suicide of an acquaintance who cited her weight as one of the reasons

That is so very sad!  Weight loss can be very depressing and lonely, the right support system is so important. 

I know, the first month, I was on the scales constantly, and beating myself up if I didn't lose what I thought I should.  Then I decided that I was not going to drive myself crazy weighing everyday.  I weigh once a week.  It has seemed to add balance and perspective to it all.

I am so very sorry about your friend.  I will being praying!

I am really sorry to hear about your friend. This is a really tough process and unfortunately there is alot of pressure for us to succeed.  I was fortunate that my surgeon actually gave me a high goal, I made it lower. I am 5'6 and he wanted me to get to 160 - which was 100 pound loss.  I did get to this and was happy and only got too thin this past winter when all my complications set in.

How could someone tell her that if she would lose 30 pounds she would meet a man - that is crazy.  There is no guarantee, fat or skinny that anyone will meet someone.  Granted, we are more attractive when we get thinner but our personalities are still the same.  So, it might be easier to meet them, but keeping them shouldn't be any different.  I thought that if I had surgery and lost the weight I would meet someone too but I didn't. I am still single.

I wish people wouldn't strive to be so skinny. I just sent a response to someone last night that is 5'9 and 125pounds - she says she is still way overweight and wishes she could have  a revision to lose the rest of her weight.  I was just floored at what  I was reading.  This same person also gained weight just to get to a BMI of 35 to have a gastric bypass.

Again, I am really sorry for what you are going through.  I wish people would be happy at size 8's and 10's - I know I am

I am now really glad that my surgeon refuses to give ANY of her patients a goal weight and that my PCP insisted that, given my weight history and my body characteristics (large bust and muscular lower body), my goal should just be to get to a normal BMI.  I wanted to set my goal at least 5 pounds -- and preferably 10 pounds -- lower.  I listened to him, though, and took his suggested goal weight just because I thought it would be easier to maintain that weight than something lower.  I am glad that I did because I wouldn't have made my goal if I had set it even 5 pounds lower (my lowest weight was 2 pounds under my goal weight).

I ended an unhealthy relationship after I had the surgery, and am also still single (despite what so many people said about how sure they were that I would meet someone once the weight was gone).  I can honestly say that, although I understand that being a size 28 significantly decreases your chances of meeting someone, I don't think it makes much difference whether you are a size 6 or a 10 or even a 12.  Anyone who is shallow enough to NOT ask me out because I am a size 10 instead of a size 6 is not worth my time.

Lora

" I understand that being a size 28 significantly decreases your chances of meeting someone,"

I feel like I should post something on dating when people post things like that. Not anything against you, but just that state of mind. I was heavy forever it seems, and I NEVER had problems dating or finding someone. My sisters (who are also heavy) would always ask me how Ifound men interested in fat girls. My answer was always that they are interested n me, not the fat. Anyone, at any size, can find someone. It's about your own self confidence and how you carry yourself. Guys are attracted to confident women. If you're self conscious about your weight, guys can feel that. Embrace your beauty both inside and out at any size.

I am so sorry about your friend. I truly hope that people can read your post and take it to heart. There is definitely too much focus on numbers and sizes. I'm happy to just have my life back.

The funny thing is that I only dated 2 men seriously my entire life. I was not happy about my weight, but I was always very confident, and until the last few years before I had my surgery I really believed that men WOULD look past the weight and see ME.  As I got older, though, I realized that the truth was that this simply was NOT happening.  I had several male friends tell me that they might have pursued a romantic relationship if I had not been SMO.

Lora

I'm very sorry to hear about your friend. What a tragic loss. My goodness, it's amazing what this whole weight issue has done to so many of us. We all have our stories, our hurt feelings, our never feeling good enough, etc.

I hope everyone *****ads what Lora posted will just do the best they can, that is all any of us can do. Instead of being upset that we may not get as skinny as the next person or as skinny as we would like to be, think instead of where you started. Think about how much better you feel and how much healthier you are.

I plan to get on the scale maybe every two weeks or so. My being a revision am already expecting a slow weight loss due to a ruined metabolism due to so many years of my previous wls.

I know that whenever I have been on a "diet" the scale would make or break my day. If I lost weight, (enough weight), I would be happy all day long, but if I gained weight or stayed the same, I was in a bad mood all day. It's easy to obsess with the scale and our clothing sizes.

May this tragedy help someone else who is going through the same thing that Lora's friend did.

Wynter

Lora, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend!  What a sad story that I'm sure many of us can relate to to some extent.  

A very sad but VERY important story to tell... thank you. I am under treatment for chronic depression and now realize the importance of all the pre-post-op plans my therapist has me writing up. This message board has become very important to stay in touch with the people who are dealing with similar issues so maybe I can learn from this and make it through in one piece. Thank you.

Elle

 Lora, I am so sorry to hear abou your friend. I am sure she had other issues, but the added one of "feeling like a weight loss failure" did not help.

I am just three 1/2 weeks post-op, so I am no where near worrying about reaching my goal yet. When I first visited the surgeon, I said my goal was to get below 200 pounds. Of course, they wanted a number...so I chose 175. Like you, I have a larger chest and more muscular build and larger frame.

I wish her psycological exam had flagged her during her pre-surgery process. She had some unhealthy thoughts of how weight loss would chande her life. It is unfortunate that her depression took hold and she did not seek help before ending her life. I hope this is a lesson to all of us. Losing weight is not the "be all, end all" to make us happy, successful, love magnets, etc. Let's love ourselves for who we are and strive to be happy at whatever body size/weight this journey takes us to. My original goal was to lose enough weight to be healthier, more active, and get off medications...the number you end up at should not be the main focus.

Take care!

"I wish her psycological exam had flagged her during her pre-surgery process. She had some unhealthy thoughts of how weight loss would chande her life."

This got me to thinking...  it has been over 4 years since I had my pre-op psych evaluation, so maybve I have just forgotten, but... I remember him asking me to explain what the surgeon was going to do to me physically, about my weight and psychological (trauma/abuse/etc.) history, what kind of changes the surgery would require, what my support system was like, etc., but I don't remember him asking me ANYTHING about how I expected my life to change (other than my eating and physical activity) to change post-op or about what my expectations were about how much I would lose... (and I have already posted here before about how appalled I was from a professional standpoint that there was not a single question asked about history of suicidal thoughts (especially given how easy it is to OD after a RNY)).

The woman who killed herself had a different surgeon and different psychologist than I did, but it does make me wonder how many people were asked about expectations of how losing weight would change their lives  to see if people are expecting losing weight to make all of their problems (that have nothing to do with weight) just evaporate, etc...

Lora