I have been battling cancer for the past 4 years & now have another recurrence.
There are times when I need help with rides, my house etc.
All you have to do is ask.
Your friends will be there.

HI Kelly I am so sorry that you are having that problem, I am the same way about asking for help! I will go with out before I ask for help! Alot of the time I feel people should be kind and offer, and then I get mad because they don't. My mom tells me stop being afraid to ask, I even tell my kids to always ask if they need help! So Kelly go ahead and ask for help, the worst thing that they can say is NO! So it will be ok, and I pray that you feel better soon.

 A couple of things come to mind and please forgive me if I'm off base with my assesments but they are only meant to help you or anyone else reading.

I think that part of the problem with ASKING FOR HELP is that some of us could feel UNWORTHY OF HELP.   Another problem could be that some of us have been portraying this image that WE DON'T NEED HELP because we have taken a back seat and allowed the NEEDS OF OTHERS to take precedence over OUR OWN NEED which subsequently reinforces our feelings of unworthiness and/or the need to BE STRONG and handle things on our own.

Here's a proposed REMEDY.  Believe and assert yourself as BEING WORTHY of being attended to. We have to realize that WE DO COUNT and WE ARE WORTH IT!  Needing others is a basic instinct....we cannot survive without others in our lives.  Secondly, realize and accept and don't feel inferior because of your very real needs for assistance in areas that others might struggle with.  I recall (long before surgery) a day when I just broke down because I realized that none of my Sisters understood or took the time to recognize that I TOO HAVE NEEDS and that I TOO COULD USE SOME HELP on one level or another.  

I had a mentor later in life to discuss my feelings about this lack of sensitivity of others when it came to MY NEEDS and my mentor said that I am perceived as one who HAS IT ALL TOGETHER and DOESN'T HAVE ANY NEEDS...I'm portrayed as the GIVER in most relationships.  So, what I prayed for and received was Sisters who I could allow myself to be vulnerable with and be able to express my own needs and deficiencies.  Sometimes I needed things like advice and I just had to let my hair down and keep it real.  If I run into someone who is not able to support me as I support others then I have to examine the purpose of the relationship and if it's not necessary to have that party in my circle...then they are out...off the 'go to' list and on my 'limited availabilty list.'  

You just have to be in relationshp with people you can trust and be able to just let your vulnerabilities be known and your needs be met by those who truly know what it is to be a FRIEND!  You deserve it!!

First off, its common to feel bad about asking for things or help. I am the same way. Granted I get in trouble if I refuse to ask. Why feel guilty asking friends or family? There really is no reason to feel such a way. Pride is a terrible thing. Being stubborn as well will get you nothing and nowhere. Ive always had the mentality of refusing help and things even when offered. As for having a partner and too ashamed to ask for help, consider it a loan. If you want to pay 300% interest, why not to someone you know atleast? You find out who your true friends and loved ones are fast. If you use a social network and dont know where to start then ask there first.

Kelly: I am so sorry that you are feeling ill. Hope that you are OK.

You are the first to offer help to all of us and we greatly appreciate yoru help, but also, YOU deserve to be helped as well. Please know that at some time or another that we all need help, so we need to learn to ask for help and to know that is OK to do so. Please ask your parnter for help...he can at least do the dishes and clean the litter box. I agree those two thing would make me stressed as well, so it is important that they get done and that you don't over-assert yourself. Is he not willing to help out around the house?

But more importantly, you have to know that it is OK to ask for help that you are totally worth being helped. It's hard but sometimes necessary.

A good friend of mine told me at one point when I was unwilling to ask for help, that I needed to be a good parent to myself. I am telling you the same thing. You need to be a good parent to yourself. If your child needed help, you would ask for it, same goes for you...this can extend out to all aspects of life such as going to the doctor, some people are intimidated and will not ask for the care that they need...well if it was your kid, you would move heaven and earth to get that help for the child...you need to apply that to yourself. Be a good parent (aka advocate) to yourself. You need help, please ask for it from your partner or your friends or whoever you can rely on and it's totally ok to do so.