Ramblings: The fight

I fight for me. Hard.

 

I get weary sometimes, but I still fight. I think that’s the long-term gift this tool of WLS has given to me.

 

Many non-ops don’t seem to get that. They think the benefit of the surgery is the eating less, the rapid weight loss and, to them, that makes this the “easy (or easier) way."

 

But what they don’t realize is that how little we eat – while a relief for sure – is also a constant source of anxiety. Are we eating enough? Is not eating enough making me stall? Why can’t I just feel normal at the dinner table with my family/at a restaurant/at a party anymore?

 

And the weight loss. To us, it’s not rapid. It’s painstakingly slow. We labor over every pound and quarter of a pound like a contraction waiting to give birth to our new, better, happier, more confident, less insecure selves. Sadly, many of us find that what comes out the other end is none of those things, but the same person we always were, without the protective coating of fat. And even worse, after we KILLED ourselves to get to that point, we find we must work even harder in our heads toward contentment.

 

But the fight…to me that’s a real benefit. Because I didn’t go under a knife, turn my relationship with food, people and the world (however skewed all of those were) topsy turvy, call into question everything I THOUGHT I knew about myself, to fail. While there are many unfavorable things I DID sign up for (dumping syndrome, taking vitamins when I HATE taking vitamins, drinking lots of water, exercising), I did not sign up for failure. And so I fight for me. Hard.

 

For many of you who are still in the so-called “honeymoon" phase, success is defined by certain benchmarks. They may be associated with weight loss or they may not but you set goals, milestones, wow moments, things you thought you’d never do but now you can.

 

The funny thing is once you’ve done all that, life can be a bit anti-climactic. But I was thinking last night in the gym that what I still have is the fight. That’s my main measure of success. I’ve lost the fight quite a few times in this process and it made me feel like an utter and complete failure. When I don’t try to love myself, try to treat my body with love, try to live out healthy behaviors and relationships, the fight is gone and I am at the most danger of reverting back to who I was on January 7, 2008.

 

That scares the holy crap out of me.

So I fight for me. Hard. And so long as I continue to fight for me, no matter what size I am, I am on my way to somewhere great.

 

Just thought I’d share that.

 Very well said! As a newbie, I have to repeat to myself "this is a marathon, not a sprint". Too often we can get caught up in numbers and lose the focus of life....

Thank you for this post, Nik. You are so very accurate in describing the fight that will go on the rest of our lives. The initial weight loss is a blessing, but the rest sure ain't easy, and takes getting back up and getting back up and getting back up and getting back up. Thank you for the gift that you are to this board.

 Very well put, I like it :) 

Well said! The fight doesn't even really begin until year 3 or 4 - everything leading up to that is just practice - good eating, getting exercise etc ... If those habits aren't ingrained by then, it becomes a hard lesson in regret (at NOT having done what you KNOW you are supposed to have done)

Having said that - I'm off to get my daily (yes daily!) 45 mins of exercise in ... It's either that or eat virtually nothing for the day!

ROCK ON SISTA!

Yep, I thank GOD that I at least had the good sense to develop good habits early out (I did not have good sense in much else). I tell you, life sets in and gets in the way of your plans and it makes things HARD.

Yesterday I had such a telling conversation with my youngest daughter. I have been trying out a gym closer to home so they can stay home while I go (I've yet to find a gym with a lot going on for the 9-12 year old set). Well she wanted me to stay and watch the marathon of "I didn't know I was pregnant" (that's a whole other post, lemme tell you...) and I was THIS close to doing it because I'd been running around a lot and hadn't spent a lot of time with the girls.

Then she said, "no go. We'll hang out when you get back." I said, "are you sure?" and she goes, "Yes. You need to exercise. It's important to you."

That damn near made me cry. She sees that I fight for this. And I'm fighting for her too. I get so wracked with guilt over her obesity but I DO NOT want to do what my parents did to me (teach me that to get to a self worthy of love I had to hate my fat self). So I think in a way she's rooting for us all. But I'm going to keep this fight in me.

I'm glad, though, that I have this place on the days I don't feel so strong.

The how much to eat thing still gets me some times. Before I could easily eat 2000 calories at a meal..6-8000 calories a day. I went to surgery and came out praying I could get down 500 a day. Now I live in an entirely new world. How much I can eat varies from day to day..even from meal to meal. I still have trouble wrapping my head around.."You can only eat that one egg..if you take another bite you will hurl" Sometimes I don't understand this new person.

I soilder on as well. Failure is not an option. I have to figure out how to live this way everyday. It is work.
Deb T.

outstanding post nik,,it so explains exactly how it is ,we journey on ...,

Awesome post!!