suicide of an acquaintance who cited her weight as one of the reasons

We don't really know if there was something that the psych eval should have caught or not.  She may have developed depression after she had surgery, or her depression may have been well under control before surgery when she had her psych eval.

We also don't know that she did not seek help before ending her life.  She might have been on medication and/or been in counseling.  Obviously if she had sought help, it wasn't helpful enough to save her.  But we don't know that she didn't seek it.

 I'm sorry to hear about her suicide. It's a shock to the system no matter how close or not..... The blessing can be in giving others perspective, and cautioning them in remembering that this surgery does not fix our heads, only our guts.

This makes me sad and angry.  Not at your friend but as society being so stuck on "skinny" as they define it. 

I also see so many on OH that are stuck on getting to a certain number.  I do believe we all need goals to work toward but the damn scale number should not be the ultimate goal nor should clothes sizes (we all know clothes sizes vary). 

I'm sorry Lora for your friend and the thought that someone told her losing 30 more lbs or whatever that number may be was the magic to finding her happiness.  That is so untrue. 

I can say when I started the WLS process I felt that losing weight would bring happiness.  It hasn't in some ways it's brought more heartache, healthwise it's improved my life tremendously.  That should ultimately be our goal, better health.  Finding happiness is subjective, IMO; our expections aren't always realistic.  We have to find our inner peace, work on our heads and our hearts.

I am so heartbroken to read about your friend. I have been at that level of sadness and I hurt for her... and for you.

Thank you for your post. I am only a couple of days post-op but I have taken the suggestions of you and other vets very seriously. With my history of severe depression, anxiety and a tendency towards perfectionism I don't want the scale to rule me. I gave mine away the weekend before my surgery and have no plans to replace it. A friend called me yesterday and said someone had given her a skirt she didn't like (too long) but she thought I would like it so she was going to bring it to me - size 10. I told her I may never get to size 10 and she started about how she was sure I was going to be very successful with wls. I had to have a serious heart to heart with her that success isn't in clothing size - it is in being healthy and able to actually LIVE my life. To have a size 10 skirt hanging in my closet would be as much of a success/failure "indicator" as a scale. (edited to add - I could MAKE it an indicator... not that it is on its own merits)

Again, I am sorry for your loss.

Wow, good for you for getting rid of the scale.  You know, I think we do need goals but they really need to be things we have control over.  We can't control the number on the scale. We can influence it - if I eat potato chips every day, there is a good chance that number will go up.  But so many other things affect it, like if we retain water for some reason, we just can't control it.  But we can control whether or not we excercise.  We can control how much protein we eat.  We can control whether or not we eat potato chips.  So make the goal something like exercising five times a week or eating at least 75 grams of protein a day or whatever.  You know those things will help you lose weight, but you actually have control over whether or not you do them.

LORA, I am so sorry for the loss of your friend and I am so sad that her life ended so tragically. THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT POST. This post really hits home and I really, really appreciate you posting her story. There are major lessons to learn. Maybe this story will serve as a cautionary tale for others. As with you, my doctor never set a WL goal for me but being on the OH forum I began to desire a concrete goal and I even posted asking about how I should choose a goal weight. I am going to do my very best to back off of the numbers game and let my body experience this journey and to STOP putting so much freakin' pressure on myself. Life is hard enough without adding something as intangible as a number to add to my life pressure. I am going to try and learn from her story. Again, Lora, thank you for your post, so sorry for your loss and for her tragic end. Bless her heart.

 I'm so sorry you lost someone you know.    I've never personally dealt with depression but my mother , my ex husband and my boyfriend do (I'm surrounded!) and honestly from my observations who knows what the cause is? people try to put a label on it like I'm depressed because I'm fat and can't lose weight, I'm depressed because my bills are piling up and I have no money.. and 50,000 other reasons but I have the same stress as my boyfriend yet I do not feel depressed.. it's a chemical thing I don't think we can really understand.. you see people who seemingly have a "perfect" life, beautiful, successful family/career and they are depressed  *****ally knows what the triggers are.  

I'm sorry your friend felt her weight was too much to handle.  I hope it wasn't OH she was a part of, coming here can be a difficult for some people.  I hate when people say to me " I get jealous when I see how fast you are losing" I am careful usually NOT to post on peoples messages about losing slow because I don't want my numbers to depress them further!  Even though honestly my numbers mean nothing yah I'm losing fast now who knows that won't change next month? We honestly have little control over how fast or slow we lost weight and where we stop or if we get to some arbitrary goal we pick for ourselves!  I can honestly say even though I'm only half way to my "goal" that if I did not lose another pound I would be happy and feel successful. My success is I feel great! I'm not in the last size of lane bryant anymore I can fit into clothes and look good again, I can do 3 college tours in one day with my daughter and not be a sweating pig the entire time and panting.. I ran up the stairs at the front of the line no problem 100 pounds ago I would have been struggling!  Of course I would love to get to 150 and be "skinny" but if I don't get there then I wasn't meant to and so be it!

As far as dating goes and men not wanting overweight women, that's bull****!  I have been overweight my entire life and I have always had men interested in me.  All of my friends are skinny and gorgeous and they always say I'm the one with the "mojo" when we go out I'm the one the men are hitting on and not my size 4 friends.. I think men are attracted to confidence and intelligence and the way you project yourself much more than they want a perfect body.  Your friend was clearly depressed and I think unless you're great at hiding that outwardly that's what she was projecting.  Even if she was a wonderful person.. most men are not going to see that if they can't get past the depressed withdrawn person they see on the outside.

I am so very sorry for your loss....such a tragic thing.
I too tend to become depressed. I have suffered from a couple of really bad episodes, and looking back, I should have gone to a counselor. I am afraid of the depression coming back after my surgery.
If there is anything positive to be said about what happened, it's that - perhaps - with your warning and after reading about your friend, I can watch for the "danger" signals if this begins to happen to me.
Thank you for sharing this story and your reaction to it....
Kristina

That is such a tragedy!  I know people may want this to be the "majic wand" but they have too look at it as a tool!  I too would love to be in a size 7 but I am looking at this realistically.  I would be thrilled just to be under 200 lbs and anything else is a welcome precious gift.  I want my diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, severe foot and ankle pain gone.  The rest is icing on the cake. 

This life is a gift to all of us.  Every day we should live to the fullest.  It is sad that people go into the depths of despair enough to take their own lives. 

I will NOT get on the scale except once a month!  I do not want the scale to rule I want health to TRUMP all!  I look forward to my surgery September 7th!

You and our friends family are in my prayers!

I am so sorry about your friend. It is sad to me that so many use "numbers" to define their lives. I have many friends who are very OCD and controlling and they have to have a certain weight on the scale, a certain number size on their clothing tag, their kids have to have a certain number for a test score, etc. My surgeon specified that the weight charts and other "numbers" available
from insurance companies or doctors to see where we should be aren't accurate for us. We've had years of ups and downs on our weight, we've had obesity issues and denser bone mass to carry around all that weight, we've had other issues that make us not in the norm for using those
"numbers" on charts we can look up online or at our docs office. My surgeon said - pick a number for your height off that chart and add 20-30 pounds for it to be realistic for someone like us who has had surgery for weight loss. Those numbers are more realistic for us. I do know weight isn't a reason to commit suicide-depression is the underlying issue and weight, personal relationships, finances, self esteem or other factors are the by products of depression.
I've been on this board for 11 yrs and have counseled pre and post op wls patients in the same time period, I've found that your head has to be in the right place for this or any other weight loss surgery to work. You have to be able to pass the psych eval to get surgery but it doesn't end there. If there are any other mental health issues they have to be addressed, I have had a few friends who KNEW weight loss would "fix" all their other problems. These women thought they would have surgery, lose weight and magically everything else would be perfect!  They would look fantastic all the time, have no skin or self esteem issues, they would meet a hunky, single guy who would marry them and put them in a great house with a dog, two kids and a picket fence. Their parents would be accepting, their friends perfect and their kids, if they had any would straighten up. Most put too many expectations on wls. Weight is a big part of who we are but it's not the only factor. Most of us didn't get to be obese because we had NO issues in the first place. That's what we have to work on. Physchologists, Psychiatrists, therapists and other doctors can and do help. We have to reach out for it, realize we need help , and hopefully family members or friends will point us in that direction if we need it to be happy and healthy. I'm so sorry for your friends' struggle. It must have been agonizing. It's a lesson to the rest of us that if our head isn't screwed on right, no amount of weight loss will cure us. Thanks for postiing- I'm sure you've educated many other people today.
Jen 9 + yrs post op.