Who wants to be skinny?

This sort of rambly but here goes.

Over the past few months I've embraced something about myself. Something I am not proud of, but it's a part of my personal journey.

I drank the Kool-Aid. And I drank too much.

I didn't go into this process wanting to be skinny. Small-er, yes. Skinny, no. There was a point in my life where I loved my curves, loved my boobs, loved my butt, my hips. I wanted to be that girl again. She was trapped underneath a lot of fat and discontent and I wanted to free her.

In some ways I opened Pandora's box. You all may disagree, but I think I have MORE food issues now (or cognizant food issues) than I did pre-op. Part of this is in making the lifestyle change to mindful eating. Then some of it is stuff I just don't understand at all.

And in the process of trying to deal with the psychological and physical trauma (yes, I said trauma) brought on by  this process, I began to believe it all had to be for some greater purpose than being a size 16 (my original "dream size"). No...I MUST be destined to be a size six, I told myself.

That's where the trouble began for me.

I began to workout TO GET TO A CERTAIN SIZE instead of working out as a part of a healthy lifestyle.

I started scrutinizing my caloric intake down to the nano-calorie.

I let the number on the scale dictate my mood and tell ME the story of myself.

Bad, bad stuff.

Let me say there is nothing wrong with monitoring yourself. But there is a difference between monitoring yourself and hyper-changing. Let me explain.

When I worked out to get to a certain size I'd deny my body the calories it needed to fuel the workkout, recover from it and truly burn fat. So I shot myself in the foot. I stalled and stalled again, which put me in a cycle of trying to eat less, exercise more and feel miserable when I wasn't seeing results.

Had I simply monitored myself, I would have eaten properly for a workout (no more, no less than I needed), did an appropriate amount of exercise with an appropriate amount of rest. On the scale I'd remember that fluctuations are natural, stalls can be common and I'd seek out help when I needed to in order to bust through a plateau.

Do you see the difference there?

This all brings me back to being skinny. I never wanted to be skinny. I wanted to like me. It occurs to me now that over the past few months I've come to like me a lot. I weigh more than most of you will end up. I have curves. I have boobs. I have butt. When I show up to OH conference in Long Island some of you will probably think "I hope I don't end up plateauing as high as she did" even if you don't admit here that you'd ever think that ;)

But guess what? I wake up in the morning excited for life. I get dressed and am mindful of how I look. I look in the mirror and smile at what I see.

So this remembrance, of my true goal in this whole thing, has been really empowering. Every day is still a struggle - some small, some big - but I think I'm starting to learn what it takes to "do me" justice.

I've come to realize that if I don't like me, it doesn't matter what size I am or how much I weigh..I'll still be unhappy with myself! It's really hard to love who you are despite what the scale tells you, but it's SO important!
I'm proud of you! You're awesome!

Not to get into a deep philosophical thing (wink) but I think it's because we're taught the narrative that in order to get to a self we like (read: that is worthy of BEING liked) we must first hate our present selves.

I fight hard against that with regards to my daughters. I teach them that BECAUSE you love yourself, you take the very best care of yourself that you can. Because you deserve nothing less as a beloved child of God. So no matter what shape or size they are, they are capable of taking care of themselves. I teach them that if they are the image of God, they must be mindful about what they want to SAY about God through their bodies, minds and spirits.

That's an amazing lesson to teach them! It's what we hope to pass on to our kids! Both DH and I had wls to be healthy and to live a longer life! We're about to become parents and it's vital that they learn to take care of themselves because they're worth it! Part of loving God holistically is loving the you he created and taking care of yourself! Our kids deserve to know they are beautiful the way they are created! I'm glad we're learning healthy habits now so we can pass those on and give them the self worth we struggled so hard to find!

I luv your post.  I also never went into this to be skinny.  Just healthy.  Although I am only 4 months out I have lost around 60 lbs putting me at 205lbs.  Everyone calls me skinny.  Really at 205.  lol. My Dr. says I should get to be around 150 by the end because I am doing so well but my goal was really 170.  I kind of feel like the smaller I get, I loose part of my identity.  I do enjoy reading your posts and am glad you are a part of the community to keep us all going.

Pre-op, as you know, one of the psych evals was about making sure I knew what was realistic weight loss with surgery.  AT that point, I said I'd be happy with losing 100 pounds.  That put me somewhere between the 65%-85% that they say is realistic.  I'm down 75 pounds now, right at 6 months out.  I can see myself losing the next 25, fairly easily.  So, I've had to reevaluate what I think my goal is. The good thing for me, is, I  have never had a "magic" number on the scale I wanted to reach, or a "magic" size I wanted to be.  So, this is a difficult place for me right now.  I am by no means "done" losing, but I feel good about Christy for the first time in many years.  Much of that has really nothing to do with the weight loss, but about having made a decision about my life.  Many changes have occured recently, including my anxiety levels sky-rocketing because of my inability to cope with or without food, however you want to say it.  I can't eat to self-soothe, and not being able to, and not having learned another way, I had anxiety attacks.  Add onto that, getting a promotion, and it not being a healthy environment for me, I've been a mess.  So...what I'm learning is, my body will tell me when I'm "done" losing.  I don't know when that will be, but I don't think it will be in 25 pounds.

When I show up to OH conference in Long Island some of you will probably think "I hope I don't end up plateauing as high as she did" even if you don't admit here that you'd ever think that ;)


That is a totally ridiculous statement Nik.  Im still trying to catch up to you.

That being said. I'll admit it outright. I WANT TO BE SKINNY. I spent my entire life as 'the fat one'. Ok, I started having health problems, and Yes, I do want to be healthy. But screw it, I WANT skinny.

Am I gonna be skinny? Most likely no. Imma big girl and I believe I'll always be a big girl. I dream of a size 12. But I believe I lack that part of my brain that motivates me to workout like a demon to get there. I crave food. I love food. I love to feed other people food. One of my favorite sounds is the sound of a chef's knife chopping food on a wooden cutting board. The crack of an egg. Im a wierdo! LOL I cant NOT eat.

I knew intellectually going into surgery that no matter how much fat I lost, my thighs were always going to be large (muscular with large bones in my hips and legs... you should see the size of my kneecaps!) and my boobs were always going to be large (I was a C-cup in Jr High before I got heavy) and that, even though I am short (5'3+"), I would never be 125 pounds.  My inital focus was on just eliminating the physical issues (rising blood sugar, increasing knee pain, etc.) to be healthy and to be a normal size. 

Once I had surgery, though, things changed.  I, too, drank the Kool Aid... and I emotionally wanted to be skinny.  Slowly, the definition of "success"  meant being a single digit size.  Once I got to my goal weight (a normal BMI) and was NOT skinny, I decided that I needed to try to lose 10 more pounds... so I started closely monitoring what I ate and more than doubled my exercise.   My knees hurt like crazy, but I REALLY wanted to drop those 10 pounds and another clothing size (from a 10 or 12 to an 8 or 10) The end result was that I gained 6 pounds (it was all muscle, because I dropped by body fat percentage by 3%, but it was still the opposite of my intended goal) and I did further damage to the worst of my two knees and now exercising at all is difficult to do without pain.

I am still "a work in progress" in terms of accepting the size that I ended up.  I try to focus on how far I have come, and on how much I love having thin arms and a flat tummy rather than focusing on how much I still hate my thighs, how thick my waist is (purely from aging), and on wanting a breast reduction (I'm still a 36DDD... but at least my boobs balance my thighs). 

I am, however, VERY happy with the balance I have found with being able to eat like a normal, healthy person (including "treats" and occasional splurges) and being able to maintain my weight without much exercise.  Other than the amount that I eat, I don't think anyone would ever know that I had bariatric surgery or would think I was on a "diet"... they would think that I am just conscientious about what I eat and when I splurge.  I still occasionally have to urge to eat for comfort when very emotional, but I am aware of it and almost always win the battle.  That, I think, makes me like most "normal" people.

So I am healthy, am a normal size (but NOT skinny) and have normal eating habits... whihc is what I wanted when I signed up for surgery.  I will continue to battle the effects of the "Kool Aid" and the desire to be a single digit size (because it is NOT going to happen).

Lora

Yeah, I am with you on this Lora. I knew I wasn't going to get skinny in my head, but coming on here, seeing the Size 30 to Size 2 stories, etc. - that really got into my head and has sometimes made me unhappy about my results.  I still kind of want to be skinny, and I deeeesperately want my tummy and batwings chopped off, but I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I don't need to be "skinny."

One of the things I have tried to do is to change my definition of "success" so that it does not involve how much weight I lost but instead involves keeping off the weight... so that, in my mind, staying a 10/12 is "more successful" than getting to a size 6 or 8 and then re-gaining back up to a 10.  I might not be able to control the body type that I was born with, and I had only minimal control over when my body decided it was done losing, but I can control what I put in my mouth now that the weight is off!

Lora