Family and Friends Issues

Thanks so much for the prayer. No need to thank me, we all pay it forward.

 Both my brother and my only friend didnt want me to get it done. my friend thought that I could just do it on my own. I had tried in the past, but i couldnt keep the weight off.  I just didnt listen to them anymore and went through with it anyways. I want to be healthier and skinnier. Skinnier helps in being able to move around better. I guess you could tell them that you need to do this for yourself and you would hope that they would stand by you and support you.  I knew my friend wouldnt, but he hasnt said anything bad either once he realized I wasnt gonna back down. he would just say well im not going to say anything because you already know how I feel about it. so taht was nice. I didnt even tell him what day I was going in for surgery just in case he was going to try and talk me out of it. Dont know if I helped any, but I do know where your coming from, althouhg my situation isnt as bad as yours. And my mom did support my decision. 

 Your post really elicits a lot of emotion in me.  For the most part, with the exception of my husband, children and sister  (and they are the ones who counted anyway), I received the same reaction.

I was told by a family member I did not need surgery, was not big enough, just needed to be happy the way I was and I would never qualify anyway.  I was told by friends I did not need surgery.  I was told by the intake staff the 3 days prior to surgery as I completed my pre registration I did not need surgery.

This surgery is, to some extent, a one man show.  No one can do this for you.  You, and you alone, will be responsible for how you use this tool, how well you do/do not comply, how much you do/don't exercise....etc.  

If you want this for yourself, you will have to ignore those who are negative and discourage you.  If you keep listening to others, you will talk yourself out of this and 9 years from now you will be right back where you started.

And more than likely, your health will continue to be compromised.  You are the only one who can make this decision for yourself.  It will completely consume your life post op, and you have to be steadfast.  For me, no one, absolutely no one was going to talk me out of it.  Only you know how much being obese impacts your life...emotionally, physically, socially,  psychologically, professionally and relationally.

I wish you the best ....

A year ago, I was 252#, 5'5", and one month away from surgery.  Outwardly, people saw a heavy woman, but I got the same message, "You aren't THAT big."  Additionally, these were the same people that saw me yo-yo and lose and gain a person or two over the course of the last 10 years.  "You can lose the weight on your own.  I've seen you do it."  Maybe.  But I couldn't keep it off.

My daughter was scared and cried about it at school and church.  We never pooed-pooed that it is major, life-altering surgery.

Here's what they didn't see:
A brittle diabetic on 100's of units of insulin daily
A woman entering the beginning stages of liver disease due to metabolic issues
Plantar Fasciitis so bad it was limiting my ability to be on my feet for more than a half day at a time
Chronic Migraines
A woman with a BMI of 42—morbidly obese by definition
A broken full button. I would and could eat, way past normal, way past saity and do it again in an hour

This surgery saved my life. Saved. My. Life.

It was not the easy way out. Far from it. But with this gift/tool/scientific intervention, I have been given a chance at success, most specifically in my health. And 11 months later, here's the rest of the story:

I left the hospital on 10 units of insulin and by December was off all of it
My liver functions have returned to normal
The pain in my feet is GONE, even after 12 hours of standing
11 months without a migraine
A BMI of 22.5
I eat like a normal person. If I crave it, I eat it in some capacity, but not four servings at a time

I hope you and your family find peace. Maybe their fear comes from ignorance? I know that was source in people around me. I believe people have the best intentions in telling you what they have, but they are probably not fully-informed. You can't convince everyone that WLS is a good idea, but maybe in the interim, surround yourself with those who support you and understand the reasons WHY you are making this choice.

 

I’m sorry that you’re going through this.  I hope you’re able to come to terms with it and be at peace with your decision. 
I’ve contemplated this surgery for several years, talked myself into and out of it many times.  I’ve dieted all my life and was able to lose weight pretty well when I was younger (yo-yo).  I’d lose 30# and gain 50# over and over.  After I went through menopause at 40 and was diagnosed hypothyroid around the same time, I haven’t been able to lose like in the past.  I crept up to 213# last September (I’m 5’1").  My cholesterol was around 276.  That’s when I decided-that’s it. I don’t want to live the rest of my life like this.  I told only a few people, mostly they’ve been supportive.  I haven’t told others because I know the reaction I’d get.  I’m not THAT big.  I’m 51 years old now and when I think about what the surgery is going to do for me, I only wish I would have come to this decision earlier.

It sounds like the people in your life care very much about you and are worried about the surgery.  They have a right to their feelings too.  Maybe if they went to a support group or if you share some success stories from this forum they would feel better.  Tell them how important this is to you. I think they care about you enough that they’ll come around.

You guys are great!
I am sorry for those of you who have gone through a similar situation but I thank you so much for the support and direction on this. It's great. Just reading all of this has calmed me down sooooo much. It makes me realize there are still ways I can try to get them to understand but if they don't that's ok too.

I agree with what others have said.  Thank them for their concern and tell them that you and your doctor have decided surgery is the best thing for you, medically.  If they are worried and want to learn more about surgery, you can direct them to this site, or print out some info for them, or invite them to go with you to a doctor's appointment or support group.  It is OK to tell them you don't want to hear why they think you should not have surgery.

Hello MI friend!  I am so sorry for your situation and agree with the others that your family and friends are very concerned for you.  Perhaps you could gently remind them all of the other serious illnesses you'll be avoiding by losing the weight and you goal is to live longer and healthier.  For those who say you can do it on your own, I would say if you could have you would have 10 yrs ago.  It wasn't your choice to remain overweight.

Also, how many of the people talking to you about doing it on your own are overweight themselves?  Those that are may be upset because your choice forces them to look at themselves.  My sister had the surgery and it forced me to take a long hard look at how I was killing myself with food and led me to having my surgery.  But, other people may be too afraid and taking that out on you.  Also, psychologically, we all have a  position/label within our family and circle of friends.  You know, the smart one, the thin one, the funny one... Perhaps you are the overweight one and you losing the weight upsets the balance of things and someone else will have to become the overweight one.  It is almost always a subconscious issue and not purposeful by your family/friends. 

My husband was most concerned with my dying on the table.  Once he found out my surgeon's group hadn't had any deaths he was very relieved.  I also got many comments that, "You wear your weight so well, you shouldn't need this."  Perhaps so, but I was still obese with many comorbidities.

I am 3 1/2 weeks out and have no regrets at all.  I had my surgery at UofM Ann Arbor and can't say enough about how glad I am that I did this.

As for support, hopefully your surgeon has a great group going and you will always have us.

Only you know what's best for you.

Best of luck on your decision,
Paula

My mother had the surgery last August and when she was talking about having the surgery, I didn't want her to have it. And I openly told her that she didn't need to have it. It was only because I was so scared, as well as so uninformed about the surgery. Now, a little over a year later, here I am scheduled for surgery! I'm sure I look like a big hypocrite. Lol! But, after seeing what it did for my mom and being there with her, I truly understand what the surgery does now. I've watched my mom work her butt off to be where she is now! The surgery was just a tool to help her get there. Most people don't see it like that. Most people view the surgery as a "quick fix" and the "easy way out" because they are ignorant and uninformed. I was there, unfortunately. :/ So just know that their words aren't meant to hurt you, as I never had any intention on hurting my mom. I would suggest having your family learn more about the surgery and why you're having it. After seeing what it did for my mom, I finally understood it all. I wish you the best! Don't doubt yourself for a second! You're doing what is best for you and you don't need to let anyone stand in your way!